Checking in :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Checking in :)
5
Wed, 01-05-2011 - 3:11pm

Hello ladies and gents, those that I've known in the past and (sadly) all the new faces. Sadly, because you've had an A and all the hurts that go with it, and that's why you're here. Mind you, if you're here that also means you're in the process of ending...which is faaaantastic!

Quick back story for those who are new: Had a mostly EA with a MM (I was S at the time) for about 5mo, on/off again of contact (though, not seeing each other) for a few mo after that, finally pulled the plug myself and have been total (and I mean total) NC for just shy of 5 mo (...Wow! It'll be 5mo as of the 13th).

For those who saw me around before. No, I haven't 'not been around' because I've been back in A-land. Far from it! I've been busy with school, work, getting out and visiting my family back home; working on me and being present in my own life again. I can tell you, this Holiday break was vastly different than last year; and boy am I glad! Twice since getting my tweener wings did xAP JAM try and contact me on a site we both belong to (and I don't go there nearly as often now, maybe once every two weeks). I deleited both and sure as heck never replied...or even thought about it! Rather, I thought 'what the eff do you think you're doing?!'. I want to thank EAS and all lthe lovely ladies here for helping me get there, to be able to do that.

I would also like to think that it's what I've learned from EAS that helped me get myself out of a potentially sticky situation. Back in mid-Oct I was talking to a guy; he was S, I was too, and there were some common interests and what not. However, in rather short order some red-flags popped up and I said 'thanks but no thanks' and cut contact. He then ran the gamunt of trying to be both 'sweet and sour' to coerce me back into keeping contact. Sorry buddy, no such luck. I stuck to my guns because I thought 'if I can keep NC after an A and all the toxic sludge that tries to bring us back, this will be a piece of cake' and it was. Not to say that it was easy all the time, but in comparason it really was. I was very proud of myself for both having said 'no' and then stuck to it. It's hard, sometimes, post-A and working with that fear of 'no one will ever want me'. But, what was worse in my mind was having someone want me on those terms; much like the terms n an A. Just not good and like heck if I'd ever sacrafice myself again.

----
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2010
In reply to: wcfem
Wed, 01-05-2011 - 3:33pm
Hey WCF!!!!! I am so glad to hear from you and see how well you are doing. I have been wondering about you....not so much concern about falling off the wagon....but rather by being consumed by the monster that is PhD study!!!

I love the fact that you put skills learned here toward the recognition of what could have been another potentially toxic relationship! GOOD FOR YOU GIRL!

I am happy to observe that you are now find yourself open to a promising new relationship. Lord knows the world deserves a WCF who is not hidden, or secret. You escaping this hellfire is really a gift to us all!

Thanks for checking in....from another person who needs to keep connected here...I am glad that you are back and look forward to hearing from you more.

Sending you happy vibes and best wishes in this new year my friend.

peace&light
Foggy
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
In reply to: wcfem
Wed, 01-05-2011 - 3:45pm

Thanks Foggy :)

I'm pleased to see your name change, out of the fog - best place to be! Though 'foggy' still does have a nice ring to it.

Heh, yes, the maw that is the PhD process still consumes me, I've got a (my first, rather!) publication to get done within the month...sooo...that sure takes up quite a bit of my time! I look forward to keeping connected with everyone here more as well, and of course passing on and sharing what I've learned/and continuing to learn from others. Though...I do suppose I should get a bit more work done before the day is out ;)

Thanks again!

----
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
In reply to: wcfem
Wed, 01-05-2011 - 10:32pm
Dear WCF (:

While I benefit from my AMAZING off-board relationship with you, I am SO HAPPY to see you coming back here - and I HOPE that you stick around! There are some single newbies who could really benefit from your AMAZING analytic skills to set themselves straight - especially since he also promised you the moon but couldn't deliver. OMG, I couldn't stand that guy! Douche.

