Confessed to hubby extent of feelings
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| Tue, 04-05-2005 - 10:26am |
My husband and I have been married one year, together for four. In the last few months, I've been overwhelmed by my attraction to our mutual friend. I thought about him, fantasized about him, flirted with him, and plotted ways to spend more time with him.
At first I thought I could control my thoughts and use them as a way to spice up our own married lovelife, and that was true, at first. Soon, my mind turned on me, and the thinking and fantasizing was relentless.
I never confessed my feelings to our friend, but I knew he wanted me too. We never spoke about our attraction, we never hugged or kissed, but we knew we'd rip our clothes off in an instant if given the chance.
I was never "in love" with him; I just wanted to sleep with him maybe once. I never wanted to divorce my husband or leave him for our friend.
Finally, I realized the extent to which I was harming my marriage, and I confessed my feelings of attraction to my husband over the weekend. Although I never deceived my husband, never wanted to leave him, never did sleep with our friend, my husband is reacting like he caught us in bed. He's searching his mind to recall any suspecious behavior, he's questioning my love for him, he's gone up and down and up and down.
I'm trying really hard to be supportive and listen to his fears and reassure him. We cut off contact with the friend, who is also upset by these happenings. I mean, tough for him, this is about my marriage, so his needs don't count.
I thought being truthful would be helpful and explain to my husband why I was growing distant. I want to re-dedicate myself to him, but now he's checking my phone for calls, asking me to block emails, and questioning me when I go anywhere. I understand his paranoia, and I've gladly blocked calls and emails and been completely open when and where I go places. I tell him he can spy on me anytime and find my life to be an open book at this point.
I guess my question is, how long will this go on? Surely, physical attractions are normal, and I didn't act on it - I cut it off before it went too far, but my husband is so depressed at the thought that I'd want anyone else that he's seriously reconsidering how he views me as a person and wife. On the inside, I'm screaming, "what are you, the thought police?? I can't even look or think about other men?" On the outside, I'm trying very hard to be patient and understanding. He thinks that even becoming enamored by another is sign enough that I don't love him and that it means I must want a divorce, even sub-consciously, which I don't! I question his dedication to our marriage, because it seems like he's looking for a reason out; it's like he wishes I had done something to make it easier for him to leave.
We're in the process of buying our first house, and he's actually told him he's already been thinking about who will get it! When I ask him about our future, he says, "maybe we could eke out another year or two"! However, two hours later, he'll have calmed down and say something like, "you're still the person I want children with." How can I deal with this back and forth?
I know we need professional help, both individually and together. I just had to get all this off my chest. I know I shouldn't be asking for sympathy because I'm in the wrong, this is my fault, but how long can one keep fueling the martyr role for another? He'll always have the upper hand on me because I admitted I was attracted to our friend, but the bottom line is that I DIDN'T ACTUALLY DO ANYTHING.

I agree that some things are better left unsaid, but this had been going unsaid for so long and was beginning to affect our relationship indirectly; I just felt that it would explain to him why/how/what was going on in my head.
I felt the only way to break free from my fantasies was to cut off all contact with the person at the root of them, but how could I do that without seeming even more suspicious? This "friend" had made repeated comments to be about his stance on monogamy (against it), made repeated comments about me, and even his roommate had started to hint at how much he liked me. I felt like I was being egged on by him to do something wrong. I had to cut it clean but I couldn't without being honest about why.
Also, it wasn't really my husband's friend, we met him at the same time and I hung out with him more than my husband did. My husband told me (before and after my confession) he felt the only reason our friend hung out with him at all was so that he could hang out with me more without suspicion. I guess my point being that this was no ordinary friendship that was doing more harm than good anyway.
Maggberg:
I understand your feelings. I really do. All I can really say to you is that you should not have told him. Especially since you didn't do anything. Sometimes it's better to just keep things to ourselves. I know this from experience myself. Wish to God I had never told the truth.
I feel compelled to write even though I haven't posted in a while. I am one of the few who also told their H about feelings for another person. At the time I felt it was the right thing to do and couldn't live with the guilt anymore.
Am I happy I told him? Well, fortunately, my H did not react the way yours did. In fact, if you go back to earlier dates and see my posts, you'll see that my H didnt react at all. I said I had an EA and he said that I just have a close friend. I pushed and prodded and still didnt get a reaction, because I too was hoping this would help improve our marriage.
In the end, the openness was a good thing. I sometimes regret telling him because now we have an issue to deal with and sometimes I just don't feel like talking about it or thinking about it. But mostly its been for the good. We are trying to fill the void in the marriage and I know with time it will all work out.
Don't second guess your decision to tell. Yes there are many reasons why it was a selfish act (just to get it off your chest), but if it was the only way to help you get over the thoughts and help you work on the marriage, then you did the right thing.
Mag
It may help you to step back and put yourself in your husbands shoes , WOULD YOU BE ANY DIFFERENT, HOW LONG WOULD IT TAKE YOU TO SLOW DOWN AND BALANCE OUT, you would want and need a lot of patience from your husband if roles were refursed so your going to have to give it.
Counceling to address the damage done to your marriage is a good idea and also counceling as to way you got so obsessed with this other man, there is a reason and addressing it now could go a long way to helping head off future problems like this one, it would also show your husband your serious about protecting your relationship with him.
Please do not underestamete how serious getting so hung up on another man this early in a marriage is there is a problem here that needs to be fixed ASAP.
Free
PS I agree with Jackson what you did was hard but I believe in the end of it you will end up with a better more open marriage for it.
Edited 4/5/2005 7:24 pm ET ET by mfreenow
I really appreciate everyone's feedback, because this sure isn't an issue I want to broach with friends or family - well, I do talk to one friend about it all, but otherwise, I don't want to worry everyone about the state of our marriage.
My husband and I have had some really great talks in the last few days to really dig at the underlying issues around this symptom. And this obsession with another person really is a symptom of larger problems we both have - individually and relationally. Things seem to be in an upswing.
However, my thoughts frequently travel back to the OM. It's hard for me to think he hates me or thinks I'm an idiot for handling things the way I did. And I know that the bigger issue isn't I care more for his feelings, but that I don't like to be hated by anyone ever. That's a problem, because in life, of course, not everyone is going to like you and you can't be a people pleaser because you're only setting yourself up for failure.
Also, I thought about what it was that most excited me about being around this person. It was all wrapped up in the tension, the anticipation, the wanting. Had he finally come onto me, I would've turned him down, because that wasn't want I wanted, I wanted to be wanted! And that directly reflects what I feel has been the loss of sexual intimacy in my primary relationship.
Then I thought, why do I want to be wanted? There's a myriad of reasons behind that from absent father during high school to complete lack of interest from the opposite sex for just about all my life. When someone flirts with me, I really like it, but I'm also scared of it.
I do feel this whole issue has been a turning point in my maturity and perspective on relationships. Things I can learn from this include how to not care what other people think, how to value myself more so that I don't judge myself based on what other people think, and how to show my husband that he is my #1 priority, not just with words, but an active lifestyle.
My husband realizes that even though this was my creation and my fault, he did contribute to the situation somewhat. I think this served as a wake-up call for him to "tune back in" so to speak. He tends to hit the auto-pilot and tune out of life.
This is an extremely serious issue, but it's a symptom of bigger ones, and as I've come to define them, I need to learn to live with them and find out better coping solutions.