Catharsis

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Catharsis
7
Thu, 05-08-2003 - 1:01pm
I have had quite a week, and I am finally feeling better, and stronger than ever, but it was touch-and-go for a few days for me...

I have learned through a major emotional regression that I was using my XMM as an escape from my marriage - that when things felt rough and I was tired or frustrated with all the WORK I am doing to fix things, frustrated with slow progress... that it was easier to just think about the times in the past with XMM and put those rose-colored glasses on and miss him. And that is what I did on Monday and Tuesday... but I didn't see it for what it was right away... All I knew, earlier this week, was that I thought I was doing ok and all of a sudden I could not stop thinking about him and wanting to be with him. I cried again, I was "mopey" (my H's word for it)... and I was scared that the feelings came back.

But through talking to a friend and my wonderful therapist, I put it back in perspective and realized that it was NOT about XMM at all this time. It was about my H and our marriage and I was just NOT dealing with it - taking a break from it in a way - by letting XMM back into my head. And that gave me back the control I needed and I realize, again, even more, that there will NEVER be an "us" and that's ok.

I talked a LOT to XMM this week (he has been seeking me out as he struggles with his own issues now). And for the first time ever I was totally honest with him. And it felt GOOD. I told him that I still do think about him and miss him, and that it's been very hard for me to get over him, but that I know we will never be together because ALL he will ever offer me is "casual sex", and that's NOT what I want or need. I told him that I didn't ever just want sex with him - that I had wanted all of him - a "real" relationship even though I knew it could never be and in my head I knew it would never work - that my heart had wanted it anyway. And I suppose I gave him a final chance to say he loves me, but I knew he wouldn't. I told him, to his face, all of this, and said "but you didn't want me." And I felt so FREE to say that... it was finally me not pretending that it had been just some fling and I was fine and life is just dandy.

Maybe it's some weird version of closure for me... that I finally stopped acting like he hadn't hurt me, and just let him know... not me trying to get any kind of response from him - but because I was just tired of pretending. I can't be his therapist and I couldn't even be a friend to him because I was trying too hard to not let him know that his words and actions had an effect on me. Now he knows. And I feel good, and I feel STRONG. And today, when he came to me again needing a friend, it was fine. I handled it well, I was honest and maybe, by telling him how much he hurt me in the past, I took away some of his power to keep hurting me... only time will tell for sure on that one...

And oh the irony... HE is going through much of what I went through! He misses his new OW but neither of them seem to be able to make that move to just "run away" together... He's actually agreed to start counseling with his W. But he thinks of the OW 24/7, he can't eat, he can't sleep... he feels "alive" with her like he's never felt before... I just said "welcome to my world" and let that sink in... Telling him the truth, for the first time ever, the WHOLE truth... was cathartic.

I will have my ups and downs, my good days and bad days, but I AM GOING TO BE OK.

Glinda

Avatar for stre2001
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-08-2003 - 10:21pm
Hey Ms. Glinda...... Honey, I *know* you will be OK :)


Coming to terms and having the opportunity to express our feelings does give us a good sense of relief... Actually, it's a major step in the letting go process. Now, I just wish you didn't even take time to TALK to MM because having NC at all WILL move you miles instead of just yards :)

The opposite of love is indifference... Keep staying strong! We're all pulling for your happiness :)

Sherry

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-09-2003 - 7:07am
Thanks Sherry,

>> Now, I just wish you didn't even take time to TALK to MM because having NC at all WILL move you miles instead of just yards :) <<

I do know that the opposite of love is indifference, and I know my healing would be MUCH faster with NC... But it's not about to happen, so I do the best I can, right? The talks have been much more frequent this week because he is going through so much - and I could turn away from him (he did that to me in the past) but it's just not in me to do that... Not right now at least...

There are so many things I wish could be different now... Of course wishing I had never done this in the first place (LOL) but also wishing I COULD feel ok about telling my H (but we've hashed that issue to death here already and I can't and won't), and I wish I had NC - told XMM that I wished he would leave town with his new GF because it'd be so much easier for me if he were gone...

