Closure?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2008
Closure?
8
Sat, 04-10-2010 - 10:16am

I am debating the question of closure this weekend.

My story: 17 mth affair, coworkers - he had to leave company after his DDay last april. We talk 2 - 3 times every workday. We started as really good friends who then turned to each other for what was missing in our M's. Now both of us have been through MC and our M's are both better. We see each other once a month now.

He told me friday morning that he had been up all night with the guilt of our 17 mth affair and didn't know if he could go on. Of course this was the day after we met and he had no problems accepting a bj from me. *stupid girl* Anyway I cried and ranted and we promised to talk later in the morning. then we kept missing each other's calls. I know he will call Monday morning to see if I am o.k. I do not think he will "fish" but he may be feeling the withdrawal already.

My therapist suggested since the handwriting has been on the wall for a while to be the one to end it - as in you can't leave me because I am already gone.

A)Do I tell him it's over? This could be a voicemail, a letter, or on the phone.

B)Do I send back the little momentoes he gave me over the months?

Thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2008
In reply to: songs41
Sat, 04-10-2010 - 12:45pm

Closure is a hard 'subject'.... Because really... you'll never have the closure you need... We all want it, try to get it, it never happens, and you still want more closure.


My advice... find a way you're going to communicate this with him (email, text, phone call) and make it short and sweet... "It's over.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
In reply to: songs41
Sat, 04-10-2010 - 2:19pm

Hi Songs,


Looks like you’ve been around the board for a while. Congrats. on working on the final step to end the affair. You have the benefit of being in T to add to your support system.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
In reply to: songs41
Sat, 04-10-2010 - 8:34pm

Hi Songs-


Both Beautiful and E1's responses are dead on. And I especially like E1's statement that ending and closure are two different things. After I ended my A, I struggled a lot with the whole "closure" thing... I wanted one more meeting... or one more email... or one more something. And then i read this and it really helped put it into perspective for me.


"Closure means dead."

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2010
In reply to: songs41
Mon, 04-12-2010 - 1:34am

Hi Songs41,


Closure had been my issue before but this site helped me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2008
In reply to: songs41
Mon, 04-12-2010 - 10:45am

Well he didn't call this morning (yet)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
In reply to: songs41
Mon, 04-12-2010 - 10:51am

Songs- He's not your friend. A friend would not have allowed you to engage in such self destructive behavior. I know that is hard to hear. I didn't want to hear it in the early stages of NC either. But it is the truth. No matter what you had or what you thought you had, it was all based in deceit and lies. It's over and now you each have to pick up the pieces and move on separately. You cannot be the problem and the solution for each other any longer. It is hard. I know. I've BTDT. But I promise... and I mean really promise, that if you commit yourself to NC and let time do it's work, you will be ok. Yes, it will hurt, but as long as you don't act on your feelings, you will heal.

You know the stove is hot, so stop touching it. You have control over your heart now... protect it. NC really does = no new hurts.

Hugs,

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2008
In reply to: songs41
Mon, 04-12-2010 - 11:17am

Theres a few things that you should recognize so the pain will stop. Why did you access his voice mail? Were you looking for an ego stroke? that he would have saved alittle piece of you?You were setting yourself up for hurt. Maybe you do need to hurt yourself(emotionally) enough for you to stay away from him and let the A be over. But thats an awfully hard way to learn.

Maybe at 1st he was your friend but that line has been crossed and there is no going back. If he deleted everything than maybe you should follow his lead and delete all of him from your life. Hes trying to end this and to move on and you need to as well. Leave him alone and look to yourself.

The obligations that he was to fulfill with you this month, well youre just gonna have to be a big girl and figure out how to get it done without his help.

We all know what kind of hurt youre feeling today and there is no magic words to make that go away. But please learn from this experience and do not continue to hurt yourself by fishing.

Hang in there Songs,
DM

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2008
In reply to: songs41
Mon, 04-12-2010 - 9:12pm

You're right about accessing his voicemail. I wanted to feel like he couldn't let me go. *sigh* I am working with a T on my self esteem issues. I always felt an older guy, my mentor, handsome and charming, would never be interested in me. I'm 43 - when will I ever believe in myself?

I wish I was angry - I wish I was saying "He never deserved me." but I don't feel that way really - It would be easier if I did!

He did leave a message on my phone later in the day but I ignored it. Work today was just horrible and my mom overdrew her acct again and blah blah blah.

I miss the escape that was our A. like a drug. with awful side effects. I just keep saying one hour at a time - one foot in front of the other. I know I have so much to be grateful for.

thank you to everyone who replied - I am soaking this up like a sponge.