Coming out of the Woods!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Coming out of the Woods!
18
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 1:33pm
Hi Everybody!

I will be away this weekend, so I wanted to check in and say hello! It's been a great week!

I feel strong, stable, and have not had the urge to contact xOM. I am actually starting to FEEL like I don't WANT to hear from him! It's so much easier. I really hope that my obsessing days are over...we never officially ended things, so I was feeling like I was kind of hanging last week (Like, I want to be done, but he doesn't know that so why aren't I hearing from him?) But this week, I really am starting not to care! I did get a little freaked earlier in the week when I got a brief email from him, but I calmed down and got past it. I definitely still have thoughts of him, and don't look forward to running into him at work, but I feel so much more even and detatched from him. It's a great feeling!

A major turning point for me was realizing that I am beginning to get over romanticizing our physical connection. I say BEGINNING to get over, because I still get very weak and shaky when I see him, but I am making progress. As recently as 3 weeks ago, I used to feel like I'd be "missing out" by never kissing him again or being with him. I knew I wanted to end things, but I SOOOOO craved that "alive" feeling I got when he touched me. But guess what!? I was thinking about it yesterday, and now the thought of being with him feels wrong. I'm definitely not repulsed or anything...I am still attracted to him...but the thought of sharing something so intimite and personal with someone who will never share anything other than his body with me makes me sick. He's not evil, but he doesn't have my best interests at heart. I've always known these things, but it never felt real until now. It's like I'm finally starting to get my head back on straight!

I'm not home free, I know. That's why I need to lay low at work for a while and stay strong. I will have to see him inevitably, and one day I will be ok with that. For now though, I am going to celebrate these feelings. H is trying at home and I feel closer to him than I have in a while. I am so thankful for him, and so thankful for all of you for helping me get through this.

Things are looking up! It IS possible, so stay strong and positive. We'll all get there!

Love,

Lily
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 1:31pm
<>,

Lilyann,

I saw these words that you wrote and I SO want the same for me. Yesterday was my first day of NC. I came onto this board about a month ago and stopped. It hurt too much to read all the truth and to see myself in everyone else here.

I, of course, went back to the old patterns and habits. Told myself I could be his "friend" but the minute he says something "personal"...I go back to the "Love" and he acts like I am the one who started things up again. ANYWAY..I want to come on to this board everyday instead of trying to talk to him. I will update my progress and read all of the great things all of you "veterans" have to say. I made a whole day yesterday but tomorrow I will be at work where I have easy access to him (his wife doesn't go to work with him :) and, he, of course, gets bored and wants to email me and call me while he is there. I am such a wonderful source of entertainment to him in SO many ways). Anyway, that will be the true test. Keeping it professional and not caving to the same old same old. How long can I continue this horrible vicious cycle? Part of me hopes he starts in on me with the "feelings" so I can smack him down, but I know this is about ME, not HIM. I just want it to stop no matter how..this board is where I will start. Sorry if I drive you all crazy, but I really really need help with this...

Hang in there with me....I would like to celebrate a NC anniversary that is longer then a day....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 2:44pm
Need2BeFree,

It took me several tries, too. Lots and LOTS of chats with him, attempts to be the "cool girl" who can handle being friends, and even more hours torturing myself wondering what he REALLY thinks about me, etc. What finally broke the "horrible, viscious cycle" for me was one last encounter...we still have never had intercourse, but when we fooled around a few weeks ago, we were VERY unsafe and careless. We came dangerously close and it would have been very easy to have a terrible accident. The thought of my selfishness and reckless behavior made me physically ill the next morning. I realized how many lives could be DESTROYED because I wanted his affection and he wanted an orgasm. Sorry to be so blunt, but it is true. I looked at my husband and FINALLY thought "How can I do this to him?" He isn't perfect, but he would give me the world and we love each other very much. To think that I could have gotten pregnant or gotten a disease and given it to him was a REAL wake-up call. I looked at my husband and a switch flipped...I knew I had to be done and that I would never touch him again. I dealt with the same things you are...we both get bored at work, he emails or IMs, I respond, etc. But suddenly all of that became SO unimportant and my blinders finally were lifted.

I still kind of miss him, and I do think of him often. I'm not sure how I will react when I run into him at work. It's inevitable. But I do know now that my heart is finally in the right place and that I will never again betray my husband.

Be strong, and you WILL get there! I promise! I was a wreck 2 weeks ago! We're hanging in there together, and you aren't driving anyone crazy! I've posted like a madwoman, and everyone has been so nice and supportive. We've all been there, so everyone understands.

Keep posting and checking in!

XOXO

Love,

Lily
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 5:06pm
Hi NEED2BFREE..

I just wanted to say..Congrats on one day with NC!! You can do it..its not easy but it can be done and you will be much better for it!!

HUGS

MB

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 5:15pm
THANKS! I really really really x a billion needed to hear that! At midnight it will be 2 days! If I get through tomorrow (first work day of the week) it will be just unbelievably fantastic! I know if he contacts me (can't block his emails at work)it will suck, but if he doesn't it will suck too. I'll take the latter...

Thanks again! I need all the cheerleaders I can get!

Love you all!

Need2

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 5:19pm
Need2,

Hip Hip Hurray! Consider us your cheerleading squad! You CAN do it, and I hope to hear from you after work tomorrow telling us how well you made it through the day!

We're here for ya!

Love,

Lily
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 5:22pm
NEED2...

Blocking work email may not be an option, you do have the choice to NOT respond unless it is business related. My XMM had all of my email addresses and when I would not respond to from one (I am a BIG believer if you email ME I WILL respond) he would send to all of them..LOL.

When I would get one that sounded a bit frantic, I would just simply say "I am sorry, I never read your other emails. I must have missed them somehow."

Read them, if they are business respond. If they are of a personal nature and he asks about you not responding maybe you could say you never received them. The first "not responding" is the hardest. It gets so much easier as time goes by..the urges pass..the free feeling sets in and you just learn to be relaxed again!

You have made it almost two days now..thats such a great feat! Congrats!! A few more hours and another day will have gone by and before you know it..a week!

Keep strong!

Hugs

MB

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 6:03pm
hi everyone:

thanks for your support. Today is 25 days and it is hard. I realize I really blew it when I had over 100 days and I responded to his contact and we saw each other. I blew it because he didn't change--our situation didn't change and now we both initiated NC again and I only have 25 days and it is painful and hard. It would have been so much better to keep going. I know he is in pain too and that is some comfort. But I don't have to know anymore. The more I hear about his life going on without me cuts me like a knife. So I don't want to know anymore.

I feel different this time because the usual wanting him to call me in the back of my mind is not there the same way--I know where it will all go---nowhere--and back to square one with pain is not my idea of a good time. Its been too long. I want to write here someday that I got over this. If NC will do that for me--I will do it all the way this time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 6:29pm
First of all, I feel totally out of the loop not being able to post during the day -- y'all are able to do this at work -- this board is one of the blocked sites (due to content i suppose) at my office. So by the time I see all the threads, y'all have solved the problems ;-)

Survive--you are an inspiration -- 25 days is still great -- just don't cave if he emails again and you'll be home free :-)

(easy advice to give -- I haven't yet had to face contact from my XOM -- it's been 12 days -- hopefully I will heed my own advice!!)

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