Chilean Bass

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Chilean Bass
6
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 6:15pm
Wow!!! Ending this affair really stinks! I feel horrible. We have been "dating" for just over two years now. He lives far away so I arrange pleasure trips and he business trips. It has been so wonderful yet I know through reading all your posts and those from MarriageBuilders website that it is a fantasy and not real life. My husband is a great fellow. He is just soooo cautious. For example, I bought a wonderful Chilean Bass at the fish store yesterday, cooked it up on the grill very special and he will not eat it because he is afraid that all our fish on the earth are contaminated and he will die an early death if he eats it. I did not know he would not like it - this is a new thing like his injured knees so he cannot do any activities with me anymore. I keep trying to find the positives like - he is not an alcoholic or drug abuser, he does not beat me and he has a job. He is a moral character. Problem is I feel I am unable to be myself because he is so tight and becomming so rigid.

My Other Man is so fun! I do not feel I can trust him from the things he does (mentioned below) but we do have a lot in common and have a great time together - more so then I ever did with my husband even when we were dating. I know I am his only affair but I feel he is the kind of guy who is weak and taken by the moment so if we were to get into a long term relationship he would eventually stray if we were to hit a low however, When the OM and I have our difficulties (I am not saying it is all a bed of roses after two plus years) we are able to work things out (minus children and bills of course). We have spent multiple days at a time together too, too many to count. Our communication is great. We talk every day for hours. Here is what I would like advice on - I want to break it off because I know I am being wrong and I do have a fine life at home where I certainly should be content (I have been married 13 years), yet I find my OM too irresistable. He has mentioned a life together in the future but I am no fool and do not count on those words.

How do you do it??? Gosh, we have gone a whole 4/5 days without communication and I was a basket case. We also have continued plans to meet. Where do I draw the lines and how? What can I do to keep myself strong and alleviate the pain? Anyone have some "horror" stories of being caught or winding up in an unsuccessful second marriage born from an affair so I can be helped to stay away?? I know this OM through my relatives as he is a relative of a non-blood relative. Any advice - I do believe in myself and know I have the power to stop but I need to know if I should stay with my husband who is a dull guy or go out unto my own and discover what is out there. I think if my marriage was stronger this would be easier - yes??? What are all of your thoughts.

The other thing is that my OM has mentioned on numerous occassions that he would move toward me, get a divorce then we could be together and raise our children. I told him "no way! That is too immoral to do to your wife - how unfair and mean to move she and the children with you so you could leave!" Yet, I feel in a way, that I desire that. I do not think it could be possible and how could I want to be with such a creep!? He even has snuck out of his house aftyer his wife has gone to bed to see me. I did not know he did that until after our arrived. How can I be so ennamoured with such a jerk!?

Other experiences of yours would be greatly appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 7:48pm
Believe

Hi I am not going to give you any personal expirences at this point in time just FACTS provided by unbiased researchers

1)when affair couples get together in open relations MORE then 95 percent fail in the first year as in end, that number climbs to something like 97 percent over time.

2)when affair couples marry over 80 percent of the marriages end in divorce.

3)marriages that have affairs in them have something like a 70 plud percent ratio of ending in divorce

4)the large majority (no figure here sorry) were a husbands learns his wife is a cheater during the affair will head to divorce court and will not consider MC or any other attempt to save the marriage.

5)Most of the promises given by cheating married men during an affair to the woman will NEVER HAPPEN, in fact only about 5 percent of cheating men will ever leave there wife unless she kicks them out.

6)If the affair discovered the cheating married man will blame it all on the other woman if at all possible, they will recant everything they told you they never really loved you you are not special....they will do just about anything to save there marriage and you and yours can go to h*ll.

What you do about your marriage is up to you but do not be so sure that the grass is greener some were else, and the older a woman gets the less men are interested clipping he bushes let alone buying them.

Best of luck

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2004
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 8:17pm
I guess I'm one of your horror stories!

I am married to my first A (and just ended a second A). in retrospect, I married the first, we probably both did, to avoid the pain of NC and to legitimate what we had done. At the time, it felt like we were soooo compatible. All of those good chemicals flowing between us ... sex was great, we talked, we did little trips together. I thought that all I needed in my life was a new marriage.

Now, 10 years later, I'm suffering and find myself in another A. After years of counseling, I've realized (too late) why I married my H and that there wasn't enough there to form a basis for a solid marriage. But when you're in the midst of an A, judgment is so very clouded...it's hard to realize until you're far beyond what really underlay your step into the A or what really is there between you and your OM.

Marriage with the OM who is now my H is nothing like I fantasized when I was in the A...nothing, at all. When I was in the A, there was a lot of misleading (or perhaps putting our best foot forward) that veiled who we really were; I'm sure I'm guilty too. And since it's really not a normal relationship, there's no way to "check" the story through open, day to day living. I lived in a distorted reality, and decided to act on that reality. Many suffered...my children, his children, our Xspouses, our friends. If I could go back now, I would. I have deep regret both for what I did to others and what I now perceive to be a huge mistake.

