Choices

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2011
Choices
22
Sun, 12-30-2012 - 4:01pm

It is New Years Eve day over here in Australia and I am so looking forward to the new year. This year started off hard for me as January is my trigger month and I was six months out at the beginning of this year. But things are so different now as the new year dawns ahead. The two words that stand out for me is Choice and Hope.

One of the biggest lessons I learned through coming out of my affair was the realisation that feelings don't have to lead me. Every time we give into our feelings we are making a choice. When xap fished six weeks ago I will be honest and say that the temptation to contact him were at times overwhelming. So many times I wanted to dial his number (which unfortunately is branded on my brain), I wanted to hear his voice but I put the phone down and I walked away. Because I knew at the end of the day the choice came down to this, a momentary fix of the pain I was going through versus the massive amount of pain that would follow if I listened to my feelings. In some ways my choices were made easy by the fact that I have had a Dday as I know my husband will not go through this again and I will not get a second chance but ultimately my choices were for me. Because through the dark clouds that hovered overhead there were also many, many moments of beautiful sunshine that broke its way through. My marriage which is so healthy and so intimate (not just physically), my amazing children who have battled their own emotions and thoughts over my actions, the wonderful friendships on here who I value just as much as the ones physically present in my life and ultimately the incredible sense of peace and contentment I have found within me.

After my xap fished and I found myself reliving the ending of the A again, I quickly found the addictive feelings of holding on to the A were there ready to feed my thoughts and keep me back at the place I really deep down didn't want to be. But then two weeks ago my son who had been acting very distant towards me texted me one word as my husband and I were on our way to my work function. It was my xap's name. I knew we had to go back. As soon as he saw me walk in he broke down. It seems he had come across some journal writings when he was looking for something. Of all the journal writings he could have found, they were the worst. I was horrified as I thought I had gotten rid of all of that stuff. My son knew that I had had an A but he hadn't realised how far it had gone. My heart broke as he sat there and asked me question after question. He was angry and sad and didn't understand how I could have hurt his Dad so much. It is hard to feel the victim when the true victims of your choices are sitting right in front of you trying to come to terms with your deliberate actions. It was in that moment I realised that I had no right to continue to hold on to any part of the affair and the self pity that had crept up due to my xap's fishing was cut off and the strength that I had mustered over the past twelve months came to the forefront and I made the deliberate choice of letting go  and it hasn't been easy. I do have days where I feel stuck but on the really bad days, I keep myself busy and I don't sit in it for long. I draw on my network of friends who know what I am feeling and I talk it out. And then I let go.

We can get so stuck in the memories of our A's and the feelings they produce in us, that we can be blinded to the truth of what they are. Replaying conversations and moments of the A's in our heads is not going forward. Being NC isn't and can't be about just not giving into temptation to contact, it needs to be more. And yes, it hurts and it is scary to let go because letting go means just that and when you want to snatch it back and hold onto any little part of it, even if that is only through living with the bittersweet emotions of what we can't have, we think well that is good enough and that is all I can do right now. But there is so much more when we truly let go. When we say, 'Enough, I choose peace, contentment, happiness. I choose me'. When we get to that point and really believe that we are worth so much more, then letting go doesn't seem to be as hard. No contact becomes a blessing and not a hurdle that has to be jumped every hour and every day.

I have so much hope for this year. And I don't know what is ahead of us but I know that my actions are defined by my thoughts and my thoughts are defined by what I choose to think and believe. We all will have new hopes for 2013 because hey, that's what we do at new year. But thankfully we have something, a day in our life where we do get to make a new resolution and even though it may not bring about everything we hope for, we at least have to have hope to move forward. After hope comes choices and choices are the things that we can control.

I wish everyone a Happy New year and the beginning of new choices, healthier choices where you choose to take back your power and move forward.

(((HUGS)))

RTMO

The core of who you are is not always obvious to everyone. But to believe what others may believe of you can cause you to deny yourself, the wonders, of who you really are.

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Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
In reply to: readytomoveon
Sun, 12-30-2012 - 8:00pm

You wrote this three hours ago; and if I had not scrolled down, I would have totally missed it.  Back to f'd-upness with ivillage...a problem that was, I thought resolved...back again.  And the worse glitch in my opinion...because to miss a poignant and powerful post such as this, or a post from a newbie reaching out for support...well, I am drawing closer and closer to my own cliff.

I'm sorry your son had to come across this journal.  Just when we think we've covered all our tracks....

