Checking in

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2012
Checking in
10
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 7:35pm

Just thought I would check in and let everyone know how things are going here in Oz.  NC started when xAP took annual leave on Oct 31st, since then he broke the NC rule 6 days later with an email (just a smiley face) to which I didnt reply, followed the following day with another email asking if I could do a work related favour, I crumbled and said yes, he called we chatted for 40mins.  He text me the very next day asking if i was home, he was passing and would call in to see my new pool. I was at work and didnt reply.  A week later he sends another email this time just a winky face, i crumbled and replied with a smiley face.  That was 6 days ago, I have not heard anything nor i have tried to make contact, I still love him dearly but it is getting easier and I am starting to see things clearer and I even now stop myself and think...gee I just went a whole hour without thinking about him!  I know this is a small step but considering he was constantly on my mind 24/7 just to not have him there for an hour is signifcant. So just as it is getting easier my next hurdle is arriving in the form of a work awards night this Saturday night, yes xAP and his W will be there as will I without my H, we have to attend, and all of us seated at a round table of 12 - nowhere to hide.  This will be my first contact with the W.  I am not sure how I will feel about seeing them together, in all the time of our A I never once saw them together. I am also unsure as to how much xAP has told her of the A and whether she will corner me and ask questions??? or worse abuse in front of everyone.  Do I need to fall violently ill on Saturday afternoon just so I don't have to endure the torture or do i face my fears and hope this is another step forward in seeing the A for what is really was?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2012
In reply to: Tily6
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 9:30pm

xAP just phoned me, he was in tears, shaking and sounded not like him at all.  He was calling to tell me we can't ever call or message each other again, his W is in counselling, his family hates him and can't even look at him.  He wants to make things right with his family again.  I said I was sorry for the pain I had caused him and his family and he said it wasn't my fault, he also said as bad as his life is now he still doesn't regret a second that was spent with me. Not sure where this all came from as I am not the one who was doing the contacting. I guess for him he has just realized it is over.  I now feel nothing but numbness, I cant even cry :( 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2012
In reply to: Tily6
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 9:41pm
O...M...G ! I am new here so do not know your story but that sounds like it was awful! How did you handle it? Did you break it off with him or did he break it off with you? How long ago? Hugs to you ---True
Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 10:29pm

((Tily))

I know you are in shock right now.  

This has happened before....The Call.  Well, we can't know what's happened on his end...maybe his wife got wind of his contacting you...when it was supposed to be ended.  Doesn't matter, really...what we DO know is that he has made his choice and has ended the affair.  He did everyone a big favor.  

Now you can grieve the loss in order to get on with your life.  I know it hurts right now, but you will be okay.  This is your opportunity for a rebirth, to plug yourself back into your marriage and family, and start living the honest life with integrity

((HUGS))

Clarity

 

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

Avatar for happyasme
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
In reply to: Tily6
Thu, 11-15-2012 - 9:42pm
  • ((((Tily))))
  • I'm sorry you are in pain, I'm not sure if the tears have come yet, but they will, let them flow, but don't let them decide for you.  That is one of the problems of A-like thinking, we become impulsive and base our decisions on our feelings.  You must know learn to "sit" through the feelings, let the wave past.  There is a thread in the HL called the 48 hour rule that would be a good read and explains this.
  • Being competitive is good, caving in right after he "lost" the "who can hold their breath under water the longest" not so great eh?  All that shows is that when we end an A, we end it because we want to end it, we end it for us, not for H or family, sure they will benefit from our presence, honnesty and reclaimed dignity, but it has to be because we want it because we want what's best for us.  That was a long sentence.  Ending is not competition with xAP, it may be hard to grasp now, but ending has nothing to do with xAP, from here on out it's all about you.
  • I'm sure you will find some illness or other urgency to keep you away from this event Saturday.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Fri, 11-16-2012 - 11:41am

Hi Tily,

How are you doing today?

It’s hard when it comes and you are not ready for it. It’s a lot to process and accept in such a short time frame.

