In complete darkness
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| Tue, 06-29-2010 - 10:21pm |
Hello ladies;
Hope everyone is doing well. I am not and havent been for quite sometime. I swear I dont know what is wrong with me. I am starting NC today "AGAIN" and I really really really hope that I am still welcome here. XMM made contact with me and I did well I ignored his message. He then sent me a second message. I held off and then I BROKE. Well I do have good news if you can call it that. The A did not spark again. That is DEAD! GONE!! But there was a little communication back and forth. A touch of flirting and casual chat. Anyway the bad news is I am feeling worst than EVER! Not only he initiated it he even ignored my last message. Of course I felt so horrible and what did I do you ask? I sent a couple more messages to follow the one he already ignored. Yup you got it he didnt respond to those as well. I really am not sure why I torture myself this way. I felt so depressed where it was effecting me physically. I felt as if I had to vomit. I mostly enjoy hot showers as it is the only time I just take a time out for me almost as if I am cleansing. He was in my thoughts and I just couldnt stop crying. My tears were washing away. I woke up this morning and my first thought was XMM. Terrible way to start the day. I am scared that I will never heal from this. I really am. I have tried for 2 years to get away. I just want to cry right now because I want him but I dont want him. Actually I regret to ever have met him. I wish I never got invoved with him. I am in a dark spot and I dont know how to get out of this horrible place. I have recieved so much amazing advice on here and I dont want any of you to think that it was taken for granted. I read it everyday before bed to calm my sadness so I can get some sleep. It works. I just didnt want to admit my weakness to anyone. I am scared and weak. I sont feel as strong as some of you on here. What if this is the only man I will ever love. I am also questioning myself here. What the heck am I feeling? Love? Infatuation? Obsession? last 2 scared the crap out of me. I dont want to be that.
I really have deep pain here and I am angry that he can just disregard me that way. Why? He doesnt even have the decency to tell me to Eff OFF. well I guess he did. And I suppose many of you think he owes me nothing as I owe him nothing. I was NEVER treated in this manner before.
Once upon a time he was so into me. Well if you remember I received that message from his W and she did say that there were "others" is that why he lost his interest in me? As I was typing the last sentence I just had a little logic kick in and thought "others" he has a W???? so confused. I feel so jealous over the other other women??? Please make some sense for me here. I cant for the life of me I just cant!
Please advise.

shhhh, shhhh... baby, you're going to be ok. I promise.
btdt. Broke. went back. got stomped. cried in the shower -- went to the emergency room suicidal(ish).... I know EXACTLY what you're going through. Right down to to being jealous of the "others" even though he has a wife. wtf moments abound.
Of course you're welcome here. Just as much as any other little lost bird. Open arms and nothing but love and prayers of support for you and _anyone_ who wants to heal. You want off this roller coaster and we are here to help you do that.
Keep posting and (re)reading. You're perspective will have changed from the first time you read, so pls re-read and (hopefully) more will resonate with you this time.
Much love,
Dee
Hi live,
I am so sorry that you are hurting tonight. I know EXACTLY how you feel. Your pain is real. What you are feeling is what we have all felt.
You have got to let go. It is a process. It doesn't happen over night. It happens over time. It can only happen with NO CONTACT. I know that you've heard it all before, but it's true. You won't get over this until you let it go.
I know you don't feel strong right now, and that's okay. You have to build up your strength, one minute at a time.
Keep reading on here, all of the wise advice from the ladies who have been through it all. They survived... I survived... you will survive too.
Sending you big hugs tonight, hang in there my friend... don't give up.
-Angel
thank you I needed something tonight and coming here is exactly what it was. I read your replies and my tears just rushed. Not sure why? That I feel understood when I dont even understand it myself? Yes! It means so much to me. You have no idea.
Dee- really? I have had those horrible thoughts and it scared the Bejezzes outta me. I wont ever in reality try to harm myself. I dont think that is the answer. I know its not the answer! But it is the pain that I am feeling. I feel as if there is no escape from this. I even went on vacation and all I thought about what XMM.
Reading here has really kept me from going completely insane. Although I didnt control my urges to respond.
Angel- I hope to survive this as you and others have. I really do. I cant take it anymore! I just cant!
XXXOOO
Yep. for reals.
I hurt so much and couldn't see a future that didn't involve more of the same. Went on meds, which only numbed me.... thank God. It took only time to come out of that "complete darkness". We are stronger than we give ourselves credit for. Too bad we can't know that when we really _need_ to know it. I went soooo low. But, I am better now and you will be too!!! I'll admit I'm still far from healed, I still hurt A LOT - I can't even fake bravado.... yet, I'm 100% certain now that my future will be better and I'm committed to f*cking fighting for it.
