Confession, my "closure letter"
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|Thu, 01-24-2013 - 11:26am|
I went through the annoyance of logging in (took a few times, better than usual) to post today because even now, about 6 months out from the end, I am struggling. I keep obsessing over how the relationship ended. So I want to admit more of how it did here, and also write the letter I would have sent xAP in response to his last email, had I responded (I did not in any way).
The A ended because I acted so crazy he gave up. I made lots of half-assed attempts to end it myself in a mature way, but I always went back. You see, I have an addictive personality. If I really like something, I can't give it up without a TON of willpower. I got addicted to xAP and since I couldn't give him up, but wanted to, I pushed him to give me up. And finally, he did. And though I might be a bit obsessive about those things and people I like, if they give me a clear signal to go, I am outta there. I have SOME dignity.
His last email seemed like a way for him to lay it all out there, tell me how he felt about us and not wanting it to be over but that he was giving up. Maybe he hoped I'd response but I think it was just him needing to have the last word. Here is what I would write to him... (maybe you want to write the same and share here??)
I'm so glad you have it ALL figured out! Thanks for telling me how I feel and what all went down. Yes, I am being sarcastic. Too bad you will never really know my side of things. You really just don't get it, do you? Helloooooo. I will tell you this much: the end of our relationship was quite simple. I loved you, and couldn't let go. But since it was a deadend relationship, and one that put our "real lives" at so much risk, it had to end. So I made you end it. It could have gone two ways: you refuse to let me go and say you love me (I might have stayed then... so thank you for NOT doing this), or you give up (this actually happened - whew!). But then that email. That really was the icing on the cake... and while you might like eating cake, I don't.That was one bitter cake. I guess we never really knew each other. If you wanted to hurt me and change my perception of you from a romantic best friend to a cowardly stranger, congrats. Checkmate.
Wishing you cold showers, cloudy skies and an allergy to whatever is in marshmallows,