So, this time, at least I had the presence of mind to realize the A wasn't about this perfect OM. It was about me and my H and what was missing. And now I'm shedding the A to see what really is and is not fixable in my marriage. But I really won't trust my own judgment until the A is purged (as much as it can be) and I've made an honest and focused effort with my H. I also noticed that being in the A gave the "need to decide" a sense of urgency; that urgency is softer now that I'm removing myself from the A and I'll have time to take a rational look at my life.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 8:24am
Thank you both for your replys. I know I need to take the next step to end the A and save my marriage as my husband is a keeper - it is I who am the messed up one. Guess what? I warmed up the Chilean Bass the next evening with our dinner and my H actually had a small piece! I know there is hope. I wish I had the strength to end it with OM. I can't imagine he will ever leave his wife and I know he believes what he tells me is true in his heart (at that moment) but he never seems to follow through on any of his "ideas" that will actually bring us closer together for a permanent and open relationship. Gulp- now I need to begin "the ending" and stop making plans, talking every day, opening up my heart to him and all that. Yuck! But knowing your story and those figures does give me definite motivation to do so.

On a sad note, for myself, my therapist told me she will not council me anymore through this A and she will not council me again until I end it. She says I talk as if I want to end it but never do so since there is this intense divide in myself I have stagnated myself to personal growth. I spoke with my H concerning marriage counseling or even divorce. My husband said he would not go to marriage counseling because we did it in the past and it did not work to our benefit in the long term. I disagree with him and told him so yet, I know in myself that marriage counseling will not work until I muster the strength and integrity to end the A.

I read other posts that suggest strategies to end it like other addictions - snapping rubber bands on your wrist, giving the thought a two minute pass time and breathe through it, etc. The hard part is that I still feel like we would make a great, great couple.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 11:54am
Great post Sore. When you are in the midst of the A logic just doesn't win out; emotion does. I've done the draw the line down the middle of the paper, and list the "positives" and "negatives" of starting a new life with the OW, and the negatives far outweigh the positives, and yet I still hunger for her. My question to you, Sore, is how long was the new marriage good before things went sour? Also, when problems arose, what triggered them? Thanks--I get a lot out of your posts.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2004
Sat, 09-04-2004 - 9:47pm
Your message is very sweet...thank you...felt and appreciated.

My marriage was never good. I was very unhealthy emotionally when I entered the affair. (My history is one of sexual and physical abuse.) I married him, as I said, because it was so difficult to contemplate NC and because it validated me and my choice (failure) in some way. He's not a bad guy, just not good for me. He pushes the wrong buttons constantly, our situation is not conducive to me getting needs met and he's incapable of intimacy...still. But I'm an eternal believer that I can fix anything, and so for years I've "fixed" my heart out, with but a few results. I found things to hold on to -- we like to ski together, sex was good until a few months before the A, and we like to travel together. But he doesn't know how to talk to me, he's defensive and angry and I just never feel like he gets me. (Funny thing, during the A I thought that he SO got me...amazing how those A chemicals can fool you!)

How did things get bad enough to push me over the edge? Months before the A happened...at a time when an A wasn't even a thought in my head...I kept telling him how lonely I am. He's never here, and he doesn't engage with me. I repeated it, I cried sometimes and most times I wasn't angry. At one point he even said that he recognized that if he didn't solve it, someone else would. (At the time, I thought that was a mere theoretical possibility.) A couple of months later, my XMM asked me out for dinner; we'd known each other for almost four years and done projects together. I was foolish enough to think it was a business dinner, but he then began to tell me that he was interested in me. I was flattered and, believe it or not, STILL didn't think a thing. But then things turned worse with my H. He has a stepdaughter who is the only girl in his life (their relationship has been the primary problem in our relationship from the start). She told him that she didn't want to see him anymore (she was having the same problems with him that I have). He went into a funk..an angry, withdrawn mode for weeks. I couldn't bear to have sex with him anymore. Then, one week when I went to my XMM's location to work together, we had dinner, "hugged" goodbye, and that was it...the attention, the affection, the listening, the long, long conversations were just what I was missing.

But...my big failure...which I know clearly, is that these As are just a diversion from our true problems. Perhaps they come at a time when we just can't face or deal with our real problems quite yet. In this case, it has heightened my awareness of the problem and it's nature, and it has put me in a place to be ready to face it...to one end or another.

Phew...thank you for asking, and sorry if I dumped too much. It really felt great, and I hope it helps in some way to move things along for you!

XXOO

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Sun, 09-05-2004 - 4:28pm
Thanks for sharing your story - it really helps to hear that marrying the A person is not necessarily the blissful situation we envision it to be. I think you are right that during the A we put our best foot forward. Living with someone on a daily basis certainly is different then dating or having secret meetings.