I can't image how difficult it was for you to sit across from him and hear his pain, but you did a great job helping me feel it...my heart is heavy as I cry for him...for you.  The stark reality of it all...the pain we cause other...the pain we cause ourselves.

I hope others can learn from your experience.  

It does my heart good, though, to hear that you are hopeful for this coming new year and that you choose you to gain peace and contentment.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
In reply to: readytomoveon
Sun, 12-30-2012 - 8:47pm

Sorry for your glitch and the fallout that came with it.  It never is smooth.

You are so right.  It is about choices.  Making the right choice.

These pages are filled with wrong choices.  Made even after we know better. 

There is hope. And there is correct choices. 

Hope that we all take advantage of such in the next and New Year.

You are doing well. My best to you and your family.

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
In reply to: readytomoveon
Mon, 12-31-2012 - 11:58am

Hi RTMO, Happy New Year and thanks for such a thoughtful, insightful post, though I am sorry for the painful elements that gave it substance. What helped me in particular was to read that NC isn't enough, if we are to move on. I know this, yet fight it. I am 8 months NC, have eased up some on the A thougts, but still diddle along with xAP in and out of my head. Yes it was a long A, 12 yrs, but I think the size of the splinter doesn't always excuse how long it takes to get rid of it!

I will reflect on making better choices beginning today - as I really do want to see myself in the light again, not just the in receding shadows of the A. Like you, I have such hope for the new year.

~Hugs, Daisy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
In reply to: readytomoveon
Tue, 01-01-2013 - 6:26am

Hi RTMO

This is a wonderful post. every word rings true. I'm so glad the choices you are making are the right ones - not only that they show the true love you have for your family and finally YOURSELF.

Much Love WGO

Every recovery is a kind of rebirth
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2011
In reply to: readytomoveon
Wed, 01-02-2013 - 12:40pm

RTMO,

Thank you so much for writing this. I'm glad you're out there. Happy new year.

--Bird

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
In reply to: readytomoveon
Wed, 01-02-2013 - 4:11pm

Hi RTMO,

Your post is amazing.  And SO timely.  THANK YOU for being here and sharing.

I am almost 3 months out since I sent the final email.  He fished.  On 12/19; sent me an e-mail via my work e-mail.  Reminiscing, wishing me a merry Christmas, etc.  I did not respond.

My holidays were very rough.  Family issues, my H lost his job, etc.  And XAP (successfully) got back in my head by sending that email.  And, I don’t mean to make him sound like the sole bad guy in all this mess, but he is very calculating and VERY manipulative.

I can relate to what you said:  After my xap fished and I found myself reliving the ending of the A again, I quickly found the addictive feelings of holding on to the A were there ready to feed my thoughts and keep me back at the place I really deep down didn't want to be.”

I think that’s exactly what happened to me.

On top of his recent fishing attempt, he posted lots about his wonderful birthday (two days ago) and being with his W on his birthday, etc.  He has never done that before.  Did he want me to see that?  To upset me?  Well, it did.  Big time.  He has become quite the busy beaver on facebook in the last few months.

I can’t continue to look; it’s as bad as still being in the A.  My three-month mark since sending the final email is in two days.  I don’t feel that I’ve really been out of the A for almost three months.  The stalking keeps one in the A, I am convinced of that.

So, Clarity, if you’re reading, please don’t recognize me on Jan. 4 as being 3-months out.  I feel more in it today since seeing his recent facebook posts than I have in months.  Because I chose to go there, to look. 

I want things to be different, way deep down in my soul, next year at this time.  Birdsong mentioned in her reply to the post regarding Point of Return that she feels so different this year.  I long to feel that.

There is still lots of A residue in my life in the form of this stalking.   I have burned all momentos, all journals, am in T, my H knows of the A and I have not seen or talked to XAP in over four months.  I quit the yoga studio, have changed where I park at work (it’s a big campus) and avoid all places that I might see him or where he has stalked me before.  But it is as real and fresh in my head today as ever.

This is going to take a long, long time.  And I have to continue this NC thing until I truly WANT NC.  Right now, I’m just doing it as a protective mechanism to keep me safe from my ego.

And, as a result of my misery and reading your post, I made a decision. I de-activated my facebook. 

Thank you again for your inspirational post.  And for inspiring me to take back my power and get off facebook.

~Sunrise

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2011
In reply to: birdsong55
Wed, 01-02-2013 - 4:19pm

Hey Sunrise,

I was lucky. My xAP never fished, and he doesn't have a FB account. Otherwise, things would have been even harder than they were. I guess he did me a favor, that way, though it didn't feel so at the time. Staying off FB is a really good idea. So is keeping a journal--you might try that.

