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Choices
| Mon, 11-15-2004 - 7:51pm |
After another miserable weekend with my H - fighting again - we decided to talk when we got home tonight. He gave me three options: get a divorce, quit smoking or stay married & smoke & he'll continue to show me no affection/be mean. My therapist believes he is hiding behind the smoking issue instead of dealing w/my A. I truly believe that too. He has said he forgives me about the A, but I really don't believe it. I am very unhappy (not just about the choices), but in general. He absolutely refuses to go to any form of therapy and says he doesn't need it. He then followed it up with a rather cruel comment about me going to therapy. I would appreciate any advice. Thanks.

Advice, Quit smoking for your health sake, STOP chasing your husband trying to fix things, pull back and if you have to move out to some nautral location such as you parents a sister or a girlfriend that your "HUSBAND" trusts will not shelter you if you continue having an affair.
Let him consider his attitudes with out you there, let him feel what it will be like if he does not face up to and deal with the issues HIS as well as YOURS.
I know this is both hard and dangrous but I have seen it work, but it pretty much is up to you as you get to live with the consequences of trying it.
Good luck
Free
Hey Blue. His ultimatum makes no sense. Smoking/Divorce???? That's pretty extreme, don't you think? He must be using the smoking as a less hurtful reason to bash you. I think it unlikely that men's egos can handle the idea that another man might have "turned you on" more than your H could. He probably has acceptance issues with the A. I know my H does. Sometimes he'll ask me something about XMM thinking he might want to know to get some insight into what I was thinking, and then he'll quickly say "nevermind, I don't want to know."
One thing, honey. He's clearly got some issues to work out. Giving you an option to stay married but keep smoking and he'll be mean or apathetic is just crazy and wrong. Don't put yourself in these circumstances. It's a bad decision (I know, I smoke as well) but smoking isn't a justification to treat someone badly. Don't let him treat you poorly because you smoke.
Listen to Free. Maybe you need to remove yourself from the situation and let him get some clarity. And maybe you could think about quitting FOR YOU, not to save this marriage. I'm down to 6-8 cigs a day. My T says next step is cold turkey. Want to pick a target date with me????? Love, Mo.