Cold indifference towards me now...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
Cold indifference towards me now...
23
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 12:20pm
Hi, It's the end of the week here and I had a mid-week run-in with XMM. We work at the same company. Well, he had to come to my area and do something and was in my building and acted like nothing has happened between us. He treated me like anyone else here. We did NOT have a discussion or chit-chat, and I avoided all eye contact. But the tension in the air was so thick you could have cut it with a knife. It made me feel so nervous and weird. I don't know if he was just "testing the waters" to see what my reaction would be since we haven't spoken for almost 2 weeks. It was the most uncomfortable encounter that I've ever had with him. On the one hand, I wanted to knock his lights out. And on the other hand, I wanted to hug him. But I did neither. I had to act like he meant nothing to me. I had to put on a false smile and treat him nicely in front of others. I don't know what's worse...having no contact or actually seeing him and having him treat me with such indifference. I don't know how emotions can be turned off like that. I don't want him back, but a little kindness or show of emotion from him sure would be nice. Instead, I feel like any other Joe Schmoe here. It reconfirms my belief that he has just picked up and moved on. I never knew he was such a cold-hearted, emotionless, indifferent man.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Sun, 12-05-2004 - 12:07pm

<>>

Carolina,
Don't feel bad about that. I haven't had the courage to get rid of all my little notes and pictures and stuff from him either. I have finally put them away where I can't see them all the time, but I just can't shred them yet. And I haven't deleted my VM messages from him yet either, but they are automatically deleted every 2 weeks, so his voice will be erased from my mind before too long. I feel scared with every little connection to him that disapears, but I know it needs to happen. It sounds to me like you are doing really really well. You're an inspiration to those of us who are having a harder time getting a grip on this whole ending!!! Sucks, but we'll get through it RIGHT????

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Sun, 12-05-2004 - 12:30pm

Pal

Thanks, it's good to know it's normal to not be able to delete him completely. I haven't even logged onto that account to read those old emails - but even if I could, I don't know that I could delete them. It scares me too - but I have to remind myself that I'm still in his mind - and even if I fade over time, at least it's mostly good memories.

<>

I'm honestly not doing as well as I sound - but I find that the stronger I sound, the stronger I feel. I just didn't start posting on this board until I felt like I was ready to quit (so, you guys missed it when I was freaking out) - and honestly, I wish I'd posted sooner, because maybe I wouldn't have kept going back the other times. I can't even describe how much this helps - even reading the stories of people who are having a hard time. Or the people who don't ever intend to stop their A's. It makes me feel like my problem is smaller - like our relationship was more normal - and that takes away my excuse to keep it around. I don't know if that makes any sense, but it helps me.

And you're right - we'll all get through it. Maybe not with the same outcomes, but we'll all be in a better place eventually.

Thanks!!!
-C

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 8:51am
Doesn't that suck??? I know exactly what you mean - OW works in the same building with me and so does her live in bf. I ran into both of them this morning. My A got discovered by my W and I ended up moving out. Shortly thereafter OW ran and hid, just when I needed her the most. I slowly picked up the pieces in order to move on, but then she re-appeared. Why I do not know. However, that has since taken a down-turn too. What I do know, is I can't be "just friends." It hurts too much. Now I'm running into someone with whom I shared so much and we barley look at each other. I haven't told her I don't want to see her again, but I'm thinking I must b/c this is killing me. I am trying to date other women and it's getting in the way of things. This is such a mess - hang in there. Just know that guys go through this too. It applies across the board.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 10:12am

Ivhappiness,

I'm an old timer around here and don't post that often on this board, but I do lurk. Your post made me wonder if we had an A with the same person.

I know exactly how you feel, BTDT. The thing is, some are good at hiding it all.

XMM and I still work together and it's still weird sometimes. I had a very rough time getting over everything and ended up in therapy because I couldn't understand any of it. 6 months after the A ended XMM and I were at work and I asked him how he does it. How he can just forget it ever happened and move on so peacefully. He looked at me and told me that there are still so many raw emotions. (I posted this story here many months ago). I was shocked. I had no clue any of it bothered him. Not that I wanted him to feel bad, I was just glad I wasn't the only one. Perhaps your XMM feels the same way. It hurts like hell to be cast aside so easily, but unfortunately we set ourselves up for it when we get involved in an A.

Just something to think about.

