Confessions of a Happiness-Carrier

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Confessions of a Happiness-Carrier
11
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 7:37am

In it's entirety, now sans ivillage login name, something sent to me from someone's Happiness-Carrier.

"You don't know me, and I don't have much business on this board. I'm not here to make comments on anyone, because I don't live your lives or walk in your shoes. I do know a little bit about this subject. Was almost an OG once, grew up around EMAs as they scar my family history. Have seen what they do, the harm they cause, and the artificial highs they induce convincing you it's 'luurve'.

Have seen why some people do them, and some of the circumstances that might make them understandable also.

But I'm posting here to endorse something you wrote that wants etching in stone. OMG Posie, you've really hit the bullseye with one thing you wrote that is so damn true it's incredible. You might want to slam it on a round robin and mail it to most users here.

<>>

Attagirl, Posie. One little thing you forgot to mention though. Just because you're so meticulous in covering everything else...

The absolutely smothering, throttling effect all this has on the happiness carrier, and the way it typically accumulates like an avalanche until both people are thundering downhill in its wake. The way that first someone is phoning every day, then visiting every day, then moving themselves in... And - get this - the HC feels imprisoned because he feels in a straightjacket. If he says 'No' to you, disagrees or does not do or ay the things that you want, he can see that look on your face that means inside you are shattering like crystal glass. (He also knows a torrent of tears and vituperations will most likely be on the way)

It's an awful feeling, being mortally charged with responsibility for another person's happiness. It isn't something you choose to accept, more like something you get up one day and realise you have. It's like me walking down the street past you, carrying a big heavy fragile glass object and suddenly going CATCH! And it's comparable to the old Hollywood movies, where you remove the jewel from the centre of the pyramid, there's a rumble then the walls start closing in.

To begin with you think 'if I text this person they'll be OK', 'If I visit them I'll be OK', then 'IfI let them stay around once or twice it'll be OK. In the end, you literally cannot think the wrong things because they can sense it and start emotionally erupting. And yes, the steaming nresentment I feel is intense. My own little private store of battery acid.

I know this. I've been there. I AM there. And with a good person too, but who is steadily throttling the life out of me. Am not in an EMA. But like my Mother in hers, she feels blooming and sexy, on an intoxicating high, and CANNOT be spoken to or reasoned with in an adult way. Like my father in (all of) his, it all suits her just fine and ther's not intention of reasoning or changing.

Sorry that was long Posie, but it needed saying. Take note girls. And I would share my situationwith ya 'Pops' but I wouldn't want to bore you. Probably tame sounding compared to these ladies' stories.

Yours- Good Wishes"
(iVillage username withheld)




Edited 1/11/2005 8:02 am ET ET by posiepops

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2004
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 10:17am

This is all really eye-opening for me, making me look at my own behavior. I'm someone who's always tried to get my happiness from someone. I can see now how I pushed away many a guy in high school. I can see how my first husband just went into denial mode while I had my first A. He had no idea how to deal with me. My M to my AP lasted 10 years because we are a lot alike with that "looking to the other person for my happiness" thing. The only reason we are separated now is because of a drug addiction he has never been able to shake. The A I am trying to get over now was because I was in turmoil with H and looking for more "happiness." I was getting it, like a drug high, until my xMM felt the pressure. He reacted just like as described, pulling away because the burden became too great.

Here's the worst part.

One of the last times we were together, I started crying on him. He was asking me what was wrong. I had all the stuff going on with my dad getting sicker, and I actually said, RIGHT OUT OF MY MOUTH, "You are the only 'happy' in my life." He was holding me, but I'm sure in his mind he saw me clinging on to him for dear life. I thought I was telling him how much he meant to me, but I can see now that that's probably not how he took it. He backed off even more after that.

It's sad, but true. No one can make you happy but yourself. With my H and I separating at this time too, I have to start looking within and to my higher power to fill the void in me I think someone else should fill. I have to do it before I can be a healthy partner to someone else.

Thanks for the post-
Breathe

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 12:56pm

Hiya Breathe,

I thought it was powerful enough to post it as it was rather than attempting to describe it or cut'n'paste from it.

You mention the "worst part," but failed to mention that the best part is that you have some insight into it now.

Taking in the info will be an aha-moment for some, difficult for others and some won't be able to take it in just yet, but sharing that you "got it" will mean a great deal to the original poster from another board. I'll be sure to share, thanks, Breathe.

Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 1:13pm

WOW! That was very profound. I've been trying to piece together exactly what happened to make my X A relationship sour so badly. You just put into place the missing pieces of the puzzle.

Thank you so much for sharing!

CG

Avatar for alice700
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2003
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 1:14pm
In my situation, I was in a pretty good place emotionally when I began the affair (in my case, mostly an emotional affair, with a little physical, but not much). So my model for understanding what happened is to use the "recreational" user of cocaine, who starts simply to get high. In the beginning of the affair, I started feeling better than good, and so did he. But as time