Closed the door.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2012
Closed the door.
9
Tue, 12-18-2012 - 9:02am

I've been reading on here for a while.  I'm hoping for no judgement.

I'm single - and I've been involved in a couple of a's through the years.  I'm not proud of it.  my first A happened during my divorce - we were both married - I thought it was lot of things, I was naieve - that door closed by mutual agreement about 6 months after it started.  For a couple of years I didn't care if the guys I dated/ slept with were married or not - I wasn't looking for anything long term.  A part of me was (is) just broken.  I've known my AP for a few years now.  We were friends, met through message board and got to know each other via email.  We've seen each other intimately for the last two years.  We were supposed to have a couple of days together this week and last night as we lay in bed talking and it hit me - he loves her.  I don't mean a little bit - he loves his wife and he was only with me because he was looking to feel special, wanted, desired, strong.  I told him to go home.  We talked for an hour or more about what he wants in his life, and at the time I didn't feel sad.  I've always known what we had was temporary at best. 

But as I wake this morning I feel a sadness I hadn't anticipated.  I know I won't hear from him again - and I've taken precautions to close doors to the way we used to communicate.  I'm glad that he's going home and trying to fix things - and I hope it works for him, I promise I do.  I guess I'm just sad that I feel so empty.  We weren't in love, and I hold no illusions about a life together or future rendezvous, so why does it hurt like this? 

I guess a part of me had a wake up moment during our talk last night - and I realized, I WANT a man to feel about me, the way he feels love for her.  I DO want something more substantive in my life, but I feel like I'm so broken and my boundaries are confused between dating/sex/relationships.  I don't know how to even begin.  but I closed the door on A's in my life.  I'm done.  I know my pain can't possibly relate to the way some of you have shared in your stories, but how do you get back to a normal status quo? 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2012
Tue, 12-18-2012 - 11:57am

First off..want to welcome you. Sorry you are here...but glad you are at the same time. How to get back to normal...THAT is the million dollar question. I have a question for you..do you really want to get back to normal? Normal being what you had before this...my guess is no. Most of us don't. We wound up here because we were searching for something/missing something/etc. to begin with. But maybe ...just maybe..now you can start really focusing on you. On those hard questions..like how did I get here in the first place..etc. And then begin the journey of steering yourself/you life..in a new direction.  I read a quote when I first left my A..that said..the difference between who you are and who you imagine yourself to be..is what you do.  So, chica...what you did, was close the doors to your A (A's)..meaning..maybe..just possibly..you have more boundaries than you give yourself credit for. It takes a lot of bravery to close those doors. So be kind to yourself. Continue reading..sharing...giving yourself time to heal.  Give yourself time and space to grieve, sleep,ask questions, grieve some more. WE are all here for you.

  The difference between who you are and who you imagine yourself to be, is what you do.

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Tue, 12-18-2012 - 12:06pm

No judgment here.

You have the thoughts and feeling that most of us here have had at one time or another, you aren't unusual at all.

You want someone to love you, hold you close, pump your ego, and to be someone you can trust. Maybe even you want to be on that path, yourself. You know the path you are on isn’t the right one. If you didn’t know, then you would be a sociopath who couldn’t love would be here.

When the fog wears off, you begin to realize that you aren't on the right path at all, and you are only getting the temporary feel goods of an A and they don't last long in the real world. You are starting to get honest with yourself. When the fantasy ends, so does the affair. It's the hard part of ending it all.

It's too easy, to not commit yourself to someone in trade for temporary feel-goods.

That's what affairs are all about.

Why do you feel bad?  Is it because you have fallen into the habit of being in love temporarily? You miss the habit? Is it an addiction? Do you want to be first in someone else's life?

Only you can answer the questions.

Welcome to the board, and group. We hope you find a home here, and hopefully we can offer some sound advice to re-establish goals in your life to make it all happen.

My first suggestion, get into therapy. You may or not have other issues in your life but for some reason you are willing to settle for not being first in someone else’s life. That is where I would start looking.

Good luck to you,

Rather….

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We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Tue, 12-18-2012 - 12:40pm

Hi Icbnic

I echo RME's suggestion that therapy would be a good place to start...to start delving into what makes you tick...address the issues so you can eventually bring a healthier you to the table of a new relationship...where you are number one.  

