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|Thu, 05-08-2003 - 1:01pm|
I have learned through a major emotional regression that I was using my XMM as an escape from my marriage - that when things felt rough and I was tired or frustrated with all the WORK I am doing to fix things, frustrated with slow progress... that it was easier to just think about the times in the past with XMM and put those rose-colored glasses on and miss him. And that is what I did on Monday and Tuesday... but I didn't see it for what it was right away... All I knew, earlier this week, was that I thought I was doing ok and all of a sudden I could not stop thinking about him and wanting to be with him. I cried again, I was "mopey" (my H's word for it)... and I was scared that the feelings came back.
But through talking to a friend and my wonderful therapist, I put it back in perspective and realized that it was NOT about XMM at all this time. It was about my H and our marriage and I was just NOT dealing with it - taking a break from it in a way - by letting XMM back into my head. And that gave me back the control I needed and I realize, again, even more, that there will NEVER be an "us" and that's ok.
I talked a LOT to XMM this week (he has been seeking me out as he struggles with his own issues now). And for the first time ever I was totally honest with him. And it felt GOOD. I told him that I still do think about him and miss him, and that it's been very hard for me to get over him, but that I know we will never be together because ALL he will ever offer me is "casual sex", and that's NOT what I want or need. I told him that I didn't ever just want sex with him - that I had wanted all of him - a "real" relationship even though I knew it could never be and in my head I knew it would never work - that my heart had wanted it anyway. And I suppose I gave him a final chance to say he loves me, but I knew he wouldn't. I told him, to his face, all of this, and said "but you didn't want me." And I felt so FREE to say that... it was finally me not pretending that it had been just some fling and I was fine and life is just dandy.
Maybe it's some weird version of closure for me... that I finally stopped acting like he hadn't hurt me, and just let him know... not me trying to get any kind of response from him - but because I was just tired of pretending. I can't be his therapist and I couldn't even be a friend to him because I was trying too hard to not let him know that his words and actions had an effect on me. Now he knows. And I feel good, and I feel STRONG. And today, when he came to me again needing a friend, it was fine. I handled it well, I was honest and maybe, by telling him how much he hurt me in the past, I took away some of his power to keep hurting me... only time will tell for sure on that one...
And oh the irony... HE is going through much of what I went through! He misses his new OW but neither of them seem to be able to make that move to just "run away" together... He's actually agreed to start counseling with his W. But he thinks of the OW 24/7, he can't eat, he can't sleep... he feels "alive" with her like he's never felt before... I just said "welcome to my world" and let that sink in... Telling him the truth, for the first time ever, the WHOLE truth... was cathartic.
I will have my ups and downs, my good days and bad days, but I AM GOING TO BE OK.