Closed the door.
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|Tue, 12-18-2012 - 9:02am|
I've been reading on here for a while. I'm hoping for no judgement.
I'm single - and I've been involved in a couple of a's through the years. I'm not proud of it. my first A happened during my divorce - we were both married - I thought it was lot of things, I was naieve - that door closed by mutual agreement about 6 months after it started. For a couple of years I didn't care if the guys I dated/ slept with were married or not - I wasn't looking for anything long term. A part of me was (is) just broken. I've known my AP for a few years now. We were friends, met through message board and got to know each other via email. We've seen each other intimately for the last two years. We were supposed to have a couple of days together this week and last night as we lay in bed talking and it hit me - he loves her. I don't mean a little bit - he loves his wife and he was only with me because he was looking to feel special, wanted, desired, strong. I told him to go home. We talked for an hour or more about what he wants in his life, and at the time I didn't feel sad. I've always known what we had was temporary at best.
But as I wake this morning I feel a sadness I hadn't anticipated. I know I won't hear from him again - and I've taken precautions to close doors to the way we used to communicate. I'm glad that he's going home and trying to fix things - and I hope it works for him, I promise I do. I guess I'm just sad that I feel so empty. We weren't in love, and I hold no illusions about a life together or future rendezvous, so why does it hurt like this?
I guess a part of me had a wake up moment during our talk last night - and I realized, I WANT a man to feel about me, the way he feels love for her. I DO want something more substantive in my life, but I feel like I'm so broken and my boundaries are confused between dating/sex/relationships. I don't know how to even begin. but I closed the door on A's in my life. I'm done. I know my pain can't possibly relate to the way some of you have shared in your stories, but how do you get back to a normal status quo?