cl-noregretsever or any man's opinion

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
cl-noregretsever or any man's opinion
5
Thu, 12-02-2004 - 12:37pm

Needing a man's point of view. I had an A for 9 months with my XMM. We talked about how we would be happier with each other and we loved each other. WE said we have never been like this with anyone before. Same old crap everyone goes through. We planned out everything on how we were going to live and how we were going to make the break fro our spouses. That is all we talked about for the last two months of our R. I told him we need to do something by end of August. I told him he had to make the break first bc he had more at stake than I did. I promised him I would after he did it. Well August came and he got in a huge fight with wife. I thought that he was going to do it and was doing things to prepare himself to do it. Well he went in there and just couldn't do it. He said he just didn't have the b@lls to rip her heart out like that. If only she would do something to piss him off he always told me. I told him that I had to go on with my life bc my h was wanting another child veery soon and it was ripping my heart out to go on like this. He begged to not give up on him and to give him some more time to figure out how he was going to do this. I told him I would and we talked about one more week and then I broke it off with him. I told him I didn't want to do this anymore and I was going to be with my H. He got pissed and told me I would never be happy and I was making a mistake - then he hung up on me. I called back the next day and asked if this was how we were going to end things and he said no that he was going to call me and he would call me back. I waited for that call and then after Labor Day I called him. He said he was pissed and that he kept playing over in his head all weekend that I told him not to call me anymore and I was moving on.

Eventhough I called him back the next day - why would he still feel like I didn't want to talk to him?

Well after that we began talking again alittle and then a few days later I asked why he was doing this with me. Again here I go bringing up this mess again. He was not calling me everyday like he was before I broke it off with him. WHY? He told me again to not give up and begged me not to get pregnant with H. and there was something worth holding on to. I beieved him and he said he would call me back. Well two days went by and so I called him back. We talked again about this and he wanted to meet in person to discuss what we were going to do. I asked him why we couldn't just talk on the phone and we kinda got into it. He said he would call me back. A couple hours later he called back and asked if I was still planning to go out tommmorrow so we could met and talk and I told him not to worry about it. So we talked on the phone. I told him I was being selfish about him leaving his wife when I had no thoughts of leaving my h. He kinda got upset and made a comment that I promised him I would. He said that is why he always wanted me do break things off with my h first and then he would. I told him he needs to be with his wife and his kids need him. I also told him that I really didn't think we would have gotten along anyway. He didn't agree with anything I was saying. I told him I wanted another baby with h. He asked if he could still call me sometime and I basically said why and that its not that I don't want to talk to him but.... He told I am on his mind all the time and there is no way I can think about him more than he thinks about me. I told him then that I was having a hard time with this bc we were breaking up just bc we had to not bc we wanted to. He said he was having a hard time too and he more than me didn't want it to end. He said we needed to talk some more and asked if he could call me the next day. I waited for that call all day - he never called so I called him. He blew up at me and told me that he couldn't win with me and he was not going to interfere with me and my h anymore. I told him that I wanted to be with him and he knew that and he blew up and said that I knew where he stands and he couldn't do it right now and I keep ging him the 3rd degree. Where did that come from? I told him I never wanted to talk to him again and I hung up on him. He has a bad temper but I knew he was really stressed from work too.

I waited a week and called him back. He was very nice and kept trying to make conversation. I just told him I called to make sure there were no hard feeling and he said no that he could never hate me and thought about me all weekend. I did not say it back and told him to take care and I hope everything works our for them and then I hung up. I felt good bc it looked like this is what I wanted. He always had to be the one to get off the phone with me but I got off the phone with him and didn;t try to talk about anything between us. Well three days later - i thought I acted too quickly and Icalled him back. He asked to call me back and I asked him why he was being so ugly which he really wasn't and he responded with "I don't know" he said he needed to go and would call me back and I said "whatever" and hung up on him.

