Cognitive Distortions

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Cognitive Distortions
5
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 12:36pm
Good morning, friends. I had an amazingly busy weekend with my 7 year old son's birthday (sleepover Friday night--boys were up until 1:30 a.m.!) and then a big party for him on Saturday.

1. Saw xMM on the little league field yesterday. i know i am not supposed to be wondering this, but for whatever reason, he walked all the way across the field ( i was standing on the pitcher's mound)--walked out of his way, to approach me and give me a kiss on my cheek. Later, when the games were over, he and my H were together cleaning up the field. I was doing everything i could to stay away from the two of them. He followed me to my car, said: It looked like you guys had an amazing game--i said we did (another victory!) and then i got busy with loading my car. I kind of felt like i was rude to him (that is my own codependency talking) and we said our goodbyes. We also had a problem with one of the coaches that i had to message him about on Friday. He called me 3 times but did not leave a message. I hate to ask, but can anyone tell me, why after 2 months when he has all but totally ignored me, he is suddenly walking across the field to plant kisses on my cheek?

2. I have thought a lot about obsessive thoughts and am taking MaybeKatie's advice, to "Push those thoughts away." A few of you have asked if i am in therapy and i am (both individual and marital). I spoke to my T about my problem of having to entertain every thougth that comes in my head. Basically, in short, i learned that i had to worry and analyze everything thought since i was a child--as i grew up in a dysfunctional, abusive, alcoholic household, where everyone was in DENIAL--but me!

I took some of this information from my T to the marital T on Friday and he sent me some important information called Cognitivie Distortions. (it is posted below). I do nearly all of these things. I think this new information for me can be very helpful as i try and stop the negative thinking that goes on in my brain.

3. I was inspired by Mo's desire to reduce her intake of anti-depressants. Over the last few days, i have started the weaning process and am down to only 5mgs a day. I feel really, really good about this. My T told me that at times my affect seems flat. I have decided it is time to "push thru" all of this; to get it all out; to feel it fully! The medication has served its purpose. It's starting to be time to get back to who i was!

4. This is the information from the marital therapist. I especially do "mental filter," "jumping to conclusions," and "emotional reasoning." I totally believe that "if i FEEL something it must be true."

I hope this information can be helpful to some of you!

Cognitive Distortions

ALL-OR-NOTHING THINKING: You see things in black-and-white categories. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure.

OVERGENERALIZATION: You see a single negative event as anever-ending pattern of defeat.

MENTAL FILTER: You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively so that your vision of all reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolors the entire beaker of water.

DISQUALIFYING THE POSITIVE: You reject positive experiences by insisting they "don't count" for some reason or other.In this way you can maintain a negative belief that is contradicted by your everyday experiences.

JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS: You make a negative interpretation even though there are no definite facts that convincingly support yourconclusion.

MIND READING: You arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you, and you don't bother to check this out.

THE FORTUNETELLER ERROR: you can anticipate that things will turn out badly, and you feel convinced that your prediction is an already-established fact.

MAGNIFICATION (CATASTROPHIZING) ORMINIMIZATION: You exaggerate the importance of things (such as your goof-up or someone else's achievement), or you inappropriately shrink things until they appear tiny (your own desirable qualities or other fellow's imperfections). This is also called the binocular trick."

EMOTIONAL REASONING: You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are: "I feel it, therefore itmust be true."

SHOULD STATEMENTS: You try to motivate yourself with should and shouldn't, as if you had to be whipped and punished before you could be expected to do anything. "Musts" and "oughts" are also offenders. The emotional consequences are guilt. When you direct should statements toward others, you feel anger, frustration, and resentment.

LABELING AND MISLABELING: This is an extreme form of overgeneralization. Instead of describing your error, you attach anegative label to yourself. "I'm a loser." When someone else's behavior rubs you the wrong way, you attach a negative label to him" "He's aGoddamn louse." Mislabeling involves describing an event with languagethat is highly colored and emotionally loaded.

PERSONALIZATION: You see your self as thecause of some negative external event, which in fact you were notprimarily responsible for.

All my love,

Clarice





iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 4:44pm
Having been a previous sufferer of panic attacks (my first one landed me in the cardiac unit to be released 4 days later with a panic disorder) it was cognitive therapy that set me on the right road to overcoming them.

High expectations, guilt and worry, low self esteem, etc.

What if? thinking gets us nowhere. I had to learn to live in the here and now.

elf

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 4:53pm
I'm an offender of ALL those things! In fact, what you posted is basically a laundry list of the way I live my life - on a good day.

I also grew up in a dysfunctional alcoholic household. Welcome. It does an incredible amount of damage. Occasionally I hear people say we should stop blaming our families and take some responsibility and while I agree that this is true, what a head job at such an early age!!!! I was terrified of my father, until the day he died at 74 a dry drunk. Unfortunately, he never found recovery and I thank my higher power every day that I didn't go down that road. My children are not afraid of me; in fact quite the opposite, some days they run all over me and I let them.

I've never had any idea of "normal." I've never had any boundaries and that has made me a very desirable partner, friend, lover and parent. Anyone could intrude on me at any time and I let them. In fact, I felt guilty if I didn't let them. I learned very young that I "should" please everyone and their needs were paramount to mine.

