a cautionary tale

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2009
a cautionary tale
8
Thu, 08-27-2009 - 2:21pm

Hi everyone,

It is about time I gave a little update. Apologies in advance that this is quite long and episodic.

By way of quick summary for those that don't know me: I was in an A with a friend for a bit more than a year. The A began when I was living in the same city as xAP, but I moved away last year, and it continued long-distance, with several meetings where IC occurred. I am in a committed long-term relationship and so is he. I don't have children; he has two from a past relationship. Neither of our current partners know about the A, and for more than just the normal reasons, a D-Day would be catastrophic.

We originally broke it off in February this year, then recommenced an EA in April. It got physical again in June. I completely ended it after that, and went NC. Ending was devastating for me. I wanted more. Poisoned by the fog and toxins of the A, I would have left everything behind for him. But it became clear to me that he couldn't - or wouldn't - make the same sacrifice for me, and it seemed that the kindest thing we could do for one another was to let go.

Some of you might remember that a while ago, I came to the board with a dilemma. My xAP was coming to the city where I now work in August, for a work-related event, connected to the organisation where I now have a job. It would be inevitable that we'd come into contact. There would be a number of close mutual friends in attendance also, so strict NC would be impractical. Remember we were friends before, so our mutual friends would think it was odd-in-the-extreme if we avoided one another like the plague whilst in the same place. We'd have to be very careful to act as normally as possible to prevent raising suspicion (and causing a possible D-Day). It was a high-risk scenario, and I considered being out of town that week to avoid it. You all advised me to tough it out, stay in town and deal with things head-on. So that's what I did.

After making that decision, just to make the whole situation even 'spicier', my amazing, committed partner spontaneously *also* decided to come to town that week. He doesn't live in the city where I work (I commute), but as we had mutual friends in town who he wanted to spend some time with, he decided to work remotely that week, and hang out in the city where I work ... he booked his travel, and told me afterward.

By the time xAP came to town, we had been NC for 47 days. He had made two feeble fishing attempts, which I had ignored. I was struggling with every day of NC, relieved to be out of the A, knowing it was for the best, but finding the grieving, the missing and the letting-go tremendously difficult. You all know what I mean.

The day xAP arrived in town, he began fishing earnestly. First emails, then texts to my mobile. I tried to ignore this at first, but the late night texts caused a bit of suspicion with my partner, as you can imagine. xAP wanted to meet to talk. I was concerned that if I didn't at least have a conversation with him, he'd force the issue when we eventually saw one another at the work event - where my partner was also going to be - and create enough suspicion to cause a D-Day.

So partly, out of this fear, but also to be honest, partly out of weakness, I caved and agreed to meet him for a conversation one-on-one. It was brief - less than an hour, and we just talked. He was in a bad way, having problems with his own relationship again. (Haven't we all heard that before?)
He said he hated the silence, absolutely hated it. Had previously said he missed me terribly. But, really, I couldn't work why he really wanted to meet. It certainly wasn't to declare his undying love for me (as if!). Nothing had changed since I initiated NC. In fact he even said, "Even if we somehow managed to 'clear the decks' (ie, break up with our partners), then what?". Which says to me that even if we'd both been single, he still couldn't imagine a way that we could take our relationship further. Ouch. That was a rake in the face moment, if ever there was one!
I now think he wanted to meet to ease his conscience. He wanted to see that I didn't hate him, wasn't furious with him. I think, in a way, he wanted absolution, and in the absence of anyone else being able to provide it for him, I would do.

Though this contact was ill-advised, and was difficult for me to cope with, it did have the effect of enabling us to interact fairly normally at the work function, thus we avoided arousing suspicion amongst our mutual friends and and my partner.

Obviously, that should have been that. It should have been perfectly clear that we ought to immediately go back to NC, and see this as a blip. We had navigated through a dangerous situation, and very fortuitously managed to avoid a D-day. I should have come here immediately, and asked for your help going back to NC. But my dear friends, those A toxins are very powerful, and once you break NC and let them come flooding back into your system, it is very easy to start doing stupid things again. So like the idiot I am, after he went home, I emailed him. It was simply to say I thought it was sad but inevitable that we now revert back to NC. But it opened the way for him to respond, which of course he did, with, "I don't want to revert back to the silence at all, but if that's what's best for you, then I will, of course, respect that". I should have read the nonchalance for what it was - essentially, indifference - and left it at that. But no, Chowerhead emailed back again, and told him "I miss you". (I can see the CLs tearing out their hair at this point, and with good reason).

The ambivalent reaction I received in response triggered something I hadn't felt since well into my NC: anger. For the first time, I snapped and lashed out at him. I accused him of being inconsiderate for breaking NC, when he knew it would hurt me. I told him I had no idea what it was he wanted, but that it certainly wasn't me, and to avoid contacting me for purely selfish reasons. I finished by telling him to get his absolution elsewhere.