How could he be so cold that last conversation? Did I look like I was crawling back to him. We had been through alot together and had been pretty serious with each. How could he just brush me off like that.? The last time I ended things he had the impression that I didn't want him calling me anymore and I had called after that even. I don't know what to think about what he thought of the whole ending thing. Did he break it off with me? I will never know. Just a man's view - what did it look like to you?

He did find out a week after that happended that he was expecting his fourth child. They were not happy and I know for a fact that he did not want anymore children. His wife even told me that. All he ever talked about was going to get his surgery and so I know he is having a tought time accepting his life turn.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 10:53pm

I'm out of town until Sunday. I'll answer on Sunday


cl-nre

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 12-04-2004 - 4:19pm
Girl, he's expecting a baby with his wife which means he has been sleeping with her. How bad a marriage could they have if that is the case? And honestly, why were you sleeping with a man that was still doing his wife? I just don't understand that, no offense. I am not a man and I know that you wanted a man's opinion so I'll just shut up and go away now. But it really looks like he has enough on his plate with his family right now, and him leaving them to be with you looks like a prospect that is up there with the chances of a meteor hitting your car.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 3:55pm

Mere, I think you have your answers in front of you....xMM is having another baby with his wife. ASsuming it's his child, that means he's being rather friendly with his wife. Doesn't sound to me like a guy who's leaving a marriage anytime soon, regardless of what lies are coming out of his viterpative mouth. It's child # FOUR!!!! Do you REALLY believe him about leaving the wife? Hello!!! Earth to Mere!!!


If you have any feelings remaining with/for your husband, I suggest you patch things up and move on. If you don't, then leave your marriage. Without MM. Leave because the marriage is irreparable. Not for a "maybe".


And by all means, don't listen to your xMM's whining about not having a child with your husband. Talk about total insensitive arrogance. WHere does MM get off getting his wife pregnant and begging you to not do so with your husband? Puh-lease. Enough already.


Lastly, about the calling back and forth: Give it up. NOW. The affair is over. MM is having a baby with his wife. He's not leaving her anytime soon, if at all. Reality check. Stop calling. It doesn't matter who called when or who is mad at whom for not calling. Affair is history. Stop calling.


Are you going to a counselor? I urge you to do so and get moving forward on your life.


If it's in the cards

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 5:33pm

I know that it is over. It has been over since mid September. I accepted that the day I found out they were pregnant. They found out a week after we broke things off. I talked to his wife. She was on the pill and going in to get her tubes tied when her doctor told her. So it was not planned. It doesn't matter anymore about that. I just wanted a males opinion on what is looked like at the end. I told him I had to go on with my husband and he needs to be with his wife. After saying that I called him afterwards. I hate that I called him back after I was so strong to suggest that we end it. I was asking you that with this being the third time I tried to end it - do you think he just got fed up with me bouncing back and forth and that is why he didn't want to talk to me eventhough he wanted to talk to me three days before. I was short to him when I called to smooth things over and got off the phone. Do you think he took that as it was over between us and that is why he acted the way he did when I called him back three days later. All this took place before he found out his wife was pregnant.

My problem with this whole mess is not the heartache but the feeling of rejection. Not being rejected bc he was staying with his wife but just not wanting to talk to me the last time I called. I told him I wasn't ready to leave my husband either. So I know how he feels. He never felt guilty for doing this to his wife nor did he say he needed to work on things with her. We didn't end bc he wanted to be with his wife. I feel it just got to be too much for both of us to handle. How could he not want to talk to me after everything we had been through. Do you think he just didn't care after one week.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 1:14am

sorry Mere, I missed your intended question in your first post.


As to xMM not caring after one week of separation, i doubt it. It seems xMM was just trying to create the necessary emotional distance from you to keep up his end of the decision to end your affair as you asked him to do. The initial week or two of the end of an affair tends to be similar to addiction withdrawls, such as what smokers go through while quitting smoking.


As I said, I think xMM needed distance and not talking to you with any emotion may seem rather cold and uncaring, however the purpose appears to me