Confession time - I'm right back there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Confession time - I'm right back there.
7
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 12:37pm
I am having such a hard time with this! I decided I had to end this A because it is the right thing to do - but not because I WANT to - I still have been wanting him! He also has made me feel bad sometimes by blowing me off and seeing him kiss his wife in front of me.

I had a total attitude change and felt so strong about stopping this. I talked to him about it and he accepted it. I've told the story before here.

SO - we have kids in the same classes and see eachother daily at school. He has been so nice to me - and I let him come over Monday. All I can say is that I totally blew off my decision to not have sex - and now I am wondering what I really want! This is the second time this has happened. I felt I was trying to hold onto something I would lose soon - so another time wouldn't hurt. We are talking about what we want to do the next time we have the opportunity to have sex! We are saying it needs to be a few weeks at least - and I am just going along with it and thinking to myself that I will take this one encounter at a time and not knowing whether it will or won't happen.

The tough part for me is that we have to leave here in a year or less and it will stop then without a CHANCE of it continuing. I will live across the world. He tells me how important I am to him and how much he cares for me. He tells me how much he wants me and how he has had some of the best times of his life with me. I saw him yesterday and he said and did all of the right things - and I am totally wanting to see him SOON!

Would any of you just continue with this until we HAD to stop? I get a lot from him - and I am really pulling back emotionally and taking my "relationship" with him one encounter at a time. I DO know that if he were to treat me bad I would walk away. WAIT---he has before and I didn't walk. What will I do?? He has been less than considerate before but he always makes me question WHY I have insecurities when it comes to him and I end up feeling like I overreacted. I KNOW he is manipulating me that way - I think!

He isn't promising me the world or a future - he just makes my time with him really fun and intense in a good way. Later he might blow me off and that has hurt - but maybe I can distance myself enough from him emotionally and do this occasionally? I am really questioning what I want here. He isn't the love of my life or soul mate. He is fun and encouraging and GREAT in bed. The sex is what I don't want to give up! It is by far the best sex I have ever had. He really is a skilled lover and doesn't believe in "quickies"! He won't have sex unless we have lots of time (several hours!) and he uses every moment. It isn't just an illusion - the sex really is that good. Part of it is that my drive is so much higher than my husbands. OM is more dominant and strong and takes care of me. My husband is fine in bed - but OM is incredible and totally different. The guy has way too much time on his hands and reads a lot and knows a lot to do and try. He makes me feel like I have never felt in my life. I always have felt like an average slightly chunky woman - and he tells me how HOT I am and how much he loves my butt (which I always thought was too fat!) and he makes me feel amazing about myself. It is like a drug that I can't give up! The sex is the most important part of "us" - and I don't know how to replace what he has been giving me.

My time with him is fun and we do some really neat non-sex related stuff together. He shows me around, translates, talks politics and news and is very interesting! He gets my opinion on things he is working on (I love to give creative input!) and he encourages me to do things that are important to me. He has even been responsible for me getting involved in the school parents group and getting to know some really neat women. I am now a class-parent and committee chair in a country that I am a foreigner to! It is awesome feeling and I am so proud of that stuff. I wouldn't have done this without his encouragement. He can be a very caring friend (I KNOW it is to keep me where he wants me though!). I don't have anyone else to spend time with while the kids are at school and taking an art class just isn't the same!

I KNOW this will end when we move and he has told me that he doesn't plan on doing anything to hurt me or lose me and he wants to enjoy the time he has left with me.

The thing is that I KNOW he is using me for his pleasure. I am doing the same thing! Last time we were together we both said we were using eachother for the hot sex. I don't want him to love me - we both have partners and I don't want a future with him. I just want to have what I have had with him - a lot of fun, intense sex, a good friend and someone to talk to and spend time with. I know he is not the best person for what he is doing (and what he isn't doing - being a responsible working adult!) but I am still getting something from him that I am really struggling to give up and NOT give up at the same time. Okay - the friendship part is great but he gives me nothing that my girlfriends don't give me EXCEPT the "in" with the school committees and translations.

