closure, without closure
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 07-20-2004 - 12:18pm |
Ok, so this is my first time writing, though I've been reading for a while, and you seem like a thoughtful, gentle group of people, and so I would like to ask your advice. I was involved in an affair with a MM for about 5 months, ending over half a year ago. I am not married, but I live w/ my partner and we've been together for many years. When I met MM, my partner and I were engaged--after meeting MM, I broke it off shortly after (thank god my partner was patient with me, and is still around, though we are not engaged and he doesn't know about A). MM didn't tell me, but his wife was pregnant at the time (i didn't find this out until the baby was a couple months old!). Lovely, I know. We met kind of randomly, clicked instantaneously, and from there--I don't know. I pursued him initially (with his encouragement)--I didn't know he was married. But once he made the decision to do this, he was no holds barred. I was already fallen by the time I knew he was married, but after that I knew what I was doing; I wanted it, all of it. He was kind and generous; I always sort of felt like he was doing this for me (but there are reasons in my past that I have to think that that was a perception based more on neurosis than reality). Anyway, it started to fade--we said some things we didn't mean to say, got scared, and both started to pull away, but he got there first. went away on vacation and never came back to me! (i knew he wasn't going to...) I had just wanted to end it decisively, through communication--i've a bit of an abandonment complex (father issues), and this was devastating to me. i spent five months tortured--rebuilding things w/ my P, but internally thinking of MM. Ran into him five months later--he told me he couldn't say goodbye to me and so he just left. I wanted to believe him. Ran into him again six weeks after that, and we talked more about what had happened--he was falling in love with me, etc, etc. Each of these times it was he who insisted on initiating conversation, instead of letting us walk past each other. So I said I needed to talk to him--not to see him in the street and chat--but to sit down and conclude this, because I couldn't get over him without saying my bit. He said we would; we set a date and time. He never called. I realize his actions indicate unequivocally that he cares not at all for me; I'm not really interested anymore in analyzing why he does/says the things he did and said. What I really so desperately want is to move on and not be saddened by this experience, in some small part of me all the time. How do I create closure when he won't let me have it as I understand it? (If he had ever let me have that final conversation, I would have done what you all have done, and ended it. He wouldn't let me have it.)
I really appreciate your thoughts and your advice.

Pages
I divorced in 1993 and re-married to a wonderful man.
In 1996 I was screwing around with "people search" on Yahoo (I was bored at work) and looked up this guy. I emailed him something like "Hey! Is this really you? What the heck are you up to?" At least a month passed and I totally forgot about it when I received an email from him. We started regularly emailing and it became evident to me that he was very unhappy in his marriage and was still in love with me. After about two months of this I ended it. (At that point it NEVER got romantic from my end, just his.) I encouraged him to go to marriage counseling and wished him luck. I guess my send-off email was kind of terse and shortly after I sent him a card apologizing and saying something like "maybe we can send Christmas Cards" or the like. I never heard from him.
Last December I received an email from him. I was pretty excited and eager to re-establish our friendship (foolishly - the thing is we never had HAD a friendship!) So we had intermittant emails. We then started reading a book together and decided we needed to discuss it over the phone. BIG MISTAKE! That medium REALLY escalated things. We then began text messaging and instant messaging and were talking almost every day.
All of the feelings I had bottled up over the years just flooded out! It was actually very freeing to be able to finally acknowledge them. His marriage hadn't improved much (despite counseling, etc.) and mine had gone through some rough spots and that just made it worse.
It became absolutely obsessive. I'm a very controlled person (HELLO!) and the obsession put me completely out of sorts (which is always how he made me feel from the first time I laid eyes on him). I should mention here that we live in different states but we'd tease about flying into each others' cities etc. I need to also state that it was all about love. We talked about this intense, unrealized love. Sex wasn't ever brought up (until close to the end but I'll broach that later). I saw that he was a very needy individual who wanted constant admiration and I filled that need better than anyone ever could!
We never discussed leaving our marriages. I'm in a good marriage which just had gone through some rough times but is completely salvageable. He has kids and that fact alone was enough for me to never even bring up "running away together."
It was my hope that we could just maintain this emotional affair because it was obviously something that we both needed and truthfully for the first time in my life I felt complete. For the first time in my life I wasn't running away from this love I felt for this man. Problem was, he couldn't handle it. He couldn't handle "not being able to act" on the things he was feeling for me. He wanted more.
One evening when I was out of town and he was working late we had a text message flirtation about what sex would be like. As usual I was completely honest and gave him some pretty erotic descriptions of what I'd like to do to him if we ever hooked up. Text message sex! LOL. After, he called me and we had a frank discussion. He asked me, "if we ever really got together would you really do all that stuff?" I told him "There is no way we're EVER going to get together in real life. So why even have this conversation? (But yes I'm quite confident in my abilities)." He then continued. "If we got together and I didn't get physical with you, would you be mad or disappointed?" I re-iterated what I said before. "there is NO WAY we're ever going to REALLY get together." then I turned it around on him and asked him the same question. Guess what he said? "Yes, I'd be mad and disappointed." SO LAME!
Anyway, that conversation was the beginning of the end. I think we could've maintained an emotional affair had we never brought up sex but I think it freaked him out. I'd like to point out that HE brought up sex, not me.
So when he "clumsily" ended it on July 2, as I've alluded to before, it made me SO angry! I mean, I knew it was coming, but everything was fine until he pushed it! We could have stayed in an emotional affair for a long time. Why do men always want more?
Well, I sent him some song lyrics and then I disappeared. I mean *poof* I was GONE. I erased his number from my phone, I erased all text messages, email messages and voice messages. I know about "no contact" and was following that path. Then HE emailed me. Then HE called me. Let's go back to being friends.
Can I do that? I don't know. I think he wants everything. He wants ME to love and adore him and fill his needs but he's not going to reciprocate because it makes him feel like he's cheating.
Let's talk about me. I feel like a volcano erupted from my soul and all of that stuff came shooting out. How can I get it back in? How can I stuff that crazy, insane, intense love I've felt for him since I was 15 back into my sub-conscience where it belongs? Truth be told, I do better when there is no contact. But for some sick and twisted reason I need to know that he still loves me (I know he does) and that he still wants me but has resigned himself to reality: He can't have me. LOL So he'll keep me in his life as a friend.
The thing is that it's not only HIS decision. It seems like we are all abiding by the decisions the MEN are making. Why don't WE take control? Is it because if each one of us had our choice we'd still be in the affair? Is it because we didn't have the courage to end the affairs ourselves even though we knew it was the best path to take? *sigh*
There's my story.
Much love and luck - Mislead
PS -I'm going to post this on the main discussion thread too. I think several people may have had "electronic" affairs. I'm kind of curious to see if that's the case. - M
There was a time, about a year ago, that he and I used to talk about how unfortunate it was that we hadn't met each other before meeting our spouses, because he and I were so much more compatible, best friends and the most amazing lovers, and that we really should be together instead of the people we both felt shackled to.
However, a year later, I realize how unhappy we probably would truly be if we had the guts to end our marriages and try being together. First of all, how could we trust each other? He cheated on her, why not me? But mainly, I think to myself...Well he certainly is the most amazing lover, and has the ability to be a great friend if he wants to be, but what a LOUSY husband! Glad I'm not her.
(Of course the same applies to me, I suppose. I guess I'm the pot calling the kettle black.) but the difference? I have more compassion and am more thoughtful of his feelings, and have tried to be the best friend I could possibly be, even when I'm being treated in a very ambiguous way by him. I'm trying to change all that now - with all my life, not just this particular relationship.
When I start to feel as if I'm being treated in a manner that's less than what I deserve, I just turn around and walk out of the room. Before I would stay there like an idiot and pretend I didn't know I was being ignored or rejected (or whatever). And staying is just giving them permission to do it again and again.
I suppose I should be thankful for the opportunity to change that he's given me, but I'd like to spank his little boy bottom for treating me so badly.
well, I have to say hearing from all of you has been great, and it sounds like we're on our way to some sensible recovery, doesn't it?? i actually keep trying to do that too--to find some positive lesson or thing that came from all this. you all seem like great, strong women, so there's something!
I'm going to start a new strand to ask a question of you all relating to an experience i just had at the all-sides-of-an-affair board. i'd appreciate your insight...
---
I never did post that strand. After trying to phrase it (I was going to ask about some personalized hostility I received from BS's that had little to do with my posting, when I responded to another post on a completely different topic), I realized maybe it's better left alone. These things cause a lot of bitterness on all sides, understandably so, and if someone is convinced that the world is black and white, and I'm evil, I'm not going to affect their outlook. It makes me feel bad, but... Anyway, wishing you the best again.)
Edited 7/22/2004 11:10 am ET ET by askme28
<<<>>>
I wish I could have warned you that being an OW (or even an XOW) posting on All Sides will guarantee severe hostility from the BS's over there. I read your posts and you hung in there pretty darn well, but I am sorry you were scrutenized so badly. There are too many "raw" nerves on that board, so my advice for anyone who reads this is to NOT go over there for support if you are an OW, an XOW or even remotely wonder what they may think of what you have done...
True
Pages