completely confused
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| Mon, 08-09-2004 - 12:49pm |
His wife asked for divorce in Jan. He was so Hurt by how she did it and is still reeling. Divorce was finalized in May. I stupidly told him in Feb or early March that I would probably stay with H for 5 years- he said he would wait...I separated from H in end of May and told my X a few days later. I felt like I needed to figure things out and do it right and I needed to do this without him in a sense...my X did not know what I was thinking or doing-- only that I loved him and wanted to be with him.
He decided to move on and wanted a relationship there (We were LD) and basically told me he was no longer in love with me...he did not know I had gotten separated...I told him...it was a mess....
Anyway, he wanted to be friends and said he would always be there for me etc... That was over 2 months ago. We have talked a few times and emailed a few times...but I realized he was not there for me at all. This would be fine if he did not want to be friends, but he would tell me that the friendship was so important to him. I think it hit me when I was going to be in his area this past weekend and he just said he was going to be busy all weekend and did not have time to talk. I had not really ever told him how hurt I was or what a jerk I thought he was for making a unilateral decision without talking to me and on top of that he did it thinking I would be with H for the next 5 years-- that was his major reason fro ending it.
Anyway-- I ended up calling him at about 11pm and he gave me directions to his house. We talked until 5am. I basically was able to tell him how I felt and how hurt and confused I was by his actions. He understood how confused I was and was sorry he had hurt me. He could not really explain what had happened and agreed that alot of things were miscommunications. The biggest issue was the distance. It just hurt. It was such a difficult discussion. I told him everything I felt-- including that I wanted him to hurt as much as I was hurting in alot of ways...that I knew that was not right but it was how I was feeling...he understood and was so sorry. I said it made no sense to me that he just "fell out of love" after loving me for 20 years...that just does not happen. As we had talked about with his XW you do not fall out of love - it is a process that happens over time. To me that meant he could not have loved me. He said he was probably still in love with me but did not think it would work out in the long run...he admitted he did things wrong and should have talked about his concerns and not just blind-sided me. He realized that he was wrong in how he did things and was so sorry he had hurt me. Yet he would not open the door to try to talk and see where we were...but he knew he was wrong in what he had done.
He then said he hoped we could always be freinds. That our friendship was so important to him. At that point I blew up and told him he was not my friend...had not been there for me during my break-up of my marriage. He was just saying he wanted to be friends to make himself feel better. I said we talked 21 times in the first 2 weeks after your W asked for D. Do you know how many times you have called me - let alone asked me how things were going?...basically none...his eyes filled up with tears and he put his arms around me and told me how sorry he was. He thought I was fine with my break-up of my M and that I did not need any help...I was dumbfounded...I had called the weekend before he ended things to tell him what I had done (ie my M was basically over). I called so many times and just wantde to talk to him...he had gone away for the weekend. I just wanted to talk to him and lean on him - the same way he had leaned on me. He said he was incredibly sorry and felt like he let me down again and wanted to be there for me. He asked if he could call me and be the friend he wanted to be. I told him he had bailed on our relationship - how could I trust he would not bail on our friendship and on top of that how do you go about being friends at this point. Can we be friends? He said as long as you do not tell me not to call I will call...and you can decide if I am being the kind of friend you would want me to be.
I left...he called the next day to make sure I had made it back to where I was staying. He called the next morning as I was leaving on the plane and he just sent an email telling me he will call tonight.
I am not sure what he is doing. I think he feels awful for not being the friend he professed to be and feels incredibly guilty about that. In a sense being my friend makes him feel better about himself. I know this sounds terrible- but I am glad he feels guilty about how he behaved...but I am not sure what to do at this point. I was not expecting this kind of reaction...to be honest after the conversation this weekend I still love him and want the US...and that is not good. He may still have feelings for me, but would never act on them again and it is definitely over in his mind...so it is back to being a mess again.