If you ever doubt that there are people out there who "get you", remember me.
xoxoxo
Dee
Hello LLL (not sure how to shorten your name :))
I remember feeling this way- it was about this time last year. My A ended, but we kept circling back to each other. We'd chat and then he'd stop responding, so I'd keep sending pathetic messages, only to be rejected over and over again. I remember sitting on my back stoop, alone, drowning my sorrows in beer and believing that I would always feel like that. Then the A restarted in August, more intense than it had been in the past until I finally ended it for good in January... so I felt like you are feeling for months. One day I woke up and realized that I was choosing to feel this way and that I could stop it all by ending the A, so that is what I did and never looked back.
I know you are hurting by his sudden lack of response, but believe me, he is doing you a favor. I know rejection hurts, but now you are free. You can move on. No more throwing your dignity down the toilet. No more leading a double life. No more scurrying across the ground to gather all the crumbs he's left for you. Maybe he delivered the final blow by choosing not to respond, but you have a choice now too. You can either lament the loss and wallow in self pity, or you can see this for what it is- a true blessing and the first step to getting your life back. I know it's hard to see that now and I know it really hurts, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Your new life begins now and we will all be here to cheer you on.
Hugs,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Dear LLL,
Woman, I know how you feel. Right down to the 'holy crap - he contacts me and then when I respond back - poof, he's gone'!!!. Yup, because he got what he needed and never thought to wonder what you needed.
This has happened to me so many times - including times during earlier attempts at NC. He would contact me with some urgent issue (e.g. suicidal thoughts) ... then I would jump fully in and rescue him and then he would be gone again, back to his RL - freshly validated by his favorite doormat. I would be left spinning with unmet needs. But, it wasn't appropriate for me to call on him. And he knew that I would respect that boundary and call on my friends to rescue me, yet again, from the aftermath of being exposed to him.
God, that was an awful time in my life, and only a few months ago. I remember it like it happened this morning. Those feelings of hurt and disappointment - the 'how could you?' is a question that haunts me. Ya, and I get it. No rules in affair land. When push comes to shove though, more times than not, it is the women here who give totally and completely of themselves and what's left in the end are shells. Empty shells where a whole human being used to live.
But - now I know that there is no more new pain. I won't allow him close enough to me to hurt me anymore. Like Jane, I realized I could make different choices and I wasn't going back. I decided to pour myself back into my real life, and it is paying off. I recently resigned from my work contracts with him to ensure he is kept away - and while I am still reeling from that decision, I am so proud of myself for making that decision. Only months ago I would have been trying to figure out how to get more joint work for us so that we could be together. Not any more. Gosh - the things we do/did.
Hang in there - crap ya, btdt. And we KNOW what it feels like, and we KNOW that it will get better.
Please know that we are here for you, shining lightness into the well so that you may see your way out. Now start climbing.
((hugs))
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Hi Jane
Thank you for allowing me to see this in a new perspective. I really felt like I had given up my choice and gave it all to XMM. Allowing him to make the choice for what will happen next; whether or not he will want to talk to me; how I will feel etc. But even though he made the final blow and it was a big hit to my head I was so relieved to read that I STILL have the choice. To either continue in my pain or overcome it :-D I DO HAVE A CHOICE!!! YAY! I just got back an inch of my power back and I want to hang on to that! I felt as if I gave him ALL of me and I was physically ill. I am still feeling horrible but at least I have a choice! THANK YOU SO MUCH!
To have people like yourself to understand what I am feeling and the pain I am living with the last 2 years is a relief to me! One of the most horrible things I believe is when you are not understood and ppl make light of it. I have a friend that knows about this XA and although she does mean well she will constantly tell me "it wasnt a relationship; why is it so hard for you?" It was not easy to explain. It is very painful and when I would speak of it I felt as if I was a "nutcase" for feeling this way.
I hope you are feeling some freedom and I am hoping to find it myself soon. I thought I had blocked his number but for some reason my provider didnt lock it in. I called them today and I asked to to make sure that this number is blocked. They assured me it was! I too think the farther away they are the easier my path to healing will be. But the whys? they haunt me :( Oh I hate this and hate that this had to happen. The regrets!!! Maybe just maybe some good will come out of this?
thank you for your support and empathy! xox