It's taken a really long time to undo the damage, and that's only been through my own recovery and working the 12 steps. I don't know if you've ever had contact with Alanon or ACOA, or you might look into them. If for no other reason than identification. What you described, the cognitive distortion, is hallmark of children growing up in alcoholic families. With all of my formal education and being a fairly intelligent 41 year old woman I still have to run things by other people; i.e. "He said such and such to me. Was that appropriate???" I have no idea how people should treat me because I'm pretty much used to being treated like crap. Not in my adult life, as a child, and old programming dies hard, if at all.

I can't remember the author, but the name of the book is The 4 Agreements. I haven't read it all but have read excerpts and it seems to present a different way of viewing your life to re-program these crazy messages we learned as children in dysfunctional households. Learning how to take care of myself has been incredibly difficult, and on any given day, I will treat myself even worse than I'd let anyone else treat me.

Thanks for sharing that list and your thoughts on this topic. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 6:44pm
what is cognitive therapy?

Clarice

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 6:53pm
the first time i went to an Adult child of Alcoholics meeting in 1985--i couldn't believe. when they read the list of characteristics, every single one of them was me. i cried and cried, knowing i had found something important--i was so relieved!

so i have done aca, alanon and even did an outpatient 5 day intensive program for children of alcoholics at a famous clinic here in the US. after that, was a year of very intense "aftercare"--some of the most meaningful and telling therapy work i've ever done.

so i totally understand this cognitive list. after i told my T that i will make up something in my head to worry about--even if i am in a good place--she told me that was very characteristic of chidlren that have been abused. it's as if, we want to get ourselves in a bad place first, before anyone else has a chance. i totally get that.

the kiss on the cheek (2 in a week) from xMM has garnered no replies/responses! maybe, just maybe, ladies, we are on to more important issues/conversations--a well that has been sprung open as we try and recover from these love affairs.

had to message the guy this mroning--about what? Little Leage (you guys can see that i will certainly be thrilled when the season is over--2 more games). Felt bad i didn't retrun any of his calls on Friday and then basically blew him off at the field yesterday (he can blow me off a thousand times, and feel totally fine about it: i do it once, and i worry, worry, worry. THAT IS CODEPENDENCY talking! Anyway, have not heard back from the guy. Instead of feeling a miserable 10 about this, i feel a 5. that's progress, right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 05-18-2004 - 7:40am
Cognitive Behavior Therapy - CBT - Present day cognitive therapy emphasizes: We have control. We determine. We are capable of living peace-filled, productive lives. We are capable of questioning, free thinking and self-determination. We only experience internally generated anxiety if we choose to. By choosing to be less affected by external events and externally generated anxiety, we minimize internally generated anxiety. Life is stressful. Both good and bad situations can cause anxiety. Marriage, low self esteem, career change, having a baby - all of these situations can cause externally generated anxiety. "If you always think the way you've always thought, you'll always feel the way you've always felt. If you always do what you've always done, you'll only get what you've always gotten." Healthy thinking leads to healthy emotions, healthy behavior and a better life. If you want to change your life, you have to start by changing your thoughts. Whenever you have learned something new you have had to seek instruction. Learning to think in positive, productive ways is a skill that takes instruction, guidance and practice.

All or nothing thinking: We feel there is no middle ground. If we make a mistake or have a bad day, we feel we are a total failure or never do anything right, rather than as just one mistake. This type of thinking is usually unrealistic since things are rarely 100% one way or another.

Negative predictions or jumping to conclusions: We predict that things will turn out negatively, often because of past experiences or emotional pain from our past. This fits our, "I'm never going to change attitude, or our belief that because one person reacted negatively everyone will. "I'll never get a date, a good job, etc."

Filtering information negatively: This often involves picking a negative detail and dwelling on it. The total emphasis is placed on our weight, our looks, our health, etc. seeing only that piece. It is healthy to look at the whole picture. Filtering involves a tendency to disqualify the positive as well. If ten people compliment us and one person says something negative, we filter out the ten and dwell on the one negative. We need to learn to let the nice things sink in. Our dialogue needs to reflect that we are learning to be a good friend to ourselves.

Mind reading: With our negative distortions we often assume that others are reacting negatively toward us. Our inner dialogue leads us to believe that people are looking down on us or are angry without checking out what may really be going on. An important skill is to learn to ask what's going on instead of guessing.

Shoulds: This type of thinking indicates things have to be a certain way. Insisting something "should" or "shouldn't" be a certain way, feel a certain way, will intensify anxiety and depression. We must learn to give ourselves permission to have certain feelings and acknowledge that a situation is upsetting or unpleasant.

Overgeneralized thinking: This includes those labels we've carried with us for so long. Listen in to your self talk. What automatic thoughts are habitually stated? What names are you calling yourself? "I'm so stupid. I'm a loser. I deserve to feel bad." Would you allow anyone else to say these things to you.

So basically.... when I finished with the CBT program I walked away with a newer attitude of "Screw it" LOL I realized that what I interpreted as today's CRISIS is usually completely forgotten about one week from now. So I had to learn to let it go.

elf