It feels better to get this out. It doesn't make it right - and I KNOW I should be strong and end this because it is the right thing to do and the most self respecting thing I can do. I will be walking away anyway without a chance of looking back or continuing. I certainly will be cooling it a LOT - I can't get hurt by this and I have to distance myself some -and I don't want to get caught.

What would you all do? I am really waivering here. I have to say honestly that I may TRY to distance myself from him emotionally but still be in the A. I will come here and read. It keeps things in perspective and I mean everything I have ever posted here. I just don't know which way I want to go right now.

AND....I am ready for some honest posts. I can handle it. I would appreciate some honest reactions from ya'll. My flame suit is on and I am ready to be reamed. As a good friend would say go ahead - "Ream me a new a**hole" if you need to! I just don't know anymore!

-lazy

p.s. After the parents' meeting at school last night a DIFFERENT man asked me to go get high with him! He doesn't even know if I get high or not! He just asked me privatly if I wanted to go smoke with him. I didn't go - he did come out for beers with some other parents and me though. I don't need this! If you all knew me you would know how weird this is to me - I am not a super attractive head turner. I'm pretty natural - don't dress up a lot - jeans and sweaters, practical shoes, not a lot of make up and no-nonsense hair and some weight to lose! I DON'T put out vibes - one of my friends in college told me I was not sexy at all! Nice friend! This is so weird to me!

Flattering - but weird! I'm not even tempted. I realized this guy has been coming on to me after thinking about it. He is married too! His wife is adorable! My MM's is not.

I'm looking forward to going home to the US and never getting into this kind of mess again - but I am really flattered by the attention. I SWEAR I am not acting suggestive or putting out vibes. I talked to a painfully honest friend today and she supported that.

I think I have "WHORE and FOOL" tatood to my forehead!

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 4:48pm
Hiya Lazyone,

So long as you allow him to press your buttons, you're wide open to just this scenario. If you want to use and be used at the expense of your H & his W's trust, belief and love, and can so easily put that out of your mind, well I guess you'll have fun while it lasts.

The bottom line is your actions have consequences.

It's not so fun looking into your partner's eyes and explaining why you thought it was harmless fun. It's not so fun looking into your children's eyes and explaining why you thought it was harmless fun. I can guarantee it's not fun being the child when your parent tries to explain away why you and your family's security was less important than your "harmless" fun.

<<>>

You don't have to, word gets around... To those who understand the lingo, even if nothing is said, body language speaks volumes. You've got "up for it" tattooed across your forehead, hon.

<<>>

And wherever you go, there you are. Whatever your physical location, you cannot avoid YOU or your choices or your actions. Unfortunately, your kids can't avoid you or your choices or your actions either, Lazyone.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 6:07pm
<<>>>

Right on, Lady!!!

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters

compared to what lies within us.

~ Oliver Wendell Holmes

~True~

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 7:13pm
Lazy

"I'm looking forward to going home to the US and never getting into this kind of mess again - but I am really flattered by the attention. I SWEAR I am not acting suggestive or putting out vibes. I talked to a painfully honest friend today and she supported that.

I think I have "WHORE and FOOL" tatood to my forehead!"

1)It will not stop just because your back in the US, opportunity will knock and you will answer if you do not deal with "YOU" Hon you got a problem and it is a big one with the potential to destroy your whole family, if you think you can get away with this for ever you really are playing the FOOL.

2)You don't have to act suggestive you can rest assured that the sleaze that your screwing around with has had a few to many during all that free time and told his buddies all about the HO he is screwing on the side, some day someone not knowing any better may repeat it to your husband at a party or bar.

3)You either master this PROBLEM or it will master you, there can only be one master and one slave and right now your trying to justify being the slave in your own life.

