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|Sun, 12-30-2012 - 4:01pm|
It is New Years Eve day over here in Australia and I am so looking forward to the new year. This year started off hard for me as January is my trigger month and I was six months out at the beginning of this year. But things are so different now as the new year dawns ahead. The two words that stand out for me is Choice and Hope.
One of the biggest lessons I learned through coming out of my affair was the realisation that feelings don't have to lead me. Every time we give into our feelings we are making a choice. When xap fished six weeks ago I will be honest and say that the temptation to contact him were at times overwhelming. So many times I wanted to dial his number (which unfortunately is branded on my brain), I wanted to hear his voice but I put the phone down and I walked away. Because I knew at the end of the day the choice came down to this, a momentary fix of the pain I was going through versus the massive amount of pain that would follow if I listened to my feelings. In some ways my choices were made easy by the fact that I have had a Dday as I know my husband will not go through this again and I will not get a second chance but ultimately my choices were for me. Because through the dark clouds that hovered overhead there were also many, many moments of beautiful sunshine that broke its way through. My marriage which is so healthy and so intimate (not just physically), my amazing children who have battled their own emotions and thoughts over my actions, the wonderful friendships on here who I value just as much as the ones physically present in my life and ultimately the incredible sense of peace and contentment I have found within me.
After my xap fished and I found myself reliving the ending of the A again, I quickly found the addictive feelings of holding on to the A were there ready to feed my thoughts and keep me back at the place I really deep down didn't want to be. But then two weeks ago my son who had been acting very distant towards me texted me one word as my husband and I were on our way to my work function. It was my xap's name. I knew we had to go back. As soon as he saw me walk in he broke down. It seems he had come across some journal writings when he was looking for something. Of all the journal writings he could have found, they were the worst. I was horrified as I thought I had gotten rid of all of that stuff. My son knew that I had had an A but he hadn't realised how far it had gone. My heart broke as he sat there and asked me question after question. He was angry and sad and didn't understand how I could have hurt his Dad so much. It is hard to feel the victim when the true victims of your choices are sitting right in front of you trying to come to terms with your deliberate actions. It was in that moment I realised that I had no right to continue to hold on to any part of the affair and the self pity that had crept up due to my xap's fishing was cut off and the strength that I had mustered over the past twelve months came to the forefront and I made the deliberate choice of letting go and it hasn't been easy. I do have days where I feel stuck but on the really bad days, I keep myself busy and I don't sit in it for long. I draw on my network of friends who know what I am feeling and I talk it out. And then I let go.
We can get so stuck in the memories of our A's and the feelings they produce in us, that we can be blinded to the truth of what they are. Replaying conversations and moments of the A's in our heads is not going forward. Being NC isn't and can't be about just not giving into temptation to contact, it needs to be more. And yes, it hurts and it is scary to let go because letting go means just that and when you want to snatch it back and hold onto any little part of it, even if that is only through living with the bittersweet emotions of what we can't have, we think well that is good enough and that is all I can do right now. But there is so much more when we truly let go. When we say, 'Enough, I choose peace, contentment, happiness. I choose me'. When we get to that point and really believe that we are worth so much more, then letting go doesn't seem to be as hard. No contact becomes a blessing and not a hurdle that has to be jumped every hour and every day.
I have so much hope for this year. And I don't know what is ahead of us but I know that my actions are defined by my thoughts and my thoughts are defined by what I choose to think and believe. We all will have new hopes for 2013 because hey, that's what we do at new year. But thankfully we have something, a day in our life where we do get to make a new resolution and even though it may not bring about everything we hope for, we at least have to have hope to move forward. After hope comes choices and choices are the things that we can control.
I wish everyone a Happy New year and the beginning of new choices, healthier choices where you choose to take back your power and move forward.