Checking in - The Good, Bad and Ugly
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| Fri, 02-12-2010 - 12:27pm |
Hey folks,
It's been a bit and thought I should check in before the weekend starts up and things fade a bit in here.
So, first the bad and 'ugly': Last time I checked (two weeks ago?) I had mentioned that I'd gotten an email (after a few days of NC. He initiated the end, I initiated NC). Anyway, I had replied to said email (as I mentioned) and then within that week (so, last week) we ended up speaking on the phone once, as he said he wanted to explain 'why he did what he did'. And rightly or wrongly, or more to the point probably in a weak moment, I wanted to hear him out. I knew that I didn't want to go back into the A, and that's not what the conversation was about. He said his piece but said he wanted to say more and if I could talk once again this past Monday. I agreed, though told myself in my mind it would be 'the last time'. I busied myself over the weekend so I wasn't 'waiting' (I know that feeling all too well!) and then Monday rolled around and we spoke again, whether it was true or not what he wanted to get across was that he still felt everything he said he did, but 'couldn't love me like this' and that he had a bunch of 'him issues' that he had to get worked on and fixed. Well, ain't that the truth? For me too! That was that then, it's been 4 (or 5? depending on how you count) days of NC. As for how I'm feeling...it isn't nearly as bad as the first go around, I am sad for sure, I miss him...a lot. Perhaps more than I'd like to admit to myself, given everything. But I do. The feelings are still there, some days/moments are better than others. Sometimes there will be a trigger and I'll fall apart for a little bit, but then I pick myself back up. I still feel the loss, the emptiness...but, not quite like before. I feel a bit more 'filled up' this time, not completely hollow. I guess this moves onto the 'good' part of it...
Well, most importantly I know I'm only a few days out, and chances are while it seems 'okay-ish' now, as the days of NC tick by I'll wonder, and miss him more and there will be those really intense and sad feelings as I come to terms with the finality of it all. But, I'm trying not to anticipate and see to far ahead. It is still a moment by moment, day by day thing. I still kick myself in the sense that I think 'I could be three weeks NC right now!', but I'm not. Despite not having been totally NC that time, I wasn't quite in the 'thick of it' so I've had time to reflect and think on how I got to where I was. This could be a bit of a ramble, so stick with me! I think a large part of it was what I was going through/adjusting to when we had met. I changed a rather fundamental part of my identity shortly before we had met and I was still trying to reconcile that 'part of me' with the other things that make me 'me', so I was in a bit of flux. On top of that, and I think I've mentioned this before, a friend of mine said to me not long before xAP and I met 'what are the odds you'll find someone who is 'like you' in X ways?' and I guess that made me feel a bit weird/lonely, so when I 'found' him - first, there were reasons for the connection and I guess I had 'set myself up' for it by being in the mindset of 'what are the odds?!', so when I received the 'I've never met someone like you', I fell hard because I hadn't met someone like him (or me?) either. I don't discount the multiple connections and 'what are the odds?!' that we had. While he was 'right' in so many ways, what we did and that context - was not right at all. And no amount of connection justifies what was done. Another component of this, I think, was...a weird mix of two things. First, 6mo prior to having met, I had ended a very long term relationship. It was good to have ended it, and I needed to...but, I don't think I had really gotten over it all (or even really started to) until I moved (I had stayed in the apt we shared until end of July, moved to a new place and met xAP in August) because still being in that space was not good for me, and I knew that. So, on top of ID shift, I had just moved and was settling in. Throw on top of that a really demanding and stressful period with school. This is where I think I might be able to make connections with my past, as it's more a relationship with myself than with others - my parents have always been lovely, supportive, and I'm really close with all of my siblings. I have a good family/family relationship(s). Anyway, growing up and while in grade school/HS, I was always made to feel 'dumb' (held back a grade, etc) but I ended up hitting my stride in my 2nd-3rd year of University and did really, really well and now I'm a PhD candidate...So, I'm 'smart'...but I don't always feel that way. When I re-read some of my work, which is good, I don't feel as though I actually wrote it. I 'know' that I did...but there is this disconnect where I have trouble fully accepting that I am smart, I do 'deserve' to be here, that I'm not a fake, that I should believe in myself and my abilities. So, one of the many connections we shared was my research interests/field of study. We could talk about it endlessly and he was interested in it, which in turn made me interested in it. It/he was a 'safe space' where I could share ideas and not feel strange/out of my league about it (as I often do with my fellow students because I perceive them as 'so much smarter' than I am. Even though, I understand 'rationally' that probably isn't the case). So in this sense, he was both a safe space as well as a....distraction? Where I could engage with 'what I do', but it was much less scary than actually confronting my work head-on. Because he believed in me, that helped me believe in me. But, I know that's not the way it should be....I have to believe in me, 'because I do', that can't come from anyone else. So, this is the 'good' in the sense that I know where I have to shift my focus and put my efforts. It's been hard, but I'm making progress in that sense. Just the other day in the tutorial class I lead, a bunch of my students were really happy with the subject matter and really engaged with the discussion and learning, and that made me really happy. I really enjoyed it. I've also started to think up a few projects, some conferences that I'd like to present at, etc. There have also been some other non-academic bits of 'progress'...I find that I have 'free time' now to do whatever I'd like to do, read a book, watch a movie, or something...and, it's just that - me time, not just 'passing the time' until the next contact. I can have a nap now if I feel like it, and I don't sleep 'just to pass the time'. In fact....I think I've maybe had two or three naps over the past two weeks or so, and before (say, over the past year or so, actually) I'd been having at least one (sometimes two?!) naps a day. The biggest one though that I can think of, a difference between this go and the first one, is...I don't feel as though there is 'no hope', that there is 'no future'. I know it was silly to think so, but before when I 'looked ahead' all I could see was ...nothing, that there is and would be nothing to look forward to, simply nothing. Just darkness and misery. Logically/rationally, I knew/know that is complete and utter BS! I'm only in my late 20's...I've got my whole life ahead of me! Maybe it will be with someone, maybe it will be with no one...but, I've got lots to do and it's really sad to ever think that there is just 'nothing'. I felt like that a few weeks ago...but now, now I can see things. Yes, there is so much that I thought I would 'share with him', but some of those things I will still do (because I'd always wanted to) and there are other things I'll do, and there is probably a bunch of stuff I can't 'see' or haven't even thought of yet. I think a big thing for me is going to be 'doing' it, and not just thinking of it. I think that 'thinking about things' was safe, because the 'doing' (re: academic work when I felt like a fraud) was scary. But...I'm sure that the fears I have are ones of my own making, and the only way to get beyond them is to do the work. One of the bigger things that I've decided on (and I'm quite happy with) is I'm going to move (again!) this late spring/early summer with a fairly good friend of mine. We'll probably share a house/bottom level of a house and I think this will be good for me in that having someone around, well, less likely to feel 'lonely' and it also helps me get out of 'living in my head' (which I do so often as 'thinking' is my job, it seems!). And, I think it will help make the space I'm living in feel more like 'home', rather than just shelter. Make sense? This is one of my close friends who knows about all of this, and she had actually approached me about the possibility. Last night we went out for a pint to chat about it, and we're both quite looking forward to it! I do like my space, but at the same time...I'm thinking this will be really good for me. So, there is progress, and 'bright spots' even though I have moments and days where I feel as though I'm in a lot of darkness.
Don't get me wrong, I still hurt...really badly. There are some things that I wanted to do that I associated so closely with him that I may never do them, or it will take me quite a bit of time to get there. Yes, I miss him and our connection, conversations, etc and had he been single I'm fairly sure I would have 'held on' and never let go. But, he wasn't and it wasn't right. If I look back to when he had dropped the bomb and think of my initial reaction (all emails, texts, songs pictures deleted in less than an hours time because I knew I'd just pine over them and never move on)I knew it had to be over, that I couldn't continue on in the place that I was. But yes, the feelings (for him) are still there, it's still raw, I still hurt. But, I don't feel 'lost' anymore...I don't feel as though there is no hope. There is hope - for me and working on myself, that's the kind that I can put trust in and work on. There is a lot of work ahead, a lot of hard work, that is for bloody sure! But, it's going somewhere positive and I have a 'say' over that. At the bottom of it all though...I'm in no rush. Oh, I wish I could! Just fly through all of this pain and confusion...but...I can't rush, that won't do me a lick of good. I have to, and I will, move through the pain and the snags and get to where it is I'm going. Also, I can't 'project' and look to far ahead because that just keeps me in 'thinking' mode, rather than 'doing' mode and that's something I struggle with.
Er...so, that was rather long and so forth...so I'll say thanks for reading ;)
((hugs!))

I, in all seriousness, could have written every single word of your post. Reading your post, hearing my voice in your words was one of the most important and valuable gifts I have received in a long time. Right down to the 'imposter' feeling of being a grad student - loving friends and family - the loss of all the academic heroics we were to accomplish together.
And now, like you, the sense of a future without him. I was truly feeling without hope, a future etc ... too. And then I started demanding of myself to work on myself as hard as I had been working on that relationship. I started running - and running hard. Cleaning my house, puzzles with the kids, whatever ... just telling myself in this moment, I was doing okay.
(Gosh, I was napping too and now I push myself to face my life instead of finding ways to escape it)
wcfem, I am right there with you.
j.
Jodie,
I'm not even really sure if I can put into words how your reception and identifying (and appreciating!) my post has made me feel. Funny that, considering it's my job to be wordy ;) Seriously though, I'm glad you took it as you did. I'm touched. And, when I read your reply I got all teary...a mix of happy/sad, because it's nice to know when one is not alone, that you 'get it' - especially the feeling like an impostor. That's a strong feeling and can be overwhelming/crippling at times, and sometimes when something makes us feel less like that - it's easy to latch on.
In turn, you've helped me, given me a gift - the way you put it 'demanding myself to work on myself as hard as I had been working on that relationship'...that is so true! Had I put a tenth of the energy I put into the (non)relationship into myself and my studies...wow. I gave so much...sometimes too much (unsurprisingly), as the GA post was saying - pieces of myself to 'make him whole'. But, no one can do that for another person...much less in these kinds of situations. Anyway, you're right in re-focusing where I/we put that energy and effort - back into ourselves, other personal (and in 'real time) relationships and our work (or, families if we have them). I also really appreciate and 'needed' to hear your take on keeping busy and keeping in mind 'in this moment, I'm doing okay'. Sometimes I think I (or all of us?) get down on ourselves for having a 'down moment', or when we are in one we think it will never lift or go away...but, that's how it is and ignoring that isn't going to help any.
But, I've rambled on again ;) Oh - and no harm in napping! I love a good nap now and again, but reflecting back...yes, I often took naps just to 'pass the time' (and, perhaps I should have also clued into as to why I was just so tired/drained all the time!).
((hugs))
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry