Celebrate with me, for me!
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| Fri, 01-21-2005 - 2:59pm |
Celebrate with me!!
Well, I finally did it.
I was able to ignore his calls and for the first time ever....not reply to his emails. We work together. So I made myself unavailable for the majority of the morning. As soon as I came to work, he was at my desk. I just looked at him and said absolutely nothing.
He paced the hallway back and forth. I'm sure hoping I would break my resolve, but I didn't. He leaves this afternoon to go see his family and will be gone all next week. I am so thankful for that.
I feel I will be successful this time. Before...I couldn't ignore his non-stop phone calls and would eventually answer. Before...I would reply to his emails in a matter of minutes they were sent. Before....I made myself available to "his" every need. I think I have come to this point because over the past month, I slowly distanced myself from the situation (although not mentally...I thought of him all the time). I would turn off my phone for hours. I would wait hours before I responded to his emails. I would reject his request "to see me!" I feel it has helped me end it at my pace and under my circumstances. That way the initial shock of NC wouldn't break me down like it did in the past.
I have been discussing some childhood issues in T. We discussed the anxiety I feel when he isn't present and "reassuring me of my worth". HE CANNOT VALIDATE ME AS A PERSON. MY HUSBAND CANNOT VALIDATE ME AS A PERSON. I have to be the one who is ok with who I am. This has been more of an emotional A than anything. We talked for hours every day and shared lots of laughs. I know he is hurting because there is a "twisted" connection between us. But, I can't worry about him and how he feels.
I am sure I will have my days when I "feel" I cannot do this. But, I will have to get through them and hope for better tomorrows. Today just celebrate with me!!
SS

Hooray!!! Wonderful for you!!!
That truly is a good thing and sometimes we need to see these good things to keep our own resolve.
Stay strong!
IAT-
Thanks for the support. I felt so empowered earlier. Now....not so great. If I could take it all back, I would with lightning speed. There is so many sporadic thoughts going through my mind. I have to retrain my thinking patterns, and it takes so much energy.
Earlier I said to myself, I'm going home and cleaning my house to keep focused/distracted. But, I'm home and feel like crying myself to sleep. I am exhausted. I want to drink to numb the pain...but I know I'll do something stupid wallowing in my self-pity. I don't want it to be like it was in the past...where when he returns off leave....there's a message waiting for him. I don't want him to know he exist in my thoughts constantly.
SS
Sunshinetx76:
Take your victories when you can girl. Then cry if you have to. Sometimes I slept because my dreams were more comfort than the awful grief of conciousness. Dont drink (that only worsens depression). Eat well (lay off sugar if you can). But crying is a release. Then when you feel you've cried enough, practice strength.
It does get better. We actually have chemicals in our bodies that we are withdrawing from. I am serious about that. They work out of your system. In a sense sometimes I grieve over having greived if that makes sense...that time is passing and I will forget him a lil more. I wanted to hold onto him in my memory. But one has to live and be sane to function.
Time heals...it really does ease it. I will never forget him...I just wont be a wreck every day or ever minute. I was a lil scared that I wasnt going to ever feel good again. It gets put in a place that helps us function better eventually.
If it doesnt do it in a reasonable amount of time or you cannot function with basic life needs (work, sleeping normal hours, eating or not eating for dramatic lengths of time...thoughts of suicide prevailing, perpetual anxiety attacks etc)please seek help whether it be reaching out to a good friend or professional help...but seek it nonetheless.
Lizzie
Lizzie-
Thanks for your support. Hugs to you as well. I stayed up last night and lurked on the AS board. I read many interesting post. I wanted to cry. I did a little.
There is so many mixed opinions about closure...how to get it, how not to get it. Most say NC b/c the answers I am looking for I will not find. I am such a vocal person. One of my demons is having the strength to just let go of "letting it go!" because I have to feel like I am in control all the time.
When we were together last, we both agreed that most R built on an A do not last b/c it was built on the foundation of lies and deceit. There would never be trust. I was never led to believe that he would leave his DW and vice versa. But...I cared for him and he for me. I read in one of your other post that time has showed you...humans have the ability to love more than one person. That is so true.