What should I do and what is going on??
tb

What to do, WAIT and in time you will see what his motivations are, if there guilt his calls and e-mails will drop off then stop.
If friendship they may not be so often as you would like but they will mean something when he e-mails or phones.
Free
I think he thought about waiting 5 years for me and then talked himself out of loving me- he convinced himself he was not in love with me. Now I realize how easy it is to convince yourself of something. It is crazy. It would definitely be easier in some ways to start anew, but he does not want to close the book either. We did this 20 years ago and allowed miscommunication and stupidity get in the way. I was young and unsure of myself and he thought he was doing the right thing. Maybe I am trying to convince myself that there is still a chance - I honestly do not know.
I just got off the phone with him and I told him this. He said he did love me and still does but thinks there is just something about us that would not work in the long run. I asked him can he really give up without giving us a try-- seeing if it would work. He is going to call tonight at 6pm...what do I do?
tb
You really can think/double-think and just plain over-think yourself into oblivion with the whole he-said-she-said thing. Even more so when you start going into the "but what did he/she really MEAN?!" thing.
He's told you he does have love for you, but for whatever reason he does not believe you two would go the distance. That's honesty. Know that it would have been as hard to say those words as it was for you to hear them. Sometimes people say what they actually mean and sometimes they are brave enough to do this even knowing what the say might cause pain to the listener.
Know that it really is nothing you've said or done that's changed how he feels. The whole "if I hadn't said 5yrs" thing is baseless. Chances are that when he divorced he found himself in a position where he was forced to re-evaluate himself. The whole "who am I - why am I here - what do I want out of life?" thing. Often these answers change right along with or shortly after major life changes for which divorce certainly qualifies. Our priorities change and we often change right along with them as does whatever it is that we want/need/desire.
If you genuinely love this man, let him go, TB. And let him go while he can still ask that of you rather than forcing him to demand it.
That means truly letting go as in getting on with your life, filling the void in yourself that only you & you alone can fill, re-wiring head & arse back together appropriately, and yes even eventually dating others who are free and do want to be with you.
Until you can make the shift towards truly accepting that it's over, you are doomed to perpetuate your current frame of mind. If, "life is what happens when you're busy making other plans," what are you doing with your life?
Know also that we are here, many of us have survived the fear, loss & grief you are experiencing, know just how hard it is to make that shift and we will be here to catch you when you fall.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
When someone tells you who they are Believe them.
When I left I was not sure what he was thinking or feeling. He told me that he wanted to work at the friendship and as long as I did not tell him not to call he would call. He has called 4 of the last 5 days and is trying to be the friend he so wants to be. The conversations are nice and easy in some ways and very supportive. I don't understand how he thinks he can move on like this. It makes no sense-- except that he felt guilty for not being there for me like I was for him.
So now I am left with the choice-- to be friends or not. I think I have come around to most people's view-- the friendship is too hard right now. I don't want to be just friends. I want it all. I guess I was just fooling myself-- thinking if I am hanging around here he will remember what made our relationship so important. I think the not knowing why he decided to bail is what is so hard. He is the one who believed in us so much and it is just hard to see this go without ever really giving it a chance.
I guess I am thinking of telling him I want it all or nothing. That the friendship thing is too hard for me. If he is willing to give us a chance and see if it would work then that is great and I would be willing to fly down once a week for the next few weeks to see if we can work it out...just hanging out and re-adjusting to our new situations and seeing if we can be together...if not then I need to get on with my own life and figure out how to be happy without him in it.
My guess is- he will say he wants to be friends but doesn't think hanging out will change anything between us. He is going to call tomorrow again.
tb
I expect that he is as every bit confused as you are, trying to push anything now is more then likely a mistake your going to regret.
Haveing your life stuffed into a barn has got to mess up how you see yourself and the world, he is going to need time to sort himself out without anything more being put on his plate.
If I were to suggest anything it would be to give him some space to deal with his new world, he needs to sort himself out before he is going to be fit to help sort you two out.
JMHO
Free