I apologize for the Board being so slow.  ivillage did a major switchover which has caused a major upheaval with glitches galore.

You said you've been reading...so you know the drill, you know the score...apparently because you closed the door.  So, everyone's on the same page, right?  He knows it is over for sure, right?  That's important so there will be no waivering by either party.

Congratulations for arriving at the conclusion that you are worth so much more than just being someone's option.  It's a good sign that self-love and self-respect are reasserting themselves.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2012
Tue, 12-18-2012 - 4:07pm
Thanks to each of you - today has been intensely quiet around here. And yes Clarity - we're all on the same page - Unfortunatly therapy is outside of my budget right now, so I've been looking at some books to read to start working on me. Rather - I think you hit the nail on the head, for whatever reason I have always felt okay with not being center stage in my own life, undeserving I guess. Really I just feel like I'm never enough, always looking for leads to propel me up to others. I'm realizing as I sit here typing this - I'm way to big a people pleaser....why does it matter so much to me? Ugh. I'm not letting myself get sucked down that self pity hole. Thankfully the holidays are here and I have a lot to do. I won't lie tho, as I've gone through the day I've given over to thinking about him, and about all this wayyyyy too much today.
Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Tue, 12-18-2012 - 4:21pm

Good good good...I'm relieved to hear you are on the same page, so there'll be no fishing by either of you which absolutely never helps our healing journey. Staying NC is the only one absolute guarantee we have that we can put this behind us once and for all.

There are many resources out there to assist us if therapy is not an option due to finances (though some will work with a sliding fee scale).  Be sure to check out the Baggage Reclaim Site and take a stroll through our Healing Library...especially that Awakening thread.

List of Posts | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

Please keep reaching out for support.  And always come here first if you have an itch to reach out to JAM (just a man)...we'll talk you down off that ledge.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Wed, 12-19-2012 - 9:42am

In order to have someone who really cares about you, you have to make sure you clear the clutter in your life and not allow a man who is committed to someone else have something so precious as your body. You have to find a way to put more value in yourself and not allow someone who comes to you as a dishonest man willing to cheat on his W to use you when he needs to fill a void. You are not a ppl pleaser because ppl pleasers don't hurt other ppl. You are hurting his W every time you sleep with him, even if she doesn't know that you are sleeping with him. You are pleasing yourself more than anyone else at this time. But there is hope for you. You can find therapy for free. There are all types of women's centers who counsel women for free. Look for one and get into therapy and work on becoming an honest woman with integrity who doesn't make excuses for her actions. You can become better. Work on you and stop the endless cycle of hurting other women and yourself.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Thu, 12-20-2012 - 4:41pm

  There is nothing wrong.  you have hit upon a great truth.

"he was looking to feel special, wanted, desired, strong." 

  All humans want this feeling.  It is part of being human.  Many couples forget this.  In forgetting they treat their partner like furniture.  Then they wonder why they leave,have (love/emotional affairs) never questioning the dynamics of the relationship.

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2012
Mon, 12-24-2012 - 6:51pm

If only it were that simple.  I'm married to someone who is extremely insecure and anxious.  His anxiety is manifested in extreme anger directed at me.  Over time, as a means to protect myself emotionally, I've learned to simply shut down until the storm passes.  Once it does, he acts like nothing is wrong.

Maybe this could be interpreted as treating my husband like a piece of furniture, but there are two sides to every story.  In my situation, I'm being subjected to a significant amount of verbal abuse.  I can be the victim or I can seek help in an effort to make my life better, whether it includes my husband or not.

In any event, I echo the recommendation - therapy for *you* is invaluable. I'm sorry you are unable to afford a good therapist (I'm seeing one who is a *rock star*), but there are many, many great (many of them free) resources available to you online.  This support group is one of them. 

Only you are completely in-charge of your life and happiness.  I suggest focusing on *you* now, and making your life better so that when the opportunity comes along, with the potential for a real, open relationship, you'll be healthy and ready for it.

Good luck.

Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Sat, 12-29-2012 - 4:16pm
Good luck! You are making a huge step in realizing that you do deserve more as do I and everyone else!

 

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