NO WE ARE NOT GOING TO RELIEVE YOUR GUILT BY FLAMING YOU.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 3:48am
Thanks for the honesty guys - Free, True and Posie - you all always point out the ugly side - and that is what I am too good at rationalizing away and avoiding.

I need this honesty right now. I need to keep reading and thinking and eventually it will sink in.

I do have a problem and right now I don't know which way is up. Just got in a fight with my husband and I instantly wanted to call OM. I just don't know what is wrong with me.

I know what I should think and do but I just don't know how.

I'm printing a bunch of my favorite posts here and taking them to a freind's house so I can read and re-read.

I SHOULD be strong and do the right thing and I know what that is. I'm not as stupid or as heartless as I am behaving - or maybe I am and I just don't know it.

Thanks for the candid answers. I can't disagree with anything.

I just don't know how to make this better. I know what I should NOT do - and that is continue.

How have you all found the strength to do what you needed to? How can I force myself to get back on track with my family? Why am I willing to accept crap from this OM and why do I want his attention and acceptance so much?

I am in counseling and I know how to talk the talk. I just need to walk it now!

I'm struggling here and I am so stuck.

How do I get unstuck?

I am thinking that this is more of an addiction than an affair.

One thing I will do and have done is to never ever lie about this to my friend here who knows. I am sunk if I resort to that.

How come I can hear and read what I would be saying if I were on the outside, yet this is still so difficult for me?

Others here struggle with breaking NC - and I struggle with ending things period!

Am I the only one?

If anyone has any revelations that can help me, please share. Was there a moment that really sealed for any of you? I'm looking for that "A-Ha" moment as Oprah would say. I just haven't had it yet.


Now I am feeling ashamed and knowing I need to stop - but in a few hours or days I don't know where I'll be. I hate this. I wish I never even started this.

-lazy

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 5:12am
Hiya Lazyone,

You asked about "aha-moments."

Mine was the eventual realisation (after NC, time, distance and the clarity that comes with those things) that who I was in love with, who I believed in enough to have a child with, simply did not exist.

I'd been in love with who I *thought* exOM was rather than who he is. I'd been in love with someone perhaps even exOM himself wished to be, but not who he actually was. So, the person I was in love with had never, in fact, existed except within the confines of my own mind.

From this point there was the usual associated anger at being deceived, let-down, lied-to, etc., but who I was actually angry at when all was said and done was myself for having made such poor choices.

With the acceptance, real healing begins.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 6:26am
<>

Lazy~

I don't think there really is "a moment" that seal's it. More like a culmination of moments that brings us to our knees; "When the lows outweigh the highs" and/or "when enough is enough." Only YOU will know when that is.

I struggled with ending mine for many months, as most posters on here. The beginning of the end starts with a conscious decision that what you are doing is "WRONG." Until you can invision the potential devestation that may unfold if you don't stop, you will continue to wear those blinders of selfishness. Affairs are dirty little secrets that are nothing to be proud of. They hurt people.

For those of us who have ended it, the emotional fallout still ripples through us when we least expect it. It's an ongoing-endless-process, although YOU/WE can set the control dials that determine the intensity of such emotions, and how to respond to them. Better known as "triggers", these nasty little setbacks can be stopped with just one thought: "He's not worth it." (the shorter version for, "He could dump me any second and leave me bleeding in the streets, and not give it a second thought because I am only a smidgit in his scheme of life). <<<>>> :)

All kidding aside, I was a slow bleeder, and not until I realised that I was fresh out of Band-Aids did I take action to save myself. I was able to walk away with some integrity left before I bled out. From there, I was able to regain my strength through deep introspection and finding answers to why I had "fallen" in the first place.

~True~

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 8:27am
Lazy

DITTO on Trues post.

Lazy you need to be telling yoou T the whole truth not just about the affair but about events bbaried in your past that could be triggering you from really bad parenting, a cheating family member as a child to sex abuse any events or persons that made you feel less about you.

In short total honesty no just talking the talk anymore.

Hang in there, keep posting it takes time trust us on that.

Free