ALC

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 10:45am

The timing of this thread -- and my return lurking -- are really god-sends to me today. I haven't seen xMM in 21 months and I was on vacation w/my family last week and ran into him -- 700 miles from my home and 1200+ from his...and lostvoyage your sentence about "Now I'm running into someone with whom I shared so much and we barely look at each other" hit home so strongly. I shared 6 very intense, happy months with this man and we walked by one another and it shocked me so that when I said his name (I was power-walking, listening to music) and we both kind of turned, I realized he wasn't alone (I was) and he was with his father-in-law and brother-in-law and we both pretended then that I had the wrong person. But since I've gotten home, I have been obsessing....not to the extent that I used to but still, thinking about us both walking on and not even validating the friendship, closeness we had.

I do know he hurt after the A ended -- I talked with him 14 months after it ended, after he told me he had to move on with his life and put the A, and me, behind him. And funny, he gave me credit for ending it as well -- because we'd talked about ending it soo many times -- and he told me it had been hard on him and I needed to hear that to be able to move forward. Because what hurt the most was the thought that I'd never meant anything to him -- the xMM that I thought I'd known did love me but this constant doubt would pop up and it kept me stuck and I needed to hear from him -- after a lot of time had passed -- that it wasn't my imagination.

But today, I feel the need to talk with him -- to apologize for saying his name (I have no idea how loud I was because my music was so loud, but I do know that he heard and so did his in-laws)...but I also know it's an excuse to reach out. When the reality is I know I don't ever want to go back to an A with him -- but there are times that I truly do miss his friendship a lot.

I deleted all his emails when we ended it almost 2 years ago and when I was grieving I was glad they weren't there for me to read and wallow in. But there are times I wish I had them to re-read and remember that it had been real....so it can go either way. I do have some pictures of him from a trip we took together that I have hidden and pull out every now and then to look at...I can't today, I'm obsessing enough as it is.

But I do appreciate what everyone's saying because of course he couldn't acknowledge that he knew me when he walked by w/his in-laws...and what would we have talked about? That is what makes me sad...what would we have talked about? This person that I knew so well and that knew me so well and to realize even more clearly than I already have -- and I've come a long way in the last 21 months -- that he truly is not a part of my life and won't ever be again. I just didn't need the reminder, I guess.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 12:53pm
Wow - what are the chances of that happening? Statistically speaking, very small. When you realize that you probably think that there must be some devine intervention somewhere and you were meant to see this person. However, you can't think that way. I have been mulling over my situation again and again and it's driving me crazy. A good friend who knows about this has done an excellent job of spelling everything out for me which has allowed me to see how it really it is. I can see that it just won't work. It is so hard to let go though. There are a lot of women out there and I have to get stuck on this one. We shared a lot the same thoughts and emotions as you did and it all came crashing down. I can't understand how one can shut themselves off like this. I have read here about men being able to do that. Let me tell you, I think it's independent of gender. In any event, it propbably is best that you don't contact this person as you more than likely won't get anything from it except Round Number 2,112 of pain.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 1:19pm

Lostvoyage:

Running into him where I ran into him is even more incredible..imagine the biggest vacation destination for families on the east coast.....

I think we all assume that the other person has gone on with their lives and forgotten about us..I don't know why we devalue ourselves that way. When if we look at how we got through it (or are getting through it), a lot of it includes telling ourselves that we can't reach out, we have to move on, we can't lower our defenses. Yet we look at them and think, they've forgotten about me. XMM and I did the right thing by ending it -- and I am truly grateful that he stuck with no contact. We tried to be "friends" for a few weeks but it was too hard on us both -- I know that now because he told me 6 months ago when we last talked. I know there are times that he thinks about me, just like there are times I think about him. But it's different now -- it's not painful. It's just my past. And that was a hard step for me to take -- to realize he was really out of my life and to let him go. I went into ending it kicking and screaming -- not because I wanted to still be in the A, but I hated the thought of losing him in my life. Maybe one day we could be friends -- I'm friends w/a few of my ex-boyfriends but only after 10+ years. But none of them broke my heart like it was broken after this relationship.

You have to grieve -- you have to mourn the loss of the friendship, the relationship, the dream you had of the 2 of you together. The Victorians had it right -- that 1 year mourning thing. It took me 12 months to really be right with myself again. And the result, for me, has been a better marriage, a happier life that I have now compared to the life I had before I met xMM. I told my T that I was mad at myself for feeling weak and not getting over him quicker and she said it's the universe's way of showing me I can't control everything. And I can't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 2:47pm

