Cheater becomes the Cheated on..

Avatar for mikkolover
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Cheater becomes the Cheated on..
6
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 6:57am
So, most of you know my OM 'mess' this heavy Emotional A, for about 8 months now on and off, he lives in NL, I live In Fin, anyway, H and I have always been very open with all of it.

It all hurts, and we talk and my H is honestly a wonderful man. I was quite inexperienced and so is H and I know that is exactly why I want OM. Just to feel what its like to be with someone else, and of cours the big self-esteem kick of being wanted by this other being ( gorgeous ). But my H has always frowned upon one night stands and those things.

When I was single, I'd make out with 3-5 guys a night, just a bit of fun, nothing heavy. And H has never done that. But as i said, we've talked and I told him that its all good, as long as we discuss things along the way. One of us will always have to sacrifice our feelings should we meet someone we wnat to be with, in any way.

But we know that we want to only be with, and i mean long-term with eachother. 7 years of a pretty good marriage and plans for kids etc.. but we have to talk about it first, before anything.. well happens..

Last weekend, we went to our usual club with friends, and i saw H dancing with a girl, (he's never done that before.. ) and then i saw his hands on her a**, and i thought, okay we're all kinda drunk, but he's never done that before. And next thing i know he waves to me, and walks off somewhere with her..

As open minded and liberal as I am, we were there with friends, ( who don't know how we are.. ) and after 40 min i began to get really p'd off. I thought maybe he left the club, with my keys and coat ticket and license etc. not to mention my money ( I never carry a purse).

So i phoned him and he said he was making out with some girl, that it was strange and he really didn't feel right about it, and he couldnt believe someone was into him, and that he told her almost immediately that he was M and she flipped out, but still managed to make out some more..

I dunno why I am venting this all to you guys, most of you don't have the time to read it all, and have your own issues. But it just feels weird, thats all i can say. Not that he would do it, cause I have been quite open about OM, but that he would do it that way, with friends and all my things, and whatever, most of you will think this is lame, maybe it is. I am having OM issues now, as we're going to NL in two weeks, and for some damn reason i feel i have to see him ( even though he stood me up last time.. ) this is all nuts, thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 8:16am
Eek!

Don't really know what to say -- you have a rather unconventional marriage, at least by U.S. terms, so I often don't quite know what kind of advice to offer you!! I feel bad for you, though, things sound a bit mixed up.

I do think you need to forget about the OM for good, that does not seem like it is going to go anywhere, ever.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 10:17am
IMO you and your H need to work out some of the issues that you are having. Maybe he is trying to see what kind of a reaction he can get from you. Are you in MC or have you ever considered it.

Best of luck to you. I think you both need to have some deep conversations on where you want your marriage to go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 10:20am
Hi Mikko,

Do you think that maybe you're H is somehow acting out and that maybe he is jealous or upset of your relationship with your OM? That was my first gut feeling after reading your post.

Torn

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 10:48am
Hi,

It sounds like you have an "open" marriage but for one spouse to do that in front of another under those circumstances is above and beyond acceptable I think. It sounds as if your H is trying to prove a point to you....and wants some type of reaction. How do you feel now? I have always wondered if my H were to do some of the things I have done how I would feel and if it would have an impact on me so I am just wondering what you are feeling now and if it has made you change anything. Hang in there.

Karry

Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige

Avatar for mikkolover
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 11:54am
my h says he didn't intend things to be rude or whatever, and that maybe subconciously he was trying to make me jealous. Honestly I feel like crap. I know that feeling things for another man for goddess knows how many months isn't exactly healthy, but as much as that has happened, I couldn't do what he did.

Its not that i don't trust him, cause i do, and we agreed if we were to be attracted to someone else, we'd discuss, and see what happens, but its never got to the sleeping with someone else stage.. he also says that he wouldn't be comfortable doing this again, almost like i pushed him into doing it, cause i do talk about him needing to feel how i feel every once in a while.

I dunno, MC, well, considering we are both foreigners in this country, its tough to find someone we can trust, and who speaks english. We are esentially eachohter's family, no kids, and both working. Me less this summer, but we will get through this.

I do feel betrayed, like how could it happen right there, but then again, many and i mean many times i have checked out guys at the same club and wished i could go off with someone, and had i made the right eye contact probably would have. Then again, its never gotten to that point.

thanks for listening.

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 05-08-2004 - 1:07pm
We reap what we sow.

Jazzdiva