The cold, hard truth

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
The cold, hard truth
Thu, 11-15-2012 - 12:25pm

I have had a few revelations this week, and thought it would be helpful for us to share some cold, hard truths about As, why it is difficult to end them once and for all, etc.

Here are mine:

- The reason it's so hard to end an A: if one of you has even a shred of hope that the other still wants him/her, the fishing will never stop. To end it for good, the ender must go total NC and leave NO DOUBT in the xAP's mind that the ender no longer wants them. If you have to be in contact cuz of work or something, any contact must be totally impersonal, distant, and brief. No smiling. No flirting. Basically treat xAP like an annoying stranger blocking your path who you have to ask politely to get past on the street, then walk away. Or cross the street entirely.

- We all romanticize our APs. We don't know the real them and can't, because the relationship is never fully public/real. You're "in love" with a fantasy.

- An affair is a love/sex ADDICTION. You should treat it as such - it's bad for you, harming your life, could lead to majorly bad consequences, and you will have withdrawals when you kick the habit. It will get worse before it gets better. But then it will be SO much better,

- Ending an A is also a major form of grief, and it's even harder because you can't share your pain with anyone, or very few people. Validate your feelings - your sadness is real. You faced a major loss. But life goes on.

- Your relationship is not the exception. If you really loved each other enough, you would be together in a public relationship.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Thu, 11-15-2012 - 12:36pm

ahhhh....shouldn't you be packing for your train ride to Tweenerville rather than posting in awesome revelation posts? hahahah!!! Just having some fun with you :)  PM me if I am on the wrong track.

These in-a-nut-shell, cold-hard truths are soooo on the money.  Thank you for sharing them.

See you tomorrow at the Station :)



Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Thu, 11-15-2012 - 7:27pm


Great post.

You have hit the nail, squarely on the head.

Keep up the good work.

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Fri, 11-16-2012 - 10:41am

As long as we were behind closed doors (in secret), everything was hunky-dory.  The minute we were found out or someone saw us or his W called him on the carpet, he ran like a dog with his tail between his legs.

He chose me, “tested” the waters with me, I gave him the right responses, he went for it.  His AP could’ve been anyone.  It was just that I took the bait.

A’s ALWAYS end.

There really are people that do not have a conscience and use others to get what they selfishly want, without regard for others’ feelings.

We were never going to leave our spouses for each other.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Sat, 11-17-2012 - 2:35pm
"There really are people that do not have a conscience and use others to get what they selfishly want, without regard for others’ feelings." Be very careful with this statement. Some ppl think the OW is selfish and will sleep with someone else's H to get what she wants. The only victims in an A are the BS. Remember that you chose to be his "secret" and you enabled him in his lies and manipulation.