Pretty dumb, I agree. It was idiotic and undignified, and wasn't exactly recognising my own role in creating the hurt. I knew it wasn't going to inspire him to passionately deny his ambivalence. In his feeble reply, he didn't contradict anything I had said. He thought the email was an unfair attack and a selective interpretation of the circumstances, which it no doubt was. He made a promise that he'd think about it and "respond later". I told him not to bother. And he hasn't

Despite the stupidity of the contact, somehow this whole ridiculous exchange, has changed things for me. Somehow the situation morphed from being a tragic case of a romance that wasn't mean to be, to being a straight-forward, pretty ordinary case of one person feeling something the other doesn't. I remember thinking, even before I sent the final email, that it was pretty childish, pathetic and impotent to be angry with someone just because they don't love you.

It is clearer than ever for me that xAP isn't interested in me. Perhaps he thinks he is, but I feel he is even more self-delusional that I was at the height of the A, and doesn't really understand what's going on. It isn't me he wants. He wants the attention. He hated the silence, because there was no-one around to give him those ego-strokes I was so willing to dish out. He wanted to keep in contact, so that I could deliver the service at a distance. But he'd never be prepared to pay for that service with reciprocation, or any kind of commitment.

I know this sound dreadfully clinical and unemotional, and I am sorry for this. In actuality, I'm in a lot of pain (deservedly so) right now. I just somehow needed to tell this story in as straightforward a manner as possible to get it out of my system.

So it is Day 10 of NC. I'm back at the beginning, and though awash in all of the emotions one would expect to be experiencing at Day 10, I know it is the right thing to do. There will be no fishing from him. I've broken the unspoken rule of our relationship - that I provide the feel-goods. As soon as I dished out some feel-bads, he backed off palpably. I almost felt the recoil from a thousand miles away. I sense he's an active participant in the NC now, and probably hopes he'll never see me again.

And I guess that's a good thing. We both have to get on with our lives, put this terribly destructive A behind us, and return to the people we've chosen to be with.

I hope this story will serve as a bit of a cautionary tale to those who are wondering why NC is important. Please tough it out. Keep hanging in there. Hopefully, you'll see that if you break NC, like I did - for whatever reason - you'll risk making yourself look ungraceful and foolish, and you'll make things worse. And you will get hurt.

xx

LT

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Thu, 08-27-2009 - 3:13pm
Hi LT,

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Thu, 08-27-2009 - 6:07pm
Thanks so much for sharing
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2009
Thu, 08-27-2009 - 6:22pm

Empowerment & Band,

Thanks so much for your reactions. I'm really grateful for the support.

If I am honest with myself, I need it. Stupid as it is, 10 days NC the second time around, is still 10 days NC, and you ladies (and men - hi Triathlon Coach, how are you doing?), know what that's like.

Empowerment, I did read all about your recent fishing attempt. It was sobering to know that the mess we have created can still have the power to bite us that far into NC. I read your tale and realised I have a long way to go. The anger is shocking, isn't it? I had worked hard to give that away duing the NC. Unlike some here -- who I really admire, I should say -- I can't quite embrace the 'anger is an energy' philosophy. I want to focus on the positives, free myself of the craving, the destructive covetousness, forgive, let it all go, and feel lightness and acceptance. I have had glimpses, so I know it is possible.

Anyway, I wish you both love and luck on your journeys, and thank you so much for your support and kind words about mine.

Take care.

xx

LT

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2009
Thu, 08-27-2009 - 6:46pm

Hi LT, I'm so sorry that you had to experience all this pain again.

 

              &n

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2009
Thu, 08-27-2009 - 7:16pm

Dancer,

I am particularly glad to hear from you. You have been one of my touch-stones. Your stories, and your wonderful coping skills have given me so much heart over the past months. I read all your posts, and I have learned a lot from you, and have followed your story closely.

Yes, I have a lot to work out; so much to sort through. I think I naively and subconsciously duped myself into believing NC was a solution to everything. But it is really a shield behind which we can shelter whilst we do the hard work. And for me the hard work starts here. I feel a 'Kids from Fame" quote coming on here ;-)

You posted one of the most telling comments I have read here. You recently wrote that you received a fishing attempt from your xAP by text, and you deleted it, noting "He's just a stranger to me now". I was chastened and a bit heartbroken to read this.

But you're right. You're right. That's the aspiration.

You're a very quick leaner, Dancer. Thank you *so much* for your insights.

x

LT

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Thu, 08-27-2009 - 9:18pm

NC "....But it is really a shield behind which we can shelter whilst we do the hard work."

Absolutely, LT...NC is just the protective shield behind which the fog can begin to dissipate and no more new fog can


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2009
Fri, 08-28-2009 - 8:17am

LT,


As you said, "I thought NC was the solution".

 

              &n

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2008
Wed, 09-02-2009 - 3:19pm

LT,


I read your post and realized what you were referring to when replying to me a couple of weeks ago.