Closure without Goodbye

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2013
Closure without Goodbye
12
Sun, 01-06-2013 - 11:47pm

I am so thankful I found this board!  I have been a wreck for 6 weeks since the end of my affair. Just reading through the posts makes a huge difference.  Someone mentioned that it is really hard to find someone to trust and talk to- since affairs are generally secret- in my case the man was someone my close friends and family all knew (know) very well.  My difficulty is closure- my own closure on a relationship I thought of as a loving friendship as well as an intimate love affair.  I have known this man for over 15 years. We worked together, very closely- at one time our families were friends.  We were very good friends and colleagues for years before we were lovers.  We were attracted to each othere, flirted harmlessly (it seemed anyway) and then over a period of about a year, some 11 years ago, we became lovers.  We were both married. We had a wonderful relationship- and no real expectations that anything more would come of it but a good freindship. Things began to change- we became more entangled with each others lives- began to count on each other more. He had trouble in his marraige- mine seemed fine- the whole thing seemed an abberation of what I believed myself to be; a loving wife and mother. I was conflicted- I began to pull away- but not hard enough.  Then tragedy struck my family- my husband died suddenly- I was completely devastated- and he was at my house when I arrived home from the hospital, stayed in contact iwth me- was just my best friend for the longest time. We picked up our intimate relationship and it was complicated- at one point he told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me- and two weeks later told me he was reconciling with his wife- we didn't see each other much for about 6 months-but I just didn't want to lose someone else I loved and cared about- he pursued, I gave in, and slowly I just got to the place where it was ok- he loved me, I knew he wouldn't leave his wife- it just was that way.  In an odd way I was happy.  We talked nearly every day- emailed, texted, shared thoughts, ideas, dreams...saw each other a few times a month (we were no longer working together).  I moved to another city when I got a new job- and he visited me here- while this relationship was not without its ups and downs it was more up than down, Still- looking back, there were lots of times when he hurt me badly; refusing to talk, or telling me half truths, or not making good on promises he made.  We talked about ending the affair and just holding on to the friendship- promised we would-but neither of us could do it.  He was here in early Novemer and then a week later called and told me he couldn't talk to me anymore for awhile- not much explanation except he'd had a conversation with his wife.  Then a week or so after that he called and told me he had promised not to see me again.  I was devasted at the abruptness, and the lack of conversation- no goodbuye, no closure- nothing- just like 15 years evaporated in 24 hours.  I guess he is practicing NC- but he wasn't honest about it- I would not have begged him to stay- I think we both knew the day was coming- I just really thought we would part, sadly, in a more humane way. I never believed a 15 year relationship and friendship could end so harshly. I feel rejected, discarded, soemtimes guilty, ashamed- angry...I don't even know. I miss him terribly-I obsess over what happened to create this final rift. The last time I talked to him he promised to call "when he could talk to me."  He told me he loved me, would always love me, and hung up.  He sends me text messages every week or so and says he misses me; every once in awhile I send an email back- last week I just asked point blank- are you ever talking to me again/ ever going to see me, even to say goodbye?  How sad is that?  I had typed out a whole letter to him- and now I am reconsidering what to really say.  It seems like the best strategy- as difficult as it is- is to just let it go- but I can't seem to do that without creating some kind of closure for myself. I have lost a colleague (we still work in the same business, have lots of the same freinds), my best friend, and a lover.  How can I get some control over my feelings and take care of myself without obsessing about the whys and hows of how this relationship ended? 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Tue, 01-08-2013 - 10:38am

Hi Gecko55,

Welcome.  So glad you found us!  It has been a life saver for me.

I had a 5 year A with a co-worker; we’re both married, I have two young adult daughters.  My story is not much different than anyone else’s – all A’s are the same in the end.  Two people doing something they shouldn’t be doing, then rationalizing and fantasizing, etc. to continue to keep the feel goods coming.

I was the ender, but XAP fished and continued to press for almost 2 years.  But, albeit, I enabled that.  I last spoke/saw XAP in early August.  I sent the final “do not contact me anymore” email in early October.  He fished over the holidays.  Of course, I have not responded.  I have deactivated my FB account and blocked him on my personal email.  (Not possible to do that on work email as we are in the same industry.)

I changed yoga studios (where we both went), I park in a different place at work (he no longer works here but works nearby), I do not frequent any places where we might run into one another or where he has previously stalked me.

That is my closure.  There is no way any conversation with him would bring me closure.  Because I do not trust anything he says.  His actions have never lined up with his words.  That’s the way it is in A’s.

I am learning, through counseling, what is important, to me at least, in a relationship is INTIMACY.  Not just physical, by any means.  But emotionally.  And, for me, there can be no intimacy where there are lies (especially lies of omission) and deceit.  I was once very intimate with my H and am working to re-capture that and it takes work.  But I am striving for that intimacy again. 

This is your chance to go forward and find a man that you can be intimate with – totally transparent, honest, giving and receiving true love.  Most people in A’s, especially those that want to continue to keep their lover on the hook and on the side, are NOT emotionally available, thus intimacy is not possible.  That may be why people seek that intimacy outside their M – because it’s not present in their own M.  I believe that to be true of my XAP.  BUT, if one is not emotionally available, they are NOT capable of intimacy – in ANY relationship.  And until someone wants to do the work to become emotionally available, it will never change.  More A’s will ensue, always bringing the same empty result.

I want more.  And I had it at one time with my H.  And I’m working with my T to understand why I jeopardized that.

I hope this helps in some way or resonates with you in some way.  This recent discovery regarding intimacy and true love is changing me tremendously, helping me to understand the A and my M.  And I like what I’m learning…..that I am a beautiful woman capable of true intimacy and love and I will never allow that in me to be exploited in an unhealthy relationship again.

~Sunrise

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2014
Fri, 01-17-2014 - 10:55pm

Greetings to you that is reading this testimony. My name is Andrea Ramsay, I have been rejected by my husband after three(3) years of marriage, he left me and the kid to suffer, one day when i was reading through the web, i saw a post on how this spell caster on this address babaka.wolf@gmail.com have help a woman to get back her husband and i gave him a reply to his address and he told me that a woman had a spell on my husband and he told me that he will help me and after 3 days that i will have my husband back, i believed him and today i am glad to let you all know that this spell caster have the power to bring lovers back, because i am now happy with my husband. His email again is babaka.wolf@gmail.com

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