codependence issues?
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| Thu, 05-13-2010 - 11:16am |
First time poster.
I'm male, married 11 years, two daughters 7&9 y.o., getting progressively unhappier the last 3-4 years.
What has started as a lack of communication and mismatch in intimacy between me and W turned into a full blown affair in September. My AP is a MW, similar situation to myself but as I learned, many worse issues.
During our affair, we grew very close. We had established firm boundaries from the start that we were never going to leave our spouses. But, we became very close. This affair was as much about the emotional bond as the insanely amazing sex we had. Back in January, she called quits on the sex saying her feelings were getting too strong, but she wanted to stay friends.
Also, about mid-November before things were over I discovered she is an alcoholic. Never having known one, it didn't click completely what that meant but I have a pretty good idea now.
I find myself now in the situation where the emotional side of the affair has barely changed. We don't talk about sex with each other or love with each other, but we have grown so close in a friends sort of way that we have no secrets. We've both gone as far as to disclose new no strings attached affairs which we talk about.
The problem is this: she is not stable and I still feel this need to be there for her. A need to almost be her savior, even if it affects my marriage which it is. I was there for her the night she went out and got drunk by herself, and got tossed into a cab by the bar thankfully before anything bad happened. I was there for her the time she went to a guy's place, got drunk and woke up with him date raping her. I was there for her when she started having frequent overnight stays with a single guy and her husband at first benevolent (how?) finally made her own up to an affair.
She has now not only lost control as an alcoholic, she can't seem to control her need for attention and sex either taking such huge risks as to get herself exposed. Her husband is in such huge denial - he is completely incapable of calling her out or ending things.
This last episode has been the final straw - that was early last. We talked and talked. I supported her so much, she was finally ready to turn her life around. Her husband avoids conflict so he forgave her within a few days. Then last night I find out she was with the same guy again at his place. 9 days after the last time. She has another guy that she has fallen for emotionally that she refuses to see - I'm sure she's talking to him again too.
So last night I told her enough is enough, not to expect to hear from me for 1 or 2 weeks while I sort things out. Her response, utter indifference - that hurt a lot. I think that's her weapon - she withdraws affection when she doesn't get what she wants.
In a perfect world, this should be easy to end. But despite the hurt, I get a lot out of this too. She is an amazing listener, open minded, relates to me, empathetic. But I feel the price I pay emotionally is taking a huge toll on my marriage.
Last month I left my marriage for a week to figure things out, and decided to come back. We've been in counseling. W says she doesn't trust me, that I've become secretive, that she feels I keep things from her. We've been finding new ways to communicate - I think the counseling has helped a lot. She is trying to attract me but I am having a difficult time with lack of attraction towards her. Sex was never great with her - its the one thing I feel I settled on. Thought she would improve but it got worse. Now add an additional 3 partners at a level I have never experienced and its like I'm barely interested in that with her.
How do I break this pattern of being codependent on my AP? I've never felt so mixed-up in my life. I'm so type A, independent, confident yet this woman has me on a string!

FE,
I don't think you need me to tell you that you are still in an A with this woman, only now it's called an EA (Emotional Affair). Whether there are co-dependent issues or not, the fact that you still communicate with her, worry about her, get upset over what she does or doesn't do, means you are very much "in it" still. MC is not going to help you sort out anything as long as this woman remains in your life in ANY capacity. Telling her she won't hear from you for a couple of weeks was a waste of words. Now, telling her that this friendship is OVER is saying something. It's time to go NC, and if you keep reading this board you will get a clear understanding on what that means and entails. In the mean time, there is another forum on Ivillage that would probably do you some good, even if all you do is read and learn.
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlcodep
I would also suggest that you think about IC (Individual Counseling). If, in fact, you do have a co-dependency issues, they could have derived from early childhood. Were either of your parents alcoholics? My father was, and 4 out of 5 of us kids had these issues until *all* of us confronted them later in life.