Pulling for you, Sunrise. You know I am!

--Bird

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2011
In reply to: readytomoveon
Wed, 01-02-2013 - 6:42pm

Sunrise,

I am sorry your xap fished. Until I was on the recieving end I didn't really imagine that it could set me back like it did.

FB - The world of surface living. I love FB. I love seeing what is going on in the lives of those I love but I also have learned to take it with a pinch of salt. FB can be the perfect example of what happens in Affair land. We only see a glimpse. We see the photo's that are approved as share worthy, we see the fun stuff, sometimes the dramatic stuff, status's carefully constructed (well in a lot of cases) so that the mundane becomes a story worth reading and among all that, it is rare that unless we really know the people posting, we see more then a glimpse of real life.

Your Xap may very well be doing a 'look at me, see I am living without you', but you know better. There is no  way he has gotten his stuff together after three months anymore than you have and that's okay. The 'it doesn't  matter' saying we have around here is a good one but when we are in the midst of it, it does matter. So it is getting to a place where you can say it and mean it. And that means taking steps so that you are not having to be fed the fantasy anymore. Most of us here have probably become experts at being Cyber Curious but what is the point really? I learned through being Cyber Curious that my xap was on sex sites. He posted that he was shy - pfft, shy my a**! Once again it was all one big lie that he presented to.......well I have no idea who.

What I am saying Sunrise (in a long winded way), is the only reality we can trust in, is our own and even that is lies we are telling ourselves sometimes. The reality is this, you are a hurting woman who deserves to feel at peace and deactivating your FB is such a fantastic step to finding that peace. It wouldn't seem a big step to those who don't understand but it truly is and every step forward is a step towards a reality of truth and peace, so big (((HUGS))) that you are seeing what is needed to, to be able to let go. I hope this time next year, all the newbies and tweeners will look back and be so very grateful that they stayed NC. There is nothing like the feeling of coming through something like this and really knowing what it means to have happiness that is real and not manufactured through the validation of an Affair.

Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

To everyone else that posted - A big hello, I love that this board is full of strangers who see us at our worse and cheer us on despite it. Strangers don't stay strangers for long when we understand the actions and see the worth of the people who post. I am so very grateful for this board and resolve to check in more this year (despite how hard it sometimes is).

The core of who you are is not always obvious to everyone. But to believe what others may believe of you can cause you to deny yourself, the wonders, of who you really are.
Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
In reply to: wClarity
Wed, 01-02-2013 - 8:39pm

Okay Sunrise Honey.  You let me know your new NC date.

I'm proud of you for deactivating the FB.  We don't want to see you hurt anymore, and now you can start your healing journey.  

Please stay close to the Board...I'd like to see you participating as much as you can.  You need us...we need you. 

This is going to be a better year for you, Sunrise...I just know it.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2011
In reply to: readytomoveon
Thu, 01-03-2013 - 12:01am

Hello RTMO and everyone else.  

It has been a while since I posted.  So much of what you and the others wrote resonated with me tonight. I want peace, contentment and to be able to truly let go.  I have had a lot of drama in the past year XAP's children.  I have not made any attempts to contact or speak to any of them, however, am still having problems with their mother still wanting to be my friend.  They even get upset that I have maintained friendships with some mutual friends only having seen them twice last year.  When we made plans for lunch recently and I found out at the last minute XAP's wife was coming, I made an excuse not to go, only to get a text message from XAP saying kids were crazy and to stay away from her.  I didn't go to another Christmas party to avoid being around her.   Am I wrong to think they have no right to control my relationship with other friends?  Why would I still think about XAP when I am now convinced that is a total spineless jerk that he won't tell his kids to mind their own business instead of indulging their harrassment and bullying.   He knows I am not contacting her.  At one point he said they were going to come to my office and tell me off and I told him to let them.  Maybe if they get if off their chest they will leave me alone.  There is no contact between XAP and me; just his cryptic messages to stay away from his wife and that his kids are livid.  

My children also read my posts on this sight last summer which is why I left for a while.  It was devastating.  They also had a lot of questions as well.  I am trying to not think about that as much as I do but it is hard to shut everything off.  I am also guilty of feeling like the victim when I know I am not.   I truly want to let go and be free but I don't know how.  

Sorry if I sound like Debra Downer tonight, but I am feeling pretty down.  I would give anything to feel better; to feel free; and be happy.  Thanks for letting me vent.   

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