Cars, Concerts and Babies

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Cars, Concerts and Babies
6
Mon, 01-31-2011 - 4:10pm

I'll give you the moral of this post first (spoiler alert - ha):

It doesn't matter.

There are quite a few newbies lately - hello and welcome! I know you are struggling with your feelings at the moment. There have also been some other posters indicating they are thinking of xap more often, have had triggers, etc. We all struggle at one point or another. Life is full of ups and downs. Here was my weekend in a nutshell:

UP: Friday: I actually made plans for a change to go out to dinner with a girlfriend instead of sitting home alone. Had a glass of wine at her house - got caught up - had a lovely time. We left for the restaurant about 7 p.m.

DOWN: xap's car was parked down the street. Luckily he wasn't at our restaurant. I let the sight of his car permeate the rest of my evening. Unlike at my friend's house, I was only about 3/4 there. The other 1/4 of me felt sick to my stomach - where was he? Was he out with his wife? You know the drill. When I got home, I put on my jammies and crawled in bed. I thought about the evening and processed everything. I was a little angry/disappointed with myself for letting it get to me. But, with the help of a cyber bud, I worked through it and realized seeing his car meant nothing: it didn't matter.

UP: Saturday: yoga, my daughter's first sewing class, went to an amazing concert with my son and his friends.

DOWN: Sunday: Found out (through a friend that has no idea of xap - was just passing along "info") that xap was most likely going to become a grandfather that day. His son's wife was in labor. While feeling like I had been socked in the stomach, I just answered "that's great!" and got off the phone as quickly as I could. This one threw me for a loop. But again, taking the time to just breathe and "be" I realized that it doesn't matter. Life continues to happen, no matter what. Even after 7 months, this ending is still a work in progress. One day at a time. Bask in the warmth and the glow of the UPS and learn from the DOWNS. That's what we are supposed to do.

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2010
Mon, 01-31-2011 - 4:32pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Mon, 01-31-2011 - 8:15pm

Riding the waves....

What an APT description of the UPS and DOWNS!

You're such a leader in the acceptance arena, for me Bodhi.

I hope to be as graceful processing and breathing through the downs as you are.

Its amazing to see how everyone copes differently with the Pain, but that we ALL HAVE...the PAIN in common.

Thank goodness...it wanes...as time goes by!!!

Thanks for sharing this with us,

Michelle

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Mon, 01-31-2011 - 11:49pm

Bodhi you have helped me

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2009
Tue, 02-01-2011 - 6:03am

Bodhi

Thanks for reaffirming i'm not crazy for going back and forth on my feelings. This really helped so much. Sometimes, actually most of the time, i feel so weak because i cant get to indifference. I cant get pass the hurt . My T has me journaling about my perspective on this A and how i need to rewrite how i remember the past.

Good for you trying to live every moment we have in this precious life God has given us. I also enjoyed hearing about your weekend adventures. Sounded like fun.

I hope your day is brighter and full of love

Awakening

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2010
Tue, 02-01-2011 - 10:35am
Love you, B.

I know this is so hard, still. Proud of you for getting out there and not letting your fear of what may come slow you down. Life is for living.

UBM
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Tue, 02-01-2011 - 10:46am

What a great post Bodhi- and oh how I can relate. I certainly have more ups than downs these days, but the downs still come and the triggers still remain. Just a few weeks ago, I found out that over the summer my xap moved. He moved. And my first thought was, while I was struggling to get by, living minute by minute on a tiny thread, he and his family were moving. It sent me into a spiral of what ifs and all of that garbage. I confided in my cyber buddy, New Season, and like always, she talked me off of the ledge. She, like you, reminded me that it doesn't matter.

In the early days of my ending, I used to recite this over and over, almost incessantly all day, but as I got further out and started to feel okay most of the time,

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/