I think you knew deep down it was leading to the end. There was the D-day on his end and him wanting/agreeing to the 30 days of NC.  Now you don’t have the pressure of wondering what to do after the 30 days of NC expires.

 Now it’s on to coping with this loss—acceptance. This is all about you now. How you can move forward. What you can do to break free from the cycle of the A. Journal your feelings if you have a safe place you can write them down.  Keep posting in and let us know how you are doing.

So many here can relate to where you are right now.

Hugs,

E1

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2012
In reply to: Tily6
Sun, 11-18-2012 - 7:33pm

Just thought I would update everyone after the work function on Sat night.  I survived!  It was awkward, uncomfortable and i just kept telling myself as bad as it was for me it was far far worse for the W.  I managed to avoid them for most of the night, he approached me while the W was in the toilet to ask what cocktail i would like and then he passed it to someone else to give me, however when myself and some others left the function and headed on to a bar, he and the W followed us 5 minutes later...I thought....leave me alone!  Then a few of us decided to head off to another quieter bar, as we were walking down the street i turn around and there he and the W are following behind!!  I decided to take a detour call H and go home.  Sunday was hell, I missed him so much and couldnt stop thinking about him, I will not call or text though and i have to admit it is far easier when you don't have to see them.  New job here i come.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Sun, 11-18-2012 - 9:16pm

I have to say something.  "THE" wife sounds disrespectful, and it makes me bristle.  I see it used a lot on the My Affair Support Board.  She is HIS WIFE.  (I'm not yelling with the caps...just emphasizing)

Okay, that said, what's this about a new job?  Had you mentioned this before? Did I miss it?  How long 'til you start it?  Are you looking forward to it?

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2012
In reply to: Tily6
Mon, 11-19-2012 - 5:39am

Yes you are totally correct about calling her the W, just noticed it on here and thought it was the done thing I am still getting my head around the abreviations.  Still not sure what a JAM is??? and can only guess at few others.  No new job, but i am looking for one :) I know its only early days but honestly I am not looking forward to  xAP returning to work.  Does that mean i am finally making progress??

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Mon, 11-19-2012 - 9:02am

Yes it does. It does mean things are getting better, IF.........you really mean it.

Talk is cheap, and walking the walk is what eventually means whether you make it or not.

I find it hard to believe that a wife would go with her husband anywhere with the other woman that he been involved with. ???  Does she know the REAL story?  Has he got her fooled? 

Why is he still trying to connect with you?  Who doesn't understand that it is over?

Are you teasing him by being there, and then going out and drinking?

I am a drinker.  To a fault.  I know that I drink too much and I also know that it is one of the easiest ways to fail at this journey. I would be concerned about drinking and being around him. I pass that a long as a person who knows that every serious problem I ever had, alcohol was involved. Just an experienced warning.

Looking for a new job. Great, if you can do it. Usually it is one of the first weak arguments that comes along, is you can't do that. I know it's hard. Everything is hard when you are making this break.  Changing jobs is one of the best things you can do. Going NC is hard. It's work. Hard work.  It works.  Everytime. 

In your case I can see you have to have LC, but you can control that.  Do it.

JAM = Just A Man //// JAW = Just A Woman. Thats all they are. We romanticize them until they are gods and goddesses and we forget what they really are. It is all about the fantasy that we hang onto. Letting them go because we see them as they really are is part of the healing. They are really just human beings. Blemishes and all. The sooner we see the truth, and admit the truth the better off we are.

It is a journey. It takes time. It also takes learning the lessons.  Hopefully you find the advice here helpful and useful, and heed it without doing it all the hard way, as so many of us have done. I wish I had been more trusting to the wise people here than I was to my own inclinations.

I'm pulling for you.  Do good.  You will never regret making the break.

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2012
In reply to: Tily6
Mon, 11-19-2012 - 4:21pm
You are so on it! Yes XAP has his wife fooled, he has given her no information about the A except that he has feelings for me and we kissed. I am totally dedicated to ending the A, that is why Sat night I decided to enjoy myself with my workmates from other centers.