I agree with always that it was incredibly brave of you to post this. And I know how you are feeling. Really difficult to irreversibly delete anything nowadays. I have deleted and added, blocked and unblocked xap on my chat list more times than I can count. But everytime I am tempted to contact him, I ask myself these questions:
(1) What will I say to him? I have passed the stage when I think it is cool to send him a sexy message in hopes that he will take the time to respond. Now the thought is just icky.
(2) What do I expect him to say to me? If he ignores me it will drag me back to the old days of insecurity again. If he responds I have to go back to question (1)
(3) How do I ever expect to move on if I remain emotionally tied to him? I am actually enjoying time with my kids and husband again, knowing that there is no one they would rather be with than me.
I am now past the stage when I am seriously tempted to fish. But this is what I used to do, and I hope the suggestion helps you:
Get up and move away from the computer/smartphone. I admit I often ended up stuffing my face with chocolate in the kitchen but a few extra pounds is a small price to pay for peace of mind and the regrowth of your self-respect.
If that is not possible, start a chat/call with someone you have meaning to get in touch with for a while. I found that this latter move especially fulfilled my need for communication, and usually by the end of the chat/call, I was relieved that the moment had passed. It doesn't actually last that long, although I know it seems that way.
You will get through this. I trust you to remain NC from this point forward.
You are cracking me up, WWWM. I think you have to create a whole new account to change your moniker. I changed mine ages ago when I realized the email account associated the account I set up wasn't secure. I had to create a new account with a different email addy and then changed my name to add the 2 to it.
What a powerful post - and yes yes yes. Everything you said. It's exactly how it is, how it goes, and how it feels.
The AWFUL cold-hard truth of the people we became with those people that were -- well, icky dickies.
And I don't wanna be, nor be near it - again!
I am struggling with depression too - or what I sure imagine it to feel like. I am LOOOONG past the urge to see him, to talk with him, and there is not ONE memory of us together that I look back on and think of in a positive way. NOT ONE. Not when I think about how much lying went into making those situations happen. Not when I think of how many people were hurt. Oh no. Nothing good left, and a whole lot of regret weighing me down. When I think about it all - I feel imobalized.
So, I remind myself that I am making better choices today, and that keeping myself stuck with negative self-talk isn't good for the mother of my children - ME. It isn't good for ME. It's okay to allow myself to get better, to feel happiness and create good things for my life.
It's a daily struggle - but we'll get there together. Okay?
Pages
Girl, I am giving you an enormous amount of kudos for having the courage to post this!!
Oh Always.
I agree with always that it was incredibly brave of you to post this. And I know how you are feeling. Really difficult to irreversibly delete anything nowadays. I have deleted and added, blocked and unblocked xap on my chat list more times than I can count. But everytime I am tempted to contact him, I ask myself these questions:
(1) What will I say to him? I have passed the stage when I think it is cool to send him a sexy message in hopes that he will take the time to respond. Now the thought is just icky.
(2) What do I expect him to say to me? If he ignores me it will drag me back to the old days of insecurity again. If he responds I have to go back to question (1)
(3) How do I ever expect to move on if I remain emotionally tied to him? I am actually enjoying time with my kids and husband again, knowing that there is no one they would rather be with than me.
I am now past the stage when I am seriously tempted to fish. But this is what I used to do, and I hope the suggestion helps you:
Get up and move away from the computer/smartphone. I admit I often ended up stuffing my face with chocolate in the kitchen but a few extra pounds is a small price to pay for peace of mind and the regrowth of your self-respect.
If that is not possible, start a chat/call with someone you have meaning to get in touch with for a while. I found that this latter move especially fulfilled my need for communication, and usually by the end of the chat/call, I was relieved that the moment had passed. It doesn't actually last that long, although I know it seems that way.
You will get through this. I trust you to remain NC from this point forward.
thank you Browndress.
omg
So, you got bitchslaped by Icky Dicky?
Hey WIWWM,
I too have to change my name! It used to be Nolove4me!
What a powerful post - and yes yes yes. Everything you said. It's exactly how it is, how it goes, and how it feels.
The AWFUL cold-hard truth of the people we became with those people that were -- well, icky dickies.
And I don't wanna be, nor be near it - again!
I am struggling with depression too - or what I sure imagine it to feel like. I am LOOOONG past the urge to see him, to talk with him, and there is not ONE memory of us together that I look back on and think of in a positive way. NOT ONE. Not when I think about how much lying went into making those situations happen. Not when I think of how many people were hurt. Oh no. Nothing good left, and a whole lot of regret weighing me down. When I think about it all - I feel imobalized.
So, I remind myself that I am making better choices today, and that keeping myself stuck with negative self-talk isn't good for the mother of my children - ME. It isn't good for ME. It's okay to allow myself to get better, to feel happiness and create good things for my life.
It's a daily struggle - but we'll get there together. Okay?
Much Love.
TU.
I'll take the noogie.
Pages