confession---I'm in relapse, ladies....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
confession---I'm in relapse, ladies....
5
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 10:26am
So, after the "mayday" post...the "life lessons" post...and sending off a non-descript email...I caved yesterday a.m with a "feeler" email, asking him about parking in downtown. If you recall, I just got a job and will begin on 6/14 and parking IS a bit of a problem AND expensive...and will be working within a couple of blocks from him. My office window looks directly at his office. It was my way of letting him know that I was working downtown, but I did not tell him where or what I would be doing. (sigh...I know, I know---line up to slap me....). He responded short and to the point, that he would pass along some information to me later today or tomorrow. And no, he did not ask me where or what I was going to be working. Seem legit? Well, quite honestly...I have every intention of taking mass transportation into work---it was just my lame way of finding a reason to contact him.

I think that it was the whole post about my situation at home that got me wanting to escape, mentally and emotionally. And that's was ema's are really---escape from the reality that we are faced with....kind of like Disneyland for adults. Sometimes my reality is just too much for me to face...but I guess that is my job in dealing with it. And the more I avoid it, the worse it gets.

I used to think that if I could have an affair with exMM, that I could 'tolerate' my marriage until my kids were older (really, how SELFISH is that??? AND unrealistic). By the time I owned up to the abusiveness of the marriage...I was a full fledged junkie on the relationship. But I can easily see how the relationship kept me STUCK in my marriage...BY making it TOO nice. I think I needed the affair to slingshot me into reality---to show me how good men treat women...but also to cause me ENOUGH PAIN to finally push my butt off the fence and to see it for what it was.

exMM and I were once in a discussion about music..and he was saying how much he loved Simon & Garfunkel...and there was a song (Kathy's song...I think) that had a line that said "I'm empty and aching and I don't know why...." and how much he related to that line. And so did I.

I attached SO much 'magical' significance to our relationship...where, really, there wasn't any. I keep telling myself, that IF we were meant to be together, it would have occurred under much different circumstances, like both of us being single.

I'm sure he sees what I'm doing...as its been my pattern over the past couple of years. I would cut it off...in a nice way..saying that I can't handle it or something similar and that lasts for a couple months. Then I start to send out feeler emails. He's a nice man and always responds--usually short and to the point...and *I* always drag it into unchartered waters. BUT, I don't drag him anywhere he doesn't want to go, either.

Part of me knows that he struggles with this too....he does or has felt something for me. Me constantly contacting him is just waving the apple of temptation under his nose. Part of me thinks that he feels bad for me because of my situation...and writes back to help me along. Part of me fears that I look pathetic and weak---which when I email him, I AM. But I do know he is happy where he is at....but I'm sure bored from time to time that can happen in any marriage 25+ years...but he has no intention of leaving and he was never in as deep as I was from the beginning.

How I wish I could just move on and figure out how to rid all the garbage in my life and create a better balance in my life.

But I guess the first step in recognition of where you are going astray and ADMITTING that I am, right????

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 10:42am
Hi Dharma,

I can see it's so hurtful to you to get these short responses. I know in some ways you are doing well with all of this, but in others you just want to keep the contact going. One thing that struck me about what you wrote was that you are dragging him where he doesn't want to go. I agree with you on that, because if he really didn't want to have anything to do with you, he wouldn't write to you. Maybe you do feel pathetic for writing to him, knowing that he loves his wife and kids and don't plan on leaving them. But regardless of that, there was a connection there and it's hard to just forget about that.

Maybe part of you contacts him just so he won't "forget" about you either. None of us want to be forgot by any of our X's. We want to be important to them even if we aren't in their lives, so don't beat yourself up over it. I really do hope you can get past this, and get to the point where you don't feel like keeping in touch with him, because I know it's hurtful to you.

Let me ask you this, has there ever been a time where you've cut off contact for a couple of months, and HE'S the one that gets in touch with you first?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 10:49am
Dharma!!! Oh dear... It was that darn graduation email that I supported that started it all... ;-) I'm feeling upset because I know that if it happens to you, it can happen to me, too! There are some days where I am just so tempted to get in touch with him again and try to get some closure for myself. But I realize from posts like yours that I would be getting quite the *opposite* of closure.

You are wise in that you recognize exactly what you are doing and why. Be strong, girlfriend! Don't take anymore backwards steps!! Who wants to start this damned healing process all over again?

xo,

K.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 12:21pm

OKay, Dharma, I may be coming across as a little harsh here, but ya gotta quit dragging this guy around! Feeler email, selfish, tolerate, Kathy's Song, magical, pathetic, weak. Take a look at these words you've used in this message alone. It looks to me as if you are starting to feel a little insecure in your choices and you're looking for validation from him.


Well, little girl, you need to get that validation from you! Not your ex-lover, not your abusive husband. Not gonna happen. Reach down inside yourself and pull yourself out of this crap! No,it's not easy! But, you are strong! You can do this! Do this for yourself and your children!


Take your mass transit to work. And, don't you even dare try asking him for a ride to or from work!!


Yes, realizing the pattern of behavior and admitting it is good. You're gonna get there, but ya gotta quit trying these little detours. I'm sure that when you start your new job, you'll be too darn busy to worry about him.

~Chris~<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 12:37pm
dharma: i feel so much for you. I understand everything you wrote in this post. I just sent a feeler email to xMM because i feel like s*** for confronting him as harshly as i did the other day. Oh brother.

I have also thought that this ema or any other would help me tolerate my marriage. I thought it was interesting that you posted that thinking was *selfish* on your part. i had never thought of it that way. And yes, i agree with you, i was in so much deeper than my xMM (as he is in a tolerable if not comfortable marriage).

I think the Si and Gar song you are referring to is: America. I am empty and aching and i don't know why. Counting the cars on the New Jersey turnpike, they've all come to look for America. . . is that right? I love that song too.

My T told me yesterday that someone (i don't know who, a philosopher type or something) said that depression and emptiness and aching is the closest way you can be to your soul--so these feelings can be looked at as a positive. We are soul searching, getting in touch and being authentic.

I know that i have never been so miserable and elated all at the same time. Because as i search and push thru the pain and feel the pain, i am truly becoming more authentic and beautiful all the time. It's funny to me, that even thru sleepless nights, medication, smoking etc. people i see these days tell me i've never looked more beautiful. How do you do, it they say, will all that is going on?

All i can say, to myself is: i look more beautiful on the outside these days, because i am reaching my soul and becoming more beautiful and real from within,

I love you, Dharma and wish i could put my arms around you right now and tell you it hurts but somehow we will both (all of us, for that matter, that truly work this process) be more beautiful and real and alive when we get to the other side.

xoxoxo

Clarice

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 3:45pm


"If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?" What I am trying to say is...you are in a big life transition right now. From what little I know, it sounds like you have been really working on yourself, you graduated, you are about to start a great new job. No wonder you are "checking" in with exMM to look for validation. Creating success and doing good things for ourselves can kind of be scary, especially when you feel like you don't deserve it. Maybe you are just trying to sabotage. But don't worry, you haven't gone too far down the road...if he ends up sending a lenghty reply that asks about your work, etc, just respond with a "Thanks for the information!" and move on......

Keep your head up! No way did anyone ever say this was going to be easy or clean.

-real