Wishing you the best,
~Iddy~
Of course you are right that its now an EA. Everything you say is true - waiting/anticipating her calls/texts/emails. Making plans together e.g. to run. The disappointment I feel when she has to cancel. Etc.
About co-dependency. Dad sometimes overdoes it at home for family get-togethers but alcoholic, I don't think so. My parents are however a real piece of work - that's like an entire other chapter I could write lol. In-laws from hell for my poor W.
Well 36 hours NC and counting. I had quite a test this morning. Stopped at a red light and there she was in the lane beside me, taking her son to school. We live in the same area but that doesn't happen often.
She texted me "hi", I deleted it immediately.
FE,
<>
Bravo! I know that wasn't easy but this is how's it done. Time to cut the cord completely. You know, there's nothing wrong with being the nice guy and helping out a damsel in distress, but when it's taken to the level of inappropriateness, it's time to thoroughly examine our real motives. Perhaps you needed the attention as much as she needed an emotional patsy. Affairs are all about using one another to get those feel goods we *think* we need. Sadly, it's not healthy validation and will only leave you begging for more. This is why
~Iddy~
Welcome to EAS. CL-Iddy covered it all in her two replies so not a whole lot to add.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Thanks all.
Had a busy weekend. Saturday night out with W for dinner and a movie. Been keeping myself busy with some landscaping projects which we did together all day Sunday.
We had the best weekend in quite some time just doing stuff together. That and NC is helping a lot already with the detachment I've felt from W for a long time. I know its a long road though.
It hasn't been easy. I'm only day 4 NC and really really miss AP, especially the "friendship" side and closeness that came from the EA. I think I need to talk more regularly with my closest friend (who knows) and look at IC as a way to vent without AP in the picture.
Question is should I break NC and tell AP that I'm ending things unconditionally or should I just leave things as they are? (recall I didn't really end things) She has not contacted me.
<>
If it ain't broken, no point in fixing it. ;-) 4 days of NC is a huge beginning but I am wondering, what are you going to do if she does contact you? See, here's the rub... With 4 days NC under your belt now, it's best to just keep plugging along with NC and keeping it that way. This means, no return txt messages, emails, or phone calls if she contacts you, right? Nothing gives a message more louder and more clearer than silence. There are no "should I be nice" rules in affairs because neither of you have been very nice to the people who trusted you
~Iddy~
"4 days of NC is a huge beginning but I am wondering, what are you going to do if she does contact you?"
Honestly, the way I see it is any contact is just going to stir up all the hurt again. I can see how easy it would be for it to turn into an exchange. Before I knew it I'd be around her finger again. The best course is to stay the course of NC and ignore her.
If she does contact, it probably will be during her next major crisis. But I'm done - there's no point in trying to save her from herself. I've watched her hit several new rock bottoms but I won't be there to pull her out of the next one. Each time I payed too dear a personal price.
If the general consensus is that I should just leave it at that, no goodbyes or well wishes, then the silence will say more than anything I could.
Thanks ladies :)
Great to read you are reconnecting with your wife and looking into IC.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Well as last night passed I hit day 7 NC.
Got another test this morning. Waiting at a stoplight on my way to work there AF appears on the opposite side of the light taking her son to school. She only lives about a mile away from me on the opposite side of a major route in the city.
I couldn't even look at her. I have no idea if she waved or even noticed me.
I feel a bit stupid because I could easily change my route to work to avoid this long light that I know she tends to be at around the same time as me. I've heard nothing from her so like many of you ladies, this guy wonders just how little everything means to her without any fishing attempts.
And like many of you, when he sees AF, he feels that deep knot tighten up in the pit of his stomach, and worries yet wants to see that text message pop up.
That message didn't pop up, and I think I would have been strong enough not to reply, but at the same time I *wanted* it to pop up to give me some validation. Selfish don't you think?
Anyhow, I think I'm going to adjust my route to one where its much less likely to see her. What a crappy way to kick off my one-week milestone.
I think your decision to find a new route to work is a wise one.