Checking in-4 months NC
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Checking in-4 months NC
| Sat, 03-06-2010 - 11:17pm |
Hi All,
Just thought I'd check in since I haven't posted for a while. It's 4 months NC for me and I'm feeling better every day. Still lots of triggers, but I have 5 years of craziness to overcome so I'm trying to be patient, but strict,

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Oh goodness, I so remember that feeling as well. Not in the beginning at all, but as the years wore on (7). We had terrific conversations, and have to say, I missed talking to him the most; however, after the conversation, I would feel empty and dead, like something was missing, and whatever we talked about didn't mean anything then.
Looking back, and putting it altogether now, the feeling might have been due to me jumping through hoops to get to a place, find a private quiet place (almost everyday as I was so addicted)...just going through so much just to have that conversation with my best friend (argh) with all the sneaking, hiding, and adrenaline pumping, not to mention destroying my health, that perhaps when it actually happened, that the thunder was taken out of it as what I did to get there was too much; overkill, all of which he wouldn't and didn't have to do, as I did it, leaving me feeling down and swearing I wouldn't do it again as it caused too much pain. I know I didn't feel good about it and seemed to want more of whatever it was or whatever I thought there was to make it better, that wasn't anything really, if that makes sense.
I also remember after every conversation, xap would write and go on and on about how great it was to talk to me, that it made his day (of course it did...can see his ego flying high), for which I could never understand until later. Of course he felt great as I was an option for him, a bonus for the day, yet for me, it was my day and my priority.
I'm so happy all of that is over...
Mish
UTBN,
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~Iddy~
Mish,
It's great to see you posting in again.
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I have to agree with this statement. The anticipation mixed along with our own contrived expectations would always fall short of what we had hoped for, whatever that was. ;-)
((Hugs))
~Iddy~