Choices

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Choices
26
Thu, 12-30-2010 - 10:29am
Hi everyone,

I hope everyone had a enjoyable and peaceful holiday season:). Today marks the second anniversary of my xH's death. He took his own life and I have struggled for the better part of these two years in my part of his death. I understand that no one is to blame for his choice, I will admit that guilt still lingers for me that he made that choice. I have been doing alot of thinking of how I was going to handle this day and every other day that follows. I am ready to forgive myself, I will celebrate what we accomplished together, two great kids and I am going to write him a letter rembering our life together. The good, the bad, the pains and joys we experienced together. I am going to thank him for the second chance I have at living a healthy life and to simply tell him that I loved him and will always have love in my heart for him. 2011 will be a good year in further growth<3
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2010
In reply to: jen36jen
Thu, 12-30-2010 - 7:46pm

Hugs Jen...your post made me smile through my tears.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
In reply to: jen36jen
Thu, 12-30-2010 - 8:01pm
Thank you TU, I agree that suicide is a complicated grief, one I never imagined and finding myself within the grief has been an incredible battle. I feel more focused and real at this point than I have in a long while. Being happy and forgiving myself will benefit myself and my beautiful kids. Happy New Years:)
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2010
In reply to: jen36jen
Thu, 12-30-2010 - 8:22pm

Jen, I just cannot imagine. How strong you are. I hope you see that strength and it empowers you whenever you struggle.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
In reply to: jen36jen
Thu, 12-30-2010 - 8:55pm
Thank you Myrasfriend, yes I agree his coping skills were not the best, same with mine as well. I do have the opportunity to change my coping skills which I am working on. I will take this chance to become healthier and happier:) Happy New Years!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
In reply to: jen36jen
Thu, 12-30-2010 - 9:09pm
God Bless you, Jen. May 2011 be your best year yet, honey. I understand the pain, the unanswered questions, the self doubts of wondering if you could have done something to help them, the if onlys and what ifs that run through your mind, the survivor's guilt that takes hold sometimes, and all the other stuff associated with such a traumatic loss. If you haven't read my post under the single OW section, read it now. It's very important that you take good care of yourself, and watch out for any signs that your health may be in jeopardy. I didn't heed the changes within myself as I should have, and I paid a price for it.

Good for you in turning this painful memory into something positive. You sound like an amazing lady.

Love and hugs,
Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
In reply to: jen36jen
Thu, 12-30-2010 - 9:11pm

Jen,

I can't imagine what you must be beeling right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
In reply to: jen36jen
Thu, 12-30-2010 - 9:37pm
Thank you wishes, you have all made this day that much easier with your kind and compassionate words:) Happy New Years!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
In reply to: jen36jen
Thu, 12-30-2010 - 9:45pm
Thank you cait, I feel in a much better place from where I was a year ago. My kids mean the world to me and me being in a better place will help them as well. To show them strenght will give them strenght to move forward as well:) Happy New Years!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
In reply to: jen36jen
Thu, 12-30-2010 - 9:46pm

Jen,

You really put things in perspective for me. I have had a rough couple of months...years if you include the M I was in. I had the death of my dad and my best childhood friend.

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
In reply to: jen36jen
Thu, 12-30-2010 - 10:50pm
Thank you iddy, my thoughts and prayers are with you as well. My heart hurts for all who experiences this grief and loss. Everything you brought up in your post is everything my kids and I have gone through, I feel stronger to be able to guide my kids throgh their questions this anniversary. We just got back from the gravesite where we shared some stories, it felt good to come together as a family and share some good memories. Laughter and tears will see us all through
our pain. Iddy I will heed your advice, i am not as
strong physically as I once was and must obey the
signs my body is giving me. Happy New Year Iddy,
you have been an amazing inspiration to me as well
as everyone I have had the pleasure of meeting
here:)