Cold indifference towards me now...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
Cold indifference towards me now...
23
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 12:20pm
Hi, It's the end of the week here and I had a mid-week run-in with XMM. We work at the same company. Well, he had to come to my area and do something and was in my building and acted like nothing has happened between us. He treated me like anyone else here. We did NOT have a discussion or chit-chat, and I avoided all eye contact. But the tension in the air was so thick you could have cut it with a knife. It made me feel so nervous and weird. I don't know if he was just "testing the waters" to see what my reaction would be since we haven't spoken for almost 2 weeks. It was the most uncomfortable encounter that I've ever had with him. On the one hand, I wanted to knock his lights out. And on the other hand, I wanted to hug him. But I did neither. I had to act like he meant nothing to me. I had to put on a false smile and treat him nicely in front of others. I don't know what's worse...having no contact or actually seeing him and having him treat me with such indifference. I don't know how emotions can be turned off like that. I don't want him back, but a little kindness or show of emotion from him sure would be nice. Instead, I feel like any other Joe Schmoe here. It reconfirms my belief that he has just picked up and moved on. I never knew he was such a cold-hearted, emotionless, indifferent man.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2004
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 12:48pm

Okay, I just have to say something here.

First, I'm sorry that you're going through such a tough time.

But second, in response to your story, is it not true that he could be saying the same thing about you? 'How can she be so aloof to me? How can she look like she's forgotten about me so soon?'

You felt the need to act like you didn't care, don't you think he had the same need?

No disrespect intended here, but I think you're thinking the worst here and maybe very unfairly.

1T

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 12:57pm
Well, you could be right. I just don't know. Maybe I am painting a bad picture of him and not putting myself into his shoes. I didn't think of it that way. The fact that he even entered my area of work was surprising to me, and I was taken off guard by it. It was uncomfortable for me, and I felt the need to look busy and unaffected by him--when inside I was screaming and crying. I am having a bit of a relapse and wish I could talk to him, but I can't be the one to pick up the phone. I guess I was just hoping that he would make an attempt to say something (anything) to me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 1:01pm

happiness -

I just want to reply to this: 'I never knew he was such a cold-hearted, emotionless, indifferent man.'

I don't know your situation, but I could see how someone's actions could appear to look this way but in reality be quite the opposite.

In my situation I had to ignore all of XMM's emails (like most everyone here...) - it wasn't easy at all for me. On the surface it could appear that I could care less about him when in reality it's quite the opposite.

I don't know your situation, and I am sure it was difficult to go through. I think that only time will tell. My therapist told me that I could say hi to XMM (we also work together but rarely see each other.) She said I cannot have long conversations with him though. She is telling me this for my own good - not with the intent of turning me into some cold, uncaring person.

I sympathize with you, but you could be wrong. Just a thought.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 2:02pm
I don't know. There are many different thoughts going through my head right now. You both could be right about this. If I am acting indifferent, then of course, so will he. I guess I'm just confused and a little sad. I have maintained the NC and it's going ok, but that run-in just made me want to talk/see him, but I know I can't. I'm just going to put it out of my mind and move on...again. Thanks for the thoughts.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 2:24pm
I was going to say the same thing as the others, he is probably reading you the same way. That you are cold and uncaring. Also, no one likes to wear their heart on their sleeve, especially men. He's hurting, in his own way. I'm sure it's just as difficult for him, he just don't want you to know it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 2:58pm

Hey.
I know it's hard to act normal in a situation like that. So first, I'd like to say that it took a lot of strength on your part, and you should feel good about that.

While I do agree w/ everyone who's said that he's probably hiding his feelings, and feels just as awkward and upset as you do - Perhaps you shouldn't focus on that part. That may only make you miss him more. We all want to know that we're not the only one suffering and miserable - and yet, instead of thinking about how he may actually be missing you too, maybe you could use his callous behavior as a tool to help you get over him - by helping you to dislike him.

I'm just assuming that's what you want in the end - to be over him and not feel any of this any more. So, not to condone negitivity - but if hating him, and thinking he's a creep helps, why not use it to benefit you? True or not.

I just wanted to give you a different angle to consider.
Good Luck
-C

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2004
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 3:47pm

I'm in agreement with most everyone else here. I know my OM could not believe I was so cold and seemingly indifferent to him after a period of NC. But that was how I had to play it more or less.


Trying to break things off earlier in our relationship I felt so bad I wanted to be sure he understood I cared but needed to end things. It took me the longest time to realize his knowing I cared and was in pain, kept the door open to him, and he would pick at it continuously until I caved.


Everyone hurts. But showing our pain doesn't help things at all. My mom used to tell me to act *as if* about whatever it was I wanted to change. Act *as if* you don't care and eventually it will happen.


Both you and he are acting *as if*. And that is how it has to be for now.


*hugs*


Someday

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 8:41pm

This is actually a question for 'someday'...
So, to end things, you had to stop all contact w/ virtually no explanation? No reasons, no anything - just a goodbye. Or did you even say goodbye? I don't mean to pry - but it sounds so hard to do.

Thanks,
-C

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2004
Sat, 12-04-2004 - 4:21pm

Hi Carolina,


Welcome to the boards. :)


To answer your question, when I instituted NC I

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Sat, 12-04-2004 - 5:53pm

Someday-

Thanks for the welcome. I finally got up the nerve to really end things - for the right reasons. (I posted a 'thank you' to everyone if you'd like to check it out. You're definitely included in that.) There's a summary of my story on there too.

I'm impressed you were able to just walk away - even on somewhat negative terms. I think that would just make it more difficult. I'm not sure what terms I left it on. I didn't even really give an explanation - I've tried to end it so many times and gone back, I felt like he'd probably heard it all before. This time, though, I only seem to care what I think of it - not him. I know it's not going to be easy - I already miss him, but it's easier to stay strong knowing that my self-respect is on the line.

I'm guessing I'm going to be hanging around here for a while. It really makes me feel a lot less crazy.

And thanks for reminding me to delete his messages - honestly I haven't felt strong enough to even log onto that account yet.

Thanks again.
-C

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