Considering everything though, I'm feeling ok for now - and sometimes that's all we have is the minute-by-minute living...

Thank you so much for your support - you and everyone here!!

Glinda

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Registered: 04-29-2003
Fri, 05-09-2003 - 8:18am
Good luck moving on. I'm 23 and I never thought in a million years I'd fall for someone married but I did. and now I'm so ashamed, and alone, and I feel used. You were right. My guy was using me to get through problems in his marriage. I feel like a prostitute or something. I know that I have to end it. I am ending it. But my heart will take longer to heal. I'm a good person, so I believe that I deserve someone who will love me forever and only me. You deserve it, too. Take care.

Katelyn

 

 Pregnancy Ticker
Avatar for raspberrykat
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-09-2003 - 9:04am
I so glad your feeling better! We will all have those days of ups and downs and days we want to escape our problems by "living" in our heads.

>>I can't be his therapist and I couldn't even be a friend to him because I was trying too hard to not let him know that his words and actions had an effect on me. <<

I think finally telling XMM that you were hurt and not trying to smooth things over for him and making him realize that he hurt you is very healthy. Communication is so important. If we try to make everything perfect for someone else, we put our own feelings on the back burner and in the long run we hurt ourselves.

I love your statement to him "welcome to my world" ..... I know the feeling of wanting OM to feel the same pain. Not that we want them to hurt, just that we want them to KNOW how we feel.

I know your going to be OK too. You on the right path to your own true happiness!

K

Avatar for guardedticker
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-09-2003 - 9:57am
You know Glinda, I feel you are about a stone's throw away from an emotional explosion. And I don't understand why you cannot seem to put yourself first. Perhaps it is the guilt of having the A, but it has ended so you really need to put that aside for now. I personally don't feel it is in your best interest to continue to be your OM's confidante. I know for an absolute fact that I could not stand to sit and listen to the MM talk to me about another OW in his life. It would just be too emotionally hurtful and draining. If he was truly interested in making his marriage work, the last thing he would be doing is seeking out someone he has had an affair with as a confidante. No, I am just not buying into it. Also, if he has been that oblivious to the pain he has caused you by getting involved with you, then to tell him really isn't going to make a difference at this point. From the things you say, he really doesn't care. And I don't feel your problems are going to get better in your marriage because you still have this involvement with the OM. It is still an escape. You can go to any website who helps couples after an affair and not one is going to say what you are doing is healthy for you or your marriage.

So what I hope is that you will get an attitude with this OM since you do still have to see him on a regular basis. Don't get me wrong. I am not suggesting you be mean to him. But I am suggesting that for once you put yourself first again and tell him that you can no longer afford to have yourself tied up in his problems and work on your own at the same time. You were right when you said you are not his therapist. And I don't trust this OM for a second. I know how they operate. Lies and manipulation are what they use to keep what makes them feel good. It is that simple. So this communication you've had isn't closure at all. It is continuing with something that you need to let die, once and for all if you are truly going to make your marriage work. If you don't think you get something from this man emotionally by continuing this communication with him, you are mistaken. And he is still getting something from you as well. I guess my question to you is with what you now know about him, why would you want to continue any communication with him? You can be businesslike and insist that he do the same. Being friendly and civil is not continuing as you are. The two of you are still way too close and you are just not seeing or admitting it.

You see, with what he said to you, your response was "welcome to my world." Don't you get it? He knows you have been detaching from him emotionally and one sure fire way to get you back into his grip is to have things in common with you. Learn to read manipulation when it is happening under your nose and you will be just fine. I wouldn't trust this guy with anything more than a hello at this point. You don't have to hate each other, but you do need to see the truth and make the appropriate changes. From the sound of this post, neither of you are willing to make that effort, even though that would be what would be the most respectful way to treat each other at this point.

JMHO

GT

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-09-2003 - 12:03pm
GT, you tell it like it is, and I appreciate that... it's very hard in our own lives sometimes to step back and look at what we're doing...