This man is a serial cheater. There was nothing "bad" in his marriage which led him to stray. He had OW from the very start of it. I just have this need to know, "I was different. I sparked something in him!" This wasn't the typical...spend all our spare time together, calls everyday, then fading into distance. From the beginning, my conscience ate away at me. I would hang up, say it is over...etc...etc. Get mad for no reason. I was just difficult. I just don't feel (especially knowing there was atleast one OW which I didn't find out until 5 months in while we were together) that he would stick around if he didn't care. I became like a jealous wife. I said many hateful things to him and not once did I receive the same treatment. One phone call..out of the blue...he said, " you were meant to be a one night stand. But you are more than just a "piece" to me. I really came to care for you." Of course, I just laughed at him. But in those moments where he was open and it wasn't from digging info out of him, that I feel he told the truth.
I really feel/think that when a man is like he is. Always playing this "game" with women.
There comes a time when along comes this person...an unexpected "surprise" (if you will) that is just different. You want to play the game because that is what you have done so long; it's a habit. But, you can't figure this one out. To rid yourself of the guilt of betraying your spouse, you have always had little to no respect for these women who would sleep with you, when they know you are married. They are nothing to you- dispensable. Then...here comes this one. You see her differently. She becomes "human" to you. She has a dynamic personality. She cries, she laughs, she acts "silly", she loves people, she is good to others, she's attractive, she seems "put" together. All the men in the office adore her and treat her like a sister. She is no longer "just a piece"; she is more than that but he knows it will never go anywhere. I really believe that he broke many of his "existing" player rules he had for himself with me. He said...no other woman besides my wife can do and say the things you say to me and not be forgotten about at a moments notice.
Anyways, just need to get some of my thoughts out here. The more I talk about it...helps me keep my resolve to let this be. Thanks for listening.
SS
Dont mean to jump in here with my own stuff but Lizzie said:
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This is me.. it has been 6 days NC and I am just hating how I still feeling so weepy and blah. I just dont think I will ever get better than this. I get up in the morning, do my day, enjoy my DD, try to do the best for my M but me, myself feel unhappy.
I am just worried this is as good as it gets and I will alwasy have that feelign like something is missing
Bria....
I promise you...it does get better. Give yourself a month. (i know that sounds excruciating) If it doesn't in 30 days please seek medical treatment. You have to live and live better...for your daughter and YOURSELF. I found when I tried to dust myself off and did something to better myself (i am still on my diet...never stopped that) and started to "see" the results...it made me feel better. i practice smiling at people (yup practicing...forcing...whatever you want to call it because I am a wallllllowwwwer cancer sun sign chick inside...and I have to be mindful that the world is not going to kiss my booboos or wants to). "Trying" to feel better is half way there already =).
I also am going on the internet and talking to other people (not quite ready to get involved in another relationship or meet someone, BUT its nice to think about someone else for an hour and to have lingering things they said about themselves or how witty and smart I was in that convo etc. There is hope for me. There is hope for you. You have the rest of your life with or without him anyway right? He is not the only man in the world, and there was life before him. There is life after him if you choose it.
::::::::Hugs to Bria:::::::::
Lizzie
Thanks Lizzie
I worry b/c I can be a very good actress.. if you were to see me you'd say I really had it together. Great friend to everyone. Always making people laugh and I am a big time smiler. Even this week I was like that. If I lose anymore weight my Mother will freak. But I know what you are saying! Those types of things..friends, family and smiles do make me happy. I am not even unhappy in my M. But my life was just better or at least I felt like it was with MM in it. It seemed brighter i guess. I just feel like I am still down and not sure if i will rise above this level. It isnt horrible but I also know life can and should be happier than this.
I am tryign to put my faith in time..
Thanks
Bria
Bria-
Hugs to you! My T hit on something very important this week. I told her, "I just want to be happy! Before and after the MM, I never felt happy to just live." She said happiness comes and goes in cycles. It is not constant b/c life just isn't that way. But...peace...that is totally different. Start wanting peace, that's obtainable.
I don't know your story, but I am quite sure the feelings are familiar. I hope things get better for you. Take it one day at a time. Celebrate the minutes....hours...and then days when missing him is bearable. You will get there.
SS
Thanks SS
That is a good way of thinking about it. Peace isnt such a bad thing..peace from the mornign pit in my stomach, from wonderign about someone else etc.
Thanks
Bria
Bria,
You're making such HUGE strides!!! You have to look at how far you've come and realize that though you may have much father to go.... you've made the first, most painful part of your journey already.
You're doing great, sweetie!!! Hugs to you!
"When I meet a man, I ask myself 'Is t