bethstrong -

Oh man, tell me about it. I have had many relationships but this is by far the worst from a heartache standpoint. The only thing more difficult than this in my life was the day I left my kids. OW still maintains some limited contact but it has been mostly on my accord. I told myself many times that there is so much in life we can control – yet the single most important variable, we can’t. This whole thing started out as a physical attraction, mainly b/c my M wasn’t doing anything for me. I thought, hell, I’m a big boy, I won’t get emotionally involved, I can handle it – emotional involvement is a girl thing. WRONG! After a while, I began to think by accident I met what I thought was the most wonderful person – custom made for just me. She did so much for me. I never told her that I loved her though. Wanted to, but didn’t. She knows though. I was so distraught by the fact I couldn’t have met someone like this BEFORE I got married. Then one day – bing – she was gone. Didn’t hear from her for months. She one day reappeared. I told her I still had strong feelings for her and she indicated the same, but at best we only see each other once in a while for coffee and it's all superficial BS and "cold indifference". There are times we see each other and don't even speak. I am just really really confused by it all. I am causally dating someone right now – it’s a FWB thing. Frankly, I’m not her type and I don’t see it lasting long term but hey, she likes the outside of me and we do get along pretty well. I wonder if I will ever give anyone a fair chance with OW in the picture. I just can’t seem to get the courage to end it – mainly because “I hate the thought of losing her from my life.” For whatever reason she has maintained the limited contact. Perhaps we both cannot do what needs to be done. I really need to get a grip here as this is driving me crazy!!




Edited 12/6/2004 3:16 pm ET ET by lostvoyage
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 5:16pm

Lost Voyage:
It is hard...it was the hardest thing I've ever gone through in my life. There were days that I honestly thought I'd never feel any better. I'd cry in the shower in the morning and be thankful that I was the one hurting -- and not my kids and H. I have friends that their A ended it was hard and they've gone on and found very good relationships and have found great happiness. I'm a firm believer that you don't need "someone" to make you happy - to complete you, so to speak. I hope you can find someone if you want to find someone and that you can put the OW behind you one day. I do know that I still love xMM. It's not the same as it used to be - it's a nostalgic love. He is a fine man; a good father and I'm sure a good husband today. I want him to be happy. But at the same time, I want him to think of me with the same feelings -- and that's the selfish part of me. I don't want to think he's forgotten about me and hope that he thinks of me as fondly as I think of him.

Have you talked to her about missing her? Or emailed her and let her know how you feel? xMM went to NC with me - and it was what was right for us. After 14 months, I called him out of the blue one day - and we had a great conversation about us ending; the affair and how our lives were good now. It gave me such peace to hear it from him. Maybe you need the same peace? I'm not good at skirting stuff and I just put it out there so that worked for me. And the coffee, cool BS stuff is BS because you still love her; you want more than coffee - it seems as if you want a relationship. You never told her you loved her -- maybe she needed to hear it?

Some people never get closure -- I needed it and am so glad I got it. The what ifs were killing me and I've been able to put those behind me -- for the most part. I occasionally have a time where I take out my memories and let myself think of him. I find it's usually when I'm stressed at work/home. But they go away now -- they used to be constant.

Take care of yourself. This is hard!
B

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 8:09am

bethstrong,

When OW re-appeared I told her that I was hurt by her not contacting me. She said she was scared and that she wanted to make sure I left my M for the right reasons and not her. Well duh? She means a lot to me, but my home life was a disaster and the kids were becoming affected by it. That’s why I left. I also told her that I thought about her a lot and that I wanted to (at some point) pursue an above board relationship. No more uncover crap; this relationship would consist of legitimate dates, romantic dinners, all that all the time. I want to show her what a man can really do for her instead of that loser she is living with. Her response was something like that it wasn’t she didn’t want these, it was because should could because of finances. I still don’t know quite how all this happened, but she is co-owner of a house with the guy she lives with. She has a lot of debt too. I can’t make her move out or want to be with me, she has to this on her own. I have thought about throwing an ultimatum at her, but kinda in a more subtle fashion. Something like: “what are your near term plans and do they include me and if they don’t I must move on” yada yada. I am a realistic person and I think I know what the answer will be if I even get one. Because of this, I have been thinking of just ending it altogether. Yesterday I was prepared to do it and I backed down. I had a strong support contingent too, but I just couldn’t do it. I held her in my arms so many times and for once in my life I thought I had found true happiness. I never really had that with anyone before – not even STBXW. How does one let go of such a thing?

Thanks for sharing your story, it’s a big help. If it has been 21 months, I wouldn’t contact him. It’s tough I know, but you went through a lot of blood, sweat and tears to get where you are. If you feel you can gain some composure by it, than fine. If you have doubts, don’t sacrifice it. Even after all that time, the feelings are still there I'm sure. You know, I feel right now just like you did way back when; I have doubts that things will ever get better. However, I see your experience as well as others and I can see that it can.