I need to think about all you have said... Sometimes I also feel like I'm close to just exploding, but that has much more to do with my marriage and my H at this point... My frustration levels get high and I do NOT want to say something to my H that I'll regret, in the heat of the moment... it would be too easy sometimes to say "I give up, I'm moving out, I want a divorce", and I keep trying to refocus on the bigger picture and on my decision to NOT make a huge life change when I don't think I have fully recovered from the affair or given enough effort to fixing my marriage yet... Things at home aren't bad - they just aren't good enough, if that makes any sense.

I am figuring out that missing XMM and our "relationship" is an escape. I think I took a big step forward this week in that area... was able to realize before I fell off the wagon, that I wasn't missing him, I was just frustrated with my H.

>> If you don't think you get something from this man emotionally by continuing this communication with him, you are mistaken. And he is still getting something from you as well. I guess my question to you is with what you now know about him, why would you want to continue any communication with him? You can be businesslike and insist that he do the same. Being friendly and civil is not continuing as you are. The two of you are still way too close and you are just not seeing or admitting it. <<

I know you are right... I know I need to get to a business-only way of dealing with him... I wish I could tell you that if he comes up to me and wants to talk that I'll say no and walk away... maybe I will, but I don't want to make a promise that I might not keep yet...

Maybe he's manipulating me... I will honestly give that more thought before I say anything else about it... I really was not feeling manipulated at this time, but I want to think about that idea more now that you brought it up...

Thank you for making me think.

Glinda

Avatar for guardedticker
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-09-2003 - 2:41pm
Well Glinda ~ it is never easy to be stern without sounding harsh. Just know it wasn't meant to be harsh. I can tell you that I vividly remember when I was going through the worst of my affair ending that a lot of the ladies here could see into my situation much better than I could. It's easy to do when you are not stuck in the thick of it.

Please understand that I am not saying you and this man can never be friends again, but you are living proof as to why no contact for a decent amount of time is so important. You see, until you are willing to give your DH 100%, you aren't going to see real change which means your emotional frustration is going to continue. And as long as you continue to give this OMM your time, you are going to stay emotionally connected. There are a lot of women here who know how bad it is when it remains as an emotional affair, if not worse than the physical one. And I know first hand. The MM in my life and I have many miles which separate us. Yet we are so very emotionally connected. What it comes down to is whether or not we choose to give into it. If this man is wholeheartedly going to work on his M, then the time will come when he will do his best to institute as little contact with you as possible. If you don't see that change in him, then he isn't all there for fixing his marriage. By staying connected emotionally to him in any way is doing nothing but enabling both of you to continue with this. It is NOT YOUR JOB to help him with his marriage. That is why you and he are both in therapy. What is best is when the conversation goes that way, you should take the bull by the horn and use the opportunity to say you both need to keep out of each other's personal lives.

Believe me, I know how very hard it is to do. But I also know that as long as I stayed in the MM's life, he wasn't going to ever have to face his life as it is. And the only way change is going to come is for him to face his life without using me as a crutch. I hope this makes some sense to you because the way I see it, you are as much on the fence as you were when you were in the heat of the physical affair. So nothing has really changed. And you don't have to be having sex with a man to love him. Sex is nothing more than a by product if you will, or a gift from God to those who are married. At least that is what it is supposed to be.

If you allow this communication with this OMM to continue, the light at the end of your tunnel is only going to become dimmer. What you need to realize is that until you face your marriage head on, you won't be able to go on to live a healthy life, whether you stay married or not. The same goes for this OMM.

Take care of you and the rest will fall into place. The mistake we all make is that being with these men in any capacity be it in bed or just sitting and talking may feel good but it is NOT taking care of ourselves.

Proof of the pudding? I got an email from the MM just yesterday and I cried for the first time in weeks. And after the tears dried, I got angry because he is on the verge of real change but too afraid to walk through the door to make it happen. We can all have faith until the cows come home, but if we don't gain the courage to do what we have to in order to live a full healthy and happy life, then what good is faith?

Hugs to you. I am praying for you to not only seek, but have the courage to find your answers.

GT