The Clearing Fog

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2012
The Clearing Fog
11
Mon, 12-31-2012 - 7:16pm

Well for those of you that know my story you will know its a roller coaster, the physical A ended in September but emotionally it has continued, until yesterday!! Over the last week xap and I have been for coffee twice, lunch once, had a few drinks and he left me a Xmas gift in my drawer at work, a heart shaped chocolate. I certainly don't want to get back into the A but I do love him and his friendship. Then on Friday he had the day off work and I received the most evil, viscous text from his wife telling me to stop this obsession I have with him, and why don't I get it that he hates me and wants nothing to do with me, she even called me a dumb slut, I was so upset I felt betrayed by xap, I have no idea what brought this on?? So I did nothing, then yesterday NYE at work I couldn't even look at him, he never spoke to me either, I am confused?? Did he know about the text?? So I forwarded it to him and at the bottom I put "consider me out of your life for ever" I don't know what I was expecting in reply, but what I got was another text from his wife saying "thank f@@k for that". 

where to from now?? Do I confront him? Or do I try to ignore him, not sure what to do?? Please help! 

One thing I do know is "we are never ever ever getting back together"

Happy New Year to all 

T xxx

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Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Wed, 01-02-2013 - 10:30am

that IS funny, your Dad being a bus mechanic!

And now that you spilled your beans about your name in another post, I am going to get on your case about changing it...and pronto!  The names we choose should have absolutely no memory attached to our AP.  Choose something strong and powerful and life affirming.

Years ago, I appointed myself Chairwoman of the Change Your Name Committee and everyone here is a Board Member who can suggest doing so as they see fit.

But now I am on to you, and I will rag on you 'til you do...believe me, you don't want that.Just let us know it is you by putting a "was Tily"...just for a while...we want to stop typing that name altogether ultimately.

I'm really proud of you for taking the steps to avoid him as much as you can...good girl.

I have made that wish that you will be the chosen one...even tho I thought all us Hebs were the chosen ones...but okay. for you. Laughing  You have to keep us posted.

Onward and forward.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Wed, 01-02-2013 - 10:19am

Tily, honey, if it helps any, you are not the first other woman to be thrown under the bus.  I've seen some go back for more and become so familiar with the underside of that bus, they could have gone on to become expert mechanics.

No, it's not fair, it's not right...but was an affair, and unfortunately the consequences of accepting being someone's side dish which tends to get tossed out because eating the main dish is priority.  

I understand how hard it is to bite your tongue...it's still my biggest hurdle...so I know...I really know.

She's not a stupid woman...she knows it takes two to tango...and it's easier for her right now to throw all her rage on blame on you..and it's easier right now for him to let her.

Hang in there...chin up, and go about your business with as much grace and dignity you can muster.

((hugs))

Clarity 

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2012
Wed, 01-02-2013 - 2:01am
Ha ha thanks WC that's exactly what I needed to hear! Just spent the day at work and managed to avoid him all day, I have even re-worked my roster so I am not working on Fridays when we have drinks as this is a vulnerable time for both of us. Today I held my head high and was vocal through out the office, I am not going to let him intimidate me into hiding under no rock! On another note had 3rd interview for new job and have heard its down to me and an internal applicant, will find out later this week, can we all please make a little wish I am the chosen one. Hugs to you all, why didn't I listen 3 months ago and I wouldn't be doing the mechanical work on a bus! Funny thing my dad was a bus mechanic! Tily xx
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2012
Tue, 01-01-2013 - 9:22pm
Yes you are right M, I am just pissed because I was doing fine keeping it strictly business and he is the one that made it personal again, yes I know I shouldn't have, but it doesn't seem right that I cop the full blame!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Tue, 01-01-2013 - 6:49pm
Tily, she isn't doing his dirty work, they are a united front trying to get you out of their M. He doesn't need protection, he is working together with his W to try to make it right with her. They are a team against you. Stay away from him and be strong if he tries to come phishing around you again.
Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Tue, 01-01-2013 - 3:51pm

No.  No more communication...no more interjecting yourself into his life...no telling him what's what.  He knows he is weak and doesn't need you pointing that out.  He was weak...you were weak.

Time to place your focus on where it really belongs...on you.  

I'm sure you've been directed to the thread on LC in the workplace.  Those are solid guidelines to help you navigate in the workplace.  

You must let go and start the process of moving forward.

((hugs))

Clarity 

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2012
Tue, 01-01-2013 - 3:32pm
I must not have made myself clear, I am not interested in getting back into the A either emotionally or physically, i just want to be work mates, but I am extremely aggravated by his actions, wouldn't it make me less spineless if I confront him and tell him he is weak for getting his wife to do his dirty work??
Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Tue, 01-01-2013 - 9:20am

You have to let go. It is the only way. Quit hanging onto this loser.

Why would you hang on hoping..............for someone who only hurts you?

Please, please take this as a wake up call.  It is you that needs to change.

He only wants to use you.  He is too weak to change. Accept that he doesn't love you ENOUGH!

Get a backbone.  Stand up!  Dust  yourself off.  Move on!

Redraw your boundaries so that both of you know that it's not to be crossed, and stick to it.

Time will heal you.

Everyone here can't be wrong. 

Rather....

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
Tue, 01-01-2013 - 6:33am

Hi Tily

Please, please, please, please - L E T  G O. This is very serious. If I knew there was another woman in my H's life, I would be seeing red too. You have no right what so ever to this man. He is not going to leave his wife for you, and you have no right to confront his in regards to his decisions to stop your EA.

Saying this - I know how painful it must be for you. I know the feeling of rejection bites. I know the ache and the sadness involved in ending an A, no matter who ends it. I ended my A, but it killed me inside....at least I thought it did - I'm still here and I am certainly not dying in pain anymore.

We want the best for you, so move on. I worked with my xAP too - so again - I get you. Its the pits - so move on. To be honest - I don't think you will be happy again unless you find a new job - make this your new years resolution - its important you move on, and away from this man and his wife.

Keep writing here - let us know how things are going. we do care - we are just trying to give you a wake up call

´WGO

Every recovery is a kind of rebirth
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
Tue, 01-01-2013 - 6:33am

Hi Tily

Please, please, please, please - L E T  G O. This is very serious. If I knew there was another woman in my H's life, I would be seeing red too. You have no right what so ever to this man. He is not going to leave his wife for you, and you have no right to confront his in regards to his decisions to stop your EA.

Saying this - I know how painful it must be for you. I know the feeling of rejection bites. I know the ache and the sadness involved in ending an A, no matter who ends it. I ended my A, but it killed me inside....at least I thought it did - I'm still here and I am certainly not dying in pain anymore.

We want the best for you, so move on. I worked with my xAP too - so again - I get you. Its the pits - so move on. To be honest - I don't think you will be happy again unless you find a new job - make this your new years resolution - its important you move on, and away from this man and his wife.

Keep writing here - let us know how things are going. we do care - we are just trying to give you a wake up call

´WGO

Every recovery is a kind of rebirth

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