Coming out of lurkdom...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2010
Coming out of lurkdom...
9
Tue, 02-16-2010 - 1:50pm

I HAD AN AFFAIR. I can say "had", because as of 10:15 this morning, it is no more.

I have been lurking here for several weeks, reading all the posts, and wondering how to get the strength to do what you have all done. I don't know why today was different; but everything just hit me like a ton of bricks. I had my AHA moment I guess. I am too emotionally spent to write my whole store now.

My AP was long distance, and after texting back and forth this morning as we usually do, I just couldn't take it anymore. I practically had a breakdown at work. Had to tell my boss I couldn't attend a meeting because there was something personal I had to take care of. Crying and feeling like I was going to puke I sent the text...I can't do this anymore! Got one back saying...What's up? What can't you do?...DUH!!! MEN! Sent another back telling him this was killing me...I'm a mess and I can't carry on like this. He let me know that he will not contact me again and that he will never forget me.

Unlike many I was not in love with my AP, and he was not in love with me. But there were feelings there...crazy feelings of excitement and flattery and loving the attention and I don't know what else.

Right after I got done with that I called a therapist and got an appointment right away due to a cancellation. I just spent an hour talking about all of this, and you know what...I didn't get struck by lightning...the therapist didn't throw me out of the office for being such a terrible person...


I still feel horrendous...still can't believe what I did...still sad that it is over and that I won't feel that again. But I am going to move forward...take what good I can from this and grow...use it to be a better woman...wife...mother.

Thank you to all of you for being here. This board has been a life-saver to me! I know that what I did was wrong...but to know that there is somewhere to talk about it where I won't be judged is really a Godsend...I can't tell you how much it has helped...to know that I am not alone...even though I feel like I am.

So...I am on day 1 of NC. I have deleted all of the emails, texts and messages. Deleted him from my cell phone. I know he won't contact me...which hurts too...which is stupid.


Thanks for reading. Glad I can finally post and move forward with my life.


Loopy

~ Loopy ~
~ Loopy ~
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Tue, 02-16-2010 - 2:00pm

Oh, my gosh! Loopy! You are doing fabulously well! I am very impressed! Therapist, deleting and blocking!? All in the first few hours? Man (or should I say... Whoa-man?), you are _rocking_ this ending. I am very excited to welcome you to the board and I really, really look forward to hearing more from you.

You are not alone, save that you might be alone in being the most advanced newbie EVER. We're here for you.

Congratulations and blessings.
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Tue, 02-16-2010 - 2:13pm

Hi LG,


Welcome to EAS.


Glad you ended it and set up an appt. with a T. Good for you! Although I can imagine at the moment it doesn’t feel good at all. It will in time.


Hope you stay and continue to read especially in the Healing Library near the bottom of the main EAS page.


Big hugs,


E1


Whether you think you can or you think you can’t you are probably right.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Tue, 02-16-2010 - 2:16pm

Hi Loopey-

You sound a lot like me. When I had had enough, that was it. I ended it and walked away and haven't looked back. I sought help immediately here and talked to a counselor. I am 19 days NC today and I haven't felt this good since the A started. I am so proud of you. Keep up the great work and keep reading here. It has been my salvation during the low points, which are getting farther and farther a part with each day.

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2010
Tue, 02-16-2010 - 2:26pm
Oh Loopy, I ended my A yesterday morning at about 10:40am. I'm right here with you! It feels scary thinking that I won't talk to him again. I know that on his part this was love-pretend. And honestly I'm not sure I loved him or not. After they toy with your emotions and you constantly give everything with so little in return, you stop knowing how to feel. I do know that I neglected so much....my kids most importantly and also my husband. I'm proud of you though and it will get better...eventually, but you can do it!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2010
Tue, 02-16-2010 - 2:36pm

Thank you ALL for the welcome. Dee - your posts have been inspirational I have to say! All of you have had an impact on me!


I think that all of the reading here has paid off - I knew what I had to do...finding the strength to do it was the hard part. I had read the post several pages back about the purpose of this board...and it said you shouldn't come here and post

~ Loopy ~
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2009
Tue, 02-16-2010 - 3:35pm

Loopy -


Welcome to EAS and congratulatons on taking the first step towards a better life.

NC since October 2, 2009.

&nbsp
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Tue, 02-16-2010 - 4:41pm

Dear Loopy,

I'm sorry I missed welcoming you right away. I was checking in all day until the boss came back and dumped a bunch of work on my desk. I see that you have already been embraced with warm welcomes and hugs for doing what you did today. No doubt you were ready to end this and kudos for the house cleaning and T appointment. As someone else mentioned, you are quite the newbie! I don't even have to tell you to do one thing other than now it's time for some TLC, lots of rest, and making sure you eat properly. It may all hit you like a ton of bricks later, so be forewarned that once this adrenaline rush eases up, reality will come a'knocking. That's when we will be right here standing by your side, when you open that door.

Most gals that come here have reached the "Enough is enough" point, but many aren't able to block and walk as you have. That's some strength you have there, honey, and this tells me that your A is a done deal. It's the after effects that we have to keep an eye on. Come here whenever you need to post, vent, ask questions, or start 2nd guessing yourself, and if all you need is a hug, we have plenty of those too.

Again, welcome to our community.

((Hugs))

~ Iddy~

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Tue, 02-16-2010 - 5:46pm

Dear Loopy,

Welcome (-:

When I was done, I was done too! Just like that. He spent the night just four nights before, but when that bolt of lightening hit me, well I was so done with it all. Now that was 4 weeks ago, and LC has gotten the best of me, but with the wisdom of this board, I am focusing on fighting those demons one day at a time. I know for certain I won't slide back, well rather, if I do, it's a trip up on the way to finally being out. I think sometimes in the beginning it takes a few tries, like leaving any really unhealthy relationship. We get just far enough out, and then get afraid of facing the hurt and loneliness, and run back into the fire. That's why I have found therapy so important and this board. So that when my own issues of fear surface, my first instinct isn't to run right back into the flames.

So again welcome and I look forward to learning and growing from the wisdom you have to offer,

j.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2008
Tue, 02-16-2010 - 9:43pm

WOW LG... What a day for you....