Caved in and angry
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| Fri, 07-09-2010 - 9:11am |
Hi Everyone,
I regret to say that I caved in after numerous texts from XAP after a night out and with too much alcohol I got nasty.
I'm feeling like a psycho. And have called my phone network to block the number, which they can't do, only if i change my number which puts me at a total loss as I've applied for a trillion jobs under the other number.
I'd done so well and all contact was ignored for the past few days, the last straw being a random 'goodmorning mrs this is the last time i text this unless i'm saying it to your face' - it infuriated me. And has put me back to step one. After doing so well but feeling low, i felt positive... now i feel loss of control, and anger at the person i've become and wish him bad... what's that about?
I'm so sorry EAS community. I really need your help and patience right now.
Sad and alone.
Pikulou :(

Piku,
Please try not to beat yourself up too much.
Pikulou,
I am sorry you are sad, but you are not ALONE. There are many of us who have been in the same position, and will help you again dust yourself off and start over again towards NC, no contact and no new hurts.
In the five weeks of my NC, I thought a few times I wanted to contact xAP for a variety of reasons. I have stayed away from alcohol since it seems to make me bolder, and reading what others have done has also stopped me since the pain of contacting xAP seems so great. I am sorry for your pain, but THANK YOU for keeping me on tract and still keeping me at NC. I know that's not what you wanted to hear, but your story helps me stay focused. You have saved me.
You are not alone, post often and tell us how you are handling this day and the next few days. Even if its just a few words, keep us informed.
Hugs to you,
MO at 50!
MovingON
Hi, Pikulou -
ouch. It sucks to feel like a psycho. btdt. You got on the low road with X and it hurts your pride. Total suckage.
Let's talk about your drinking. Alcohol is a depressant and that is not what you need right now while you're trying to heal and think clearly about your past and plan for your future. Moreover, alcohol makes you do and say things that you'll regret, especially when consumed in excess. If you are vulnerable to drinking and texting, then you MUST block and walk the alcohol as well as your X. what do you say?
Time to make today a better day than yesterday.
Dee
Oh my, you're all fantastic and thank you so much for the support and not one of you told me off for being weak! I was a girl who prided herself on determination and willpower in all aspects of life but the A has taken that from
Hi Piku -
No one here is going to tell you off :) These wonderful people give hard advice and point out what we don't want to admit, but it's for our own good. I can't tell you how much the "vets" here have helped me. We've all caved at one point or another and no one judges you.
<<>>
Listen to yourself and what you need. I learned that yesterday - I need to focus on ME and what I need to heal. If you need to be alone, take a walk and be alone. If you need to be with friends, call someone. And when you need support, vent, or ask advice, come to EAS.
Do be careful drinking :)
Bodhi
Piku,
Your story sounds so much like mine--listen we have all been there. I caved in to my NC last week and was embarassed to admit it but posted on the board and got some support.
We ALL get bold when we drink, and lose sight of consequences. I've actually taken to giving my phone to friends on a night out just so I don't drink and dial.
You're angry at yourself for caving, and you're angry at him for baiting you. I understand--i feel like I can't count on my xAP to be strong for nothin, if I text or call him, he'll ALWAYS answer, so its entirely up to me to work on the NC thing. Puts a lot of pressure on you.
Use these bad feelings as a lesson to not repeat this. Write down your experience, and next time youa re thinking of breaking NC, read what you wrong. If you have him in your phone, put him in as "DO NOt ANSWER" or something, so every text that comes in is a reminder to stay away.
Get back on the horse honey. We've all done it. Hang in there :)
MovingON
Wow.. excellent advice. I've not got his number. And I never learned it off. But should I hear... and I'm confident I won't, I'll be sure to rename him as something off putting.
Thanks a million girls.
Truth is, I'm hurting like hell... this XAP left his wife to 'be free' for me.. he couldn't handle being away from the children, and his wife's ultimatum has him reconsidering going back (a threat about being a fortnightly dad).
The last text lastnight said his children were more important than him and me. Yes I totally agree. But it still hurts. I told him I was blocking the number because he hasn't respected my NC requests in the past. So regardless of the fact, I can't do that. He knows no different.
I'm angry for hanging on waiting for the right time for me to go... more than often with the doubt of not going because he could never fulfil me. It, for me, was probably more about the chase and addiction of the A.
Drink is an enemy. I rarely drink so I need to not again and I'm hoping tomorrow night, when i'm out, i'll come home early and wake up on sunday and begin a better week.
Normal relationships never feel like this... my husband is being so attentive as i cry today. He's put it down to depression elevated by having to leave my job.
If last year's me, met 2010 me, she wouldn't recognise herself.
Good luck everyone with NC... one thing I will learn, only 8mths into a marriage is, I'll never have another A ever.
PikuLou x
Hi Pikulou,
Sorry you are hurting so badly. Cyber hugs to you!
I'm glad you keeping us informed and try not to beat yourself up so much.
Glad you have learned that an A is not the way to go.
MO
MovingON