Checking in

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Checking in
Tue, 12-11-2012 - 6:45pm

Hi everyone,

I can't believe how much support and love I have already gotten from you! Thank you to all of you who have taken the time to respond to me and offer such great insight. In some ways I'm better, and some I'm worse. I went to counseling alone yesterday and it helped. One minute I'm feeling strong and proud for not contacting him and the next I'm wondering why he hasn't contacted me. I never officially ended things. I just cancelled on him Sunday and haven't texted. I'm hit with the reality that he isn't texting me because he doesn't want to. I'm not important. I never mattered. He is divorced, miserable, and lonely. I was fun, sweet, and loving to him. Why was I not good enough to matter? Yes, we were Friends With Benefits, but we were close friends. I thought. I know I shouldn't be focusing on that but at the moment, I am. I know in my heart HE'S the one not good enough for WHY was I not good enough for him?

Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
In reply to: lilyann77
Tue, 12-11-2012 - 8:56pm

Good girl, Lilyann, for staying the course.  We all know how difficult it is...because we have all been there.  I promise, things will get better with some time and distance out...and a lot of introspection.

To answer your question about why you weren't good enough.  Let me come from the angle of why none of us were the type of girl to take home to mother.  This may be tough to hear.  You are married right?  Of would not have been an affair...excuse me.

This is my take on why an affair partner, when becoming available, does not choose their affair partner...and so it may not apply to everyone.

When we are married...or even if we are single messing around with a married man...well, we prove ourselves unworthy.  We behave in a manner that shows we have an inability to honor our our vows, our spouses, our children.  We've shown ourselves to be a liar and betrayer to the people we profess to love.  We have shown ourselves to be untrustworthy.  We have shown lack of self-respect and self-love and a lack of respect for others.

So you see, no healthy person is going to want to participate with us.  Now I don't know if he was married when you started and then divorced...if so, perhaps you are a reminder of how he, himself, behaved badly...with the woman who colluded with him...and he wants a clean slate.

Bottomline, imo, we simply cannot be trusted.  And I can't tell you how many times I've heard people say how, even if they had ended up with their affair partner, they never would have been able to trust them.

I know how hard this is to hear.  More often than not, we find out we were not the little Miss Perfect we thought we were.  It is a bitter pill to swallow, but until you take your medicine, the medicine of accountability, real healing will be impeded.  We all had to take our licks and medicine.

But have no fear, this is the perfect opportunity to turn yourself around.  We do not define ourselves by our affairs.  But we do define ourselves by our behavior...and that can be corrected so we can get back on the track of honest living.

An extra big ((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))) because that was probably a little tough, but we have to stay real.


Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
In reply to: lilyann77
Wed, 12-12-2012 - 7:37am

Hi Lily

You are going to have these thoughts spinning around your head for a while. We all have used way too much wondering why he never tried to make contact, how he could just forget about us, did he ever really care, or love us?

Trying to live without knowing everything is difficult, but accepting we cannot get inside peoples heads and find out the truth is part of moving on. I have struggled, in my weaker moment with why my xAP didn't even say good bye. Even though I *specifically* asked him to never contact me again, I still wished deep inside of me, that he could make me feel like I was something special, and he would never forget me. I would never have taken him back, or forgiven him, but I felt it would help me feel less of a slut, less of a desperate, pathetic women if at least I meant something.

So here I am 11 months out, and I never found out how he felt about me. Beside having to be in a company meeting once,  close after the ending, where he sat a few rows in front of me, and I could see he was joking and smiling with his colleagues - which upset me a great deal, as I was hurting like hell.

Letting go is not easy, but tormenting yourself with theses thoughts is distructive and wont get you anywhere. Try to file him away in the "unknown" section of your brain, and focus on yourself. I needed help switching my throughts off, so I went crazy listening to audiobooks, one after the other... really helped distract myself from him.

Could also be that after a while - my brain just got tired of trying to figure out an exquasion that was missing most of the information. The answer was never accurate and changed depending on how I was feeling on a particular day!

good luck, and stay strong, keep writing - things will get better!



Every recovery is a kind of rebirth