Closure and resolve
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|Tue, 04-17-2012 - 4:15pm|
I've had a tough few weeks. Mainly because I think my therapist has been on holiday and I didn't get to see him until last night. Realising that in the time he was away, I no longer had my weekly scheduled outlet to just 'let it all out', apart from here of course. But you know, I couldn't just cry and talk about my feelings openly with anyone in a real context.
We spent last night's session talking a lot about my anger and pain that I can't seem to overcome. God, did I let rip last night. Words came out of my mouth about xap that I never thought they would. Suddenly I almost hated this guy. Felt so wronged, felt so betrayed by him, felt so used and frustrated with hima nd myself. Yep, I was in a funk alright! Poor T - 3 weeks worth of emotions poured right out in 55minutes!!
On a few occassions he has hinted at my emotions are a result of me having no closure and that I needed to be prepared to gain that. I always took that as a 'conversation' with XMM and so always reacted very defensively, self-protectively and profusely shaking my head that I couldn't do that. I didn't want to, I wasn't ready.
Last night we explored why? Throughout the course of our A, I never once revealed how I was feeling throughout it, too busy being 'strong and supportive' for XMM to even worry about me. As long as he was ok, that was good.
I told T that I had a good job opportunity come up and that was my window of opportunity to move on as I couldn't see how I would move on continuing to be in LC with XMM. Of course, he made me ask myself whether it would be the right decision if XMM wasn't in equation and I reassured him that yes it would as it was the right move for me, career wise too so timing would be right. I thought he would then nod his head with agreement and approval that yes that's what I should do too but instead he made me realise that I wasn't going to solve the problem I thought this job move would solve...leave the company that has so many memories and associations of my pain and leave XMM and finally have a chance of happiness and freedom from all the pain to move on. Instead he said 'I think you think that a new job means a new chance to move on, leave the pain behind and the problem will go away, especially as you won't have to see him everyday. Whilst a new job will give you an inital, momentary break from the emtions, even a new surge of energy and excitement - the problem that's unresolved is still that. That problem is your need to communictae your needs. Something you have never done with the men in your life (exes, father...). You haven't resolved this, made peace with it, gained closure'. And the penny dropped for me. I can't run away anymore. I have worked so hard to be 'normal', carry on regardless and it's worked to a certain extent but I can't escape my pain.
Whether I initiate a final conversation, write a final email or not is still to be decided. One thing is for sure, I do not and will not enter the A again. This is not a ploy to get back into that. When my T asked what I wanted XMM to respond I said 'whenever I imagine myself voicing all my feelings to him, I never once imagine in my head what his response will be. He is silent and just listening to what I have to say'. And you know why? Because I don't need or want him to say anything. Nothing he can say or do will be good enough or make me feel any better or give me closure. All I want to say is for me and me only. Closure comes from within and to get that I need to resolve this. The only way I see that happening is if I end it for good and i mean in a way that there will never be any going back. Not amicably like it did with doors open left, right and centre. I need to pull the final plug. Silence has spoken volumes for me so far but it's time to speak up.
I never say what needs to be said to the people I care about and don't want to hurt. I just take on the pain myself. But it's come back to bite me and I can't keep running and boxing my needs anymore.