Coming out of the Woods!
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| Fri, 10-08-2004 - 1:33pm |
I will be away this weekend, so I wanted to check in and say hello! It's been a great week!
I feel strong, stable, and have not had the urge to contact xOM. I am actually starting to FEEL like I don't WANT to hear from him! It's so much easier. I really hope that my obsessing days are over...we never officially ended things, so I was feeling like I was kind of hanging last week (Like, I want to be done, but he doesn't know that so why aren't I hearing from him?) But this week, I really am starting not to care! I did get a little freaked earlier in the week when I got a brief email from him, but I calmed down and got past it. I definitely still have thoughts of him, and don't look forward to running into him at work, but I feel so much more even and detatched from him. It's a great feeling!
A major turning point for me was realizing that I am beginning to get over romanticizing our physical connection. I say BEGINNING to get over, because I still get very weak and shaky when I see him, but I am making progress. As recently as 3 weeks ago, I used to feel like I'd be "missing out" by never kissing him again or being with him. I knew I wanted to end things, but I SOOOOO craved that "alive" feeling I got when he touched me. But guess what!? I was thinking about it yesterday, and now the thought of being with him feels wrong. I'm definitely not repulsed or anything...I am still attracted to him...but the thought of sharing something so intimite and personal with someone who will never share anything other than his body with me makes me sick. He's not evil, but he doesn't have my best interests at heart. I've always known these things, but it never felt real until now. It's like I'm finally starting to get my head back on straight!
I'm not home free, I know. That's why I need to lay low at work for a while and stay strong. I will have to see him inevitably, and one day I will be ok with that. For now though, I am going to celebrate these feelings. H is trying at home and I feel closer to him than I have in a while. I am so thankful for him, and so thankful for all of you for helping me get through this.
Things are looking up! It IS possible, so stay strong and positive. We'll all get there!
Lily


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I'm so glad to hear this from you! Congratulations, it sounds like you are well on your way to getting him out of your head.
I still teeter-totter between NOT wanting to hear from him and still longing for closure.
I think you summed it up well: "the thought of being with him feels wrong. I'm definitely not repulsed or anything...I am still attracted to him...but the thought of sharing something so intimite and personal with someone who will never share anything other than his body with me makes me sick. He's not evil, but he doesn't have my best interests at heart. I've always known these things, but it never felt real until now. It's like I'm finally starting to get my head back on straight!"
Here's toasting to all of us who have come so far - we can do this and we will get back to our old selves soon.
Thanks and have a great weekend!
Well put, and my feelings exactly. To a "T". I've been three weeks since seeing him, and I don't miss him at all. It's been a week since I've actually talked to him, and don't miss that, either. He did call my cell phone on Monday, but I neither answered it or called him back. It's like I'm Rip Van Winkle, having woken up from a long nap. Suddenly, it is all so clear to me. I'm sorry it took my H and I separating for me to really realize the depths of my denial.
My OM definitely didn't have my best interests at heart. He had HIS best interests at heart. He didn't truly care about me. I wanted to believe he did, and, sure, he acted like he did when I was with him. But he didn't. He cared about himself. He never went out of his way for me. Ever. I, on the other hand, did. Many times. My choice and my fault, I realize.
I don't know why it's easier for us women to romanticize the physical aspects of a relationship. It has to be some darn Harlequin romance novel or Hollywood movie. Maybe that's the only way we can justify it in our minds.
Anyway....thanks for your words of wisdom.
Silly
NOT MISSING IT AT ALL!!!!!
So happy that you are feeling better...I believe it does get better. The old cliche that time heals all wounds seems to ring true.
Some days are harder than others but I know we can get there too. Hopefully in due time we will be just checking in here to give words of strength and encouragenment to those unfortunate victims who will be going through what we are going through.
Enjoy your weekend.
This weekend marks my 5th year anniversary and we are bringing my son so my sister in laws so we can have some alone time.
Let the blinders be lifted and allow us to see that we really dont have it that bad at all. Boredom and insecurities leads us to do some pretty dumb stuff.
xo!!
Dipps
Wrkng...Cheers! I happily toast with you! :) Thanks for everything this week!
Silly..."Maybe that's the only way we can justify it in our minds." You are so right. I also made him into more of a friend than he EVER has been to me, just to justify things. I couldn't face being used for sex, so I romanticized our "friendship" and feelings. No more!
Dipss...HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!! I hope this weekend will be a new beginning for you! Congratulations, and yes...let the blinders be LIFTED!!!
Love you guys! Have a great weekend!
Lily
You sound real good, The road to freedom is paved with personal honesty, lies are like quicksand.
Enjoy
Free
I too am getting to the point where I know that, even if exMM called, and say we met again, I would not let him touch me if he wanted to. Mostly b/c its wrong, but also b/c he treated me so poorly that I would never have any respect for myself again if I let him get any more sex out of me. I am still attracted to him, no question...but its too late for that.
I am still thinking about him though...and a couple things have happend that make me think he has tried to call or wanted me to contact him...but nothing's definite so I will NOT do it...even if was trying to send me a signal...screw him. If he's not man enough to contact me directly for fear of what I might say, I'm sure as hell not going to make any move toward HIM!
I am making progress daily, sometimes I allow myself to think about what happened at length, but mostly when he pops into my head, I try to think of something else right away. I've even gotten to the point where I can hear certain songs that remind me of him, and not get upset.
Baby steps...but its been almost 7 weeks, and I've come so far, alraedy...
Anyway, enough about me...congrats again Lily!
I want to come out of the woods now. I am so tired. I have had NC for 24 days. But right before that it was over 4 months and then he contacted me. I only responded after two weeks of constant contact and his promises that he was now ready to get a divorce. But within hours of seeing him for the first time in 4.5 months he began to back peddle. And after about a month of contact it was clear that he still was not going to take any action for me.
It has been one year since I left my H and MM changed his mind and stayed with his W. I have cried so many tears. I followed through with my divorce. I have had periods of NC and short periods of contact over the last year. But I only had sex once with MM the whole year.
I learned this last time that he still loves me and misses me all day every day like I do. But still he won't take the action of divorce. So NC is the only healthy thing I can do. I have grieved for one year. I have been all alone (i have my kids half the time) If I keep holding on to hope I will waste my life.
I almost died from this because the love and pain and sadness have been so strong even after months of NC. But I did survive. I made it through the worst. I am ready to make it the rest of the way through the woods now.
All of the postings sound so familiar and they help me to be strong.
Sending you a big hug and telling you it's going to be ok! What a tough situation. You must have gone through pure hell! You are right- no contact IS the only healthy way out of this for you. Stay strong- you can do it and we are all here to help you. Post often and read a LOT! It is the main thing that's getting me through this.
I wish you the best of luck! We're here for you!
Lily
I can only imagine how hurt you must feel. Not only at the loss of the MM but also your H. That's two relationships to grieve over...
I almost left my H for exMM. Luckily, I was able to salvage my M after it was clear that exMM couldn't leave his W and kid. In the back of my mind, I KNEW for a long time before he finally left that he would never actually do it, but refused to ackowledge my gut feeling. That resulted in more pain and anguish for me. It sounds like you KNOW things aren't going to work out with you and MM. I advise you to listen to your heart, and go on with your life.
What helped me the most was focusing on my future. As much as I miss exMM, and still in the back of my mind wish he'd contact me, I know he won't be part of my future...so why waste energy worrying about him? The past is irrelevant except to learn from.
I wish you strength, you have already been through so much and are still standing, so I am sure you can make it through this next phase of healing. NC is definitely the way to go...don't put yourself out there for this man to hurt you again.
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