Closure and resolve

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2011
Closure and resolve
19
Tue, 04-17-2012 - 4:15pm

I've had a tough few weeks. Mainly because I think my therapist has been on holiday and I didn't get to see him until last night. Realising that in the time he was away, I no longer had my weekly scheduled outlet to just 'let it all out', apart from here of course. But you know, I couldn't just cry and talk about my feelings openly with anyone in a real context.

We spent last night's session talking a lot about my anger and pain that I can't seem to overcome. God, did I let rip last night. Words came out of my mouth about xap that I never thought they would. Suddenly I almost hated this guy. Felt so wronged, felt so betrayed by him, felt so used and frustrated with hima nd myself. Yep, I was in a funk alright! Poor T - 3 weeks worth of emotions poured right out in 55minutes!!

On a few occassions he has hinted at my emotions are a result of me having no closure and that I needed to be prepared to gain that. I always took that as a 'conversation' with XMM and so always reacted very defensively, self-protectively and profusely shaking my head that I couldn't do that. I didn't want to, I wasn't ready.

Last night we explored why? Throughout the course of our A, I never once revealed how I was feeling throughout it, too busy being 'strong and supportive' for XMM to even worry about me. As long as he was ok, that was good.

I told T that I had a good job opportunity come up and that was my window of opportunity to move on as I couldn't see how I would move on continuing to be in LC with XMM. Of course, he made me ask myself whether it would be the right decision if XMM wasn't in equation and I reassured him that yes it would as it was the right move for me, career wise too so timing would be right. I thought he would then nod his head with agreement and approval that yes that's what I should do too but instead he made me realise that I wasn't going to solve the problem I thought this job move would solve...leave the company that has so many memories and associations of my pain and leave XMM and finally have a chance of happiness and freedom from all the pain to move on. Instead he said 'I think you think that a new job means a new chance to move on, leave the pain behind and the problem will go away, especially as you won't have to see him everyday. Whilst a new job will give you an inital, momentary break from the emtions, even a new surge of energy and excitement - the problem that's unresolved is still that. That problem is your need to communictae your needs. Something you have never done with the men in your life (exes, father...). You haven't resolved this, made peace with it, gained closure'. And the penny dropped for me. I can't run away anymore. I have worked so hard to be 'normal', carry on regardless and it's worked to a certain extent but I can't escape my pain.

Whether I initiate a final conversation, write a final email or not is still to be decided. One thing is for sure, I do not and will not enter the A again. This is not a ploy to get back into that. When my T asked what I wanted XMM to respond I said 'whenever I imagine myself voicing all my feelings to him, I never once imagine in my head what his response will be. He is silent and just listening to what I have to say'. And you know why? Because I don't need or want him to say anything. Nothing he can say or do will be good enough or make me feel any better or give me closure. All I want to say is for me and me only. Closure comes from within and to get that I need to resolve this. The only way I see that happening is if I end it for good and i mean in a way that there will never be any going back. Not amicably like it did with doors open left, right and centre. I need to pull the final plug. Silence has spoken volumes for me so far but it's time to speak up.

I never say what needs to be said to the people I care about and don't want to hurt. I just take on the pain myself. But it's come back to bite me and I can't keep running and boxing my needs anymore.

The first day of the rest of my life: 25/10/2011

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2011
Tue, 04-17-2012 - 4:58pm

I did have that "final conversation" with xap & I felt better after.

Sometimes you just have to die a little inside in order to be reborn and rise again as a stronger and wiser version of you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Tue, 04-17-2012 - 5:21pm

I'm scared.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2006
Tue, 04-17-2012 - 5:28pm
Think long and hard before you have that closure "conversation" with Xmm. I can only speak from my experience but with every ending, except this final one, I had a closure conversation. Guess where that led.....right back into the affair. I lost count how many endings and closure conversations we had!! YOUR closure needs to come from within, there is nothing he can add to it. But that's just my humble opinion.

(hugs),

~~Noway~~
The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2011
Tue, 04-17-2012 - 5:33pm
EO

Clarity is right. We all understand your need for closure but a conversation with xAP will scorch you. I know because I did it the first time we ended. You say he doesn't need to say anything to you. But he will. And you don't know what he'll say or what effect it will have on you.

Closure does only come from you. From you and to you. You are seeking his validation - its nit an exercise to show you are standing up for yourself and speaking out. It is showing you are still attached emotionally. And gosh only knows how LC can do this.

You have been remarkable in your commitment to LC. It is a long path and so very easy to falter when they still have a presence in your reality. Your needs are taking care of you and protecting you. Growing and moving forwards and leaving xAP behind. Direct contact with him does not fulfil your needs and is a potential threat to your emotional well being.

My closure conversation led me back into the A. At the time I justified it as something I needed to move on. I was adamant I wouldn't go back. Whilst you are probably stronger than me, my heart aches to hear you contemplating taking this risk.

((hugs)) honey. Talk more with your T (keeping in mind Clarity's caveat).

Thinking of you

Yellow xx

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." ~Henry David Thoreau~

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Tue, 04-17-2012 - 6:01pm

Ellie,

I have a lot of questions…lol ! What’s new…right!

I am trying to understand where you T is coming from. Does he think you writing this letter will help you stand your ground at work and not run away from things? Is a work environment a good place to write such a personal letter?

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2011
Tue, 04-17-2012 - 6:02pm
I have to admit I read this, eo73, and it validated why I feel sad, down, torn ....I was dumped in a quick phone call. No fight, argument...I never said a word, just hung up. He will never, ever speak to me again, has blocked me in ways I didn't know existed.... xap had just hung onto hope too long. Clarity and others snapped me back to reality, thankfully. You see, I can never have 'closure', he would not allow it, so I have to make sense of it with just my perspective. It has been really hard, HARD! I say!! , but it's my only option and it's going to have to work for me.

I subscribe to the others in the thoughts that we are all we need for closure ....

Keep us posted, eo.

Gypsy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
Tue, 04-17-2012 - 7:53pm
Honey, it sounds like.such a cliche but closure can only come from within.
That post of Clarity's is perfect.

Hugs
Avatar for happyasme
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Wed, 04-18-2012 - 10:27am

EO, I think you got it right, right here:

"I said 'whenever I imagine myself voicing all my feelings to him, I never once imagine in my head what his response will be. He is silent and just listening to what I have to say'. And you know why? Because I don't need or want him to say anything. Nothing he can say or do will be good enough or make me feel any better or give me closure. All I want to say is for me and me only. "

So say it to you and you only, in a journal, an unsent letter or e-mail, if you feel that it needs to be read by "someone", let that someone be us, or maybe your T.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Wed, 04-18-2012 - 11:53am

Blech.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2011
Wed, 04-18-2012 - 2:57pm
ladies, thank you for your wise words! And I hear you all loud and clear and even share the same sentiments with many of you. I have long preached about closure coming from within and so I know this, I just have hit a funk these last couple of weeks and tired of feeling stuck.

I know all you say is right hence why I am not rushing into anything. I have written a letter but not sent don't worry. I'm going to share it with T and go from there.

I think a part of me just wants him to know he will never have me again and I kick myself everyday for not telling him so to his face on our parting conversation.

He said...'i'm not trying to give false hope but I don't know what the future holds so I can't say I'll never be with you'

I said...NOTHING. What an idiot!

Thank you girls for listening and giving me the jolt I need right now. I can't wait for my T session now!!!

Hugs
EO

The first day of the rest of my life: 25/10/2011

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