BUT THE NEW ONE ... I heart. I heart him because he seems to be SO GOOD to/for you. From reading your emails to me about your relationship, I've been able to (re)learn what healthy partnership looks like, how celebrated you are, how love becomes an action ... for me, one of the MOST important thing a partner can do is "SHOW UP". Show up literally in your life when you need or ask, and SHOW UP emotionally - be willing to hold tough spaces, conversations. Not look for the exit with every little speed bump, not try and keep you hidden, not slot you into time-slots, not contradict with every action every word that was spoken ... I could go on and on ... ALL THIS TO SAY, please share your wisdom here. Please stay an active part of the community - when you can.

YOU HAVE BEEN MY LIFESAVER, and continue to be my homebase in all of this.

Love you WCF,

xo

TU.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
In reply to: wcfem
Thu, 01-06-2011 - 2:04pm

WCFEM!!!!

So good to hear from you! Wow have 5 months gone by already since you started posting?

I read your post where you were leaving town and you were posting about school. The struggles you have with learning challenges. I wanted to respond but by that time you were long gone on your trip and the post had already rolled back into the GD archives. Now with the new system posts from the same day can end up on the second page.

I wanted to respond way back then and cheer you on in your education. My son has learning challenges (we call them challenges and not disabilities). He’s been involved in a music program at school and plays percussion. Part of his challenge is in processing and fine motor skills. In other words, he has problems getting the info from his head to his hands. Something gets mixed up in the process.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
In reply to: wcfem
Thu, 01-06-2011 - 3:25pm

Thank you everyone!

TU - you know you've been my lifeline just as much as I've been yours. Your help, understanding and love (along with that of everyone else here) has gone miles in helping me along the path that I've been headed down. I know what you mean about sticking around and I will do my absolute best. I know if I told the 'me of a year ago' what would be in store for me, I wouldn't have believed...but, I still think it would have helped. That aside, too true about that other guy. What.A.Joke! Of course, you were a great deal of help there too :) As for 'the new one'...well, I think my big stupid grin gives it away ;) However, just thinking where I was a year ago, 7 months ago, 5 months ago, it is a huge difference. I think the differences and changes in ourselves are reflected in the differences in the relationships and friendships we have and keep. I also really liked what you said about how love becomes an action; and it is, to quote Massive Attac 'love is a doing word'. And that's been something that is like night and day in this situation, it's the actions that I go by now (and do myself), not the words. Though the words are there too, but they re-enforce the actions, they're not stand-alones to try and hold on to.

E1 - so good to hear from you! Thank you for responding :) It's been almost a year since I had first started posting, then I fell off the board/wagon for a bit, but yes - been almost 5 months since my final ending. I can hardly believe it, but in some ways it feels like it's been longer, like a lifetime away. Anyway! Thank you for holding onto that and sharing it with me now, you have no idea how nice it was to hear! I also like that you frame it as 'challenges' instead. I think I should do the same. Today was one of those days where I've been feeling frazzled with school, so this was really nice to read. It's interesting in that it's usually taken as either a) I'm reduced to this status and always will be or b) largely from those who know some of my work/abilities now, that the tests, instructors, whatever must have been lying - that it's just not possible. I don't think that either of these are the way to go and can keep me feeling a bit trapped. I think a middle ground is the way to go; not feeling like I'm reduced to that status or that I can do nothing about it, but also that it is a part of me and there are days where yes - I do struggle. That doesn't mean that I'm dumb or won't make it, but it's useful to aknowledge that some days the struggle is there; that way I can work through it rather than just either ignore/pretend, or feel like it controls me. In a way, I wonder if it's the same for a lot of us post-A and trying to deal with what happened - we can't act as though we are reduced to and by the experience and what we did - that takes away our control and strength; and yet, neither can we just pretend that it never happened - that takes away our accountability as well as the fact that it is with us, has changed us in some way, but we can grow from it as well.

----
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry