Checking in, starting over
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| Sat, 01-30-2010 - 11:41am |
Hey folks,
Ending was last Sunday, NC (for me) started that night. I had been doing okay/well until yesterday. I had done some cleaning, moved my computer around/to a different spot (since I had spent so much time while on the comp communicating with him and 'sitting in that space', I had to change the space. Which actually has helped quite a bit). I even spoke to my mum about it (she knew bits and pieces over the past 6mo) and she was really helpful. I was still hurting, obviously, but the intensity of the pain was starting to subside and I could focus every now and again, for longer periods of time, on other things. The tightness in my chest and throat were no longer a constant during the day. Then yesterday I got an email from xMM which was, as he put it, 'the letter he should have sent in the first place' outlining why he had to do what he did, how he was sorry that the 'ending' was the way it was, and that the main reason that he had to end things was because 'he couldn't be there for me like he needed and I needed'. (Which, makes it clear that there is no closure in these things. Because that just raises more questions for me than answers them) I don't get it (but then, I accept that, and it's really not the issue here). My 'starting over' comes from the fact that I emailed him back and said 'wish you well'. Why did I do that? Probably because I wanted to. Because I felt like I'd feel guilty not responding to this. Which, I know, is just the fog talking. And, because I was having a weak moment - I admit. Yesterday was a hard day, we were supposed to see each other so that cloud rained over me. Also, when it rains it pours and there was a bunch of financial problems that came up (I'm a grad student and there was a problem getting my stipend to me, which I needed to eat/pay bills and so forth!) So, my 'go to' person...I couldn't (and didn't) go to, but when he 'came to me', I had a weak moment and I replied. I got out of the house as much as I could to go to campus, to see friends, go for a walk (...which is kind of hard when it's -20's with the wind, I will say!) and I'd gotten his email early 'eve, I replied, then busied myself up getting ready since I was going out for dinner/drinks with some friends later on. I had fun, it was a good time. Came home, tried not to think too much, and went to sleep. Today has been rough. Sad, though not as sad as Monday morning of day 1. I'm trying to re-focus, though it's hard. I'm actually going to tell my adviser a bit of what's been going on with me (we have a pretty friendly relationship, and he did ask if I was doing ok. And, to be honest, it has had a large impact on my academics). I'm also going to go to the counseling 'drop in' (they only have drop in, no appointments) on campus on Monday. If they feel it's needed, I'll get refereed to something a little more long-term. Hopefully it will be cheap or free, because I can't afford much!
So, here I am again, back at day 1 of NC. I've done some hurting, but some learning too. So, that's something.
((hugs))

Baby steps is good start, WC. You are thinking outside of the box too, taking responsibility toward your healing. Talking to an advisor is a great idea, and counselor "drop in" is another well thought out plan. I am proud of you. So, you had a slip up and read that email, but you handled it well. A short response at least tells him "I get it, so now leave me alone and let me heal."
The weekends are usually slow around here so I hope you will just continue to read and learn, if you find your thoughts drifting
~Iddy~
It was a good move on my part to tell my adviser, he was really understanding. It's an odd place to be when it comes to grieving and moving through/experiencing the pain, because in a lot of ways it isn't something that can be spoken 'freely' about. It wasn't a legit relationship, so it's not as though you can tell everyone in your life you've had a breakup and they can understand. Regardless of the legitimacy or not, there is still a lot of pain and complex feelings and thoughts that go into it, but not a lot of room for expression. Well, save for this board of course ;)
I suppose I'm lucky in the sense that I have a few good friends that have been there from 'go' so I can talk with them. And, as mentioned, my adviser was understanding about it as well.
The day has been up and down, some moments are really good and others not so much. Got some school stuff to do (but then, I always seem to!). But, like you say - baby steps, one moment at a time (especially now that I'm back at 'day 1' and reeling from that), and that's all I can really do. I can't expect or 'project' too much into the future, that won't do me any good.
I have been reading quite a bit, but sometimes need to take a break from it because it keeps me in the A/xA 'head space'. Make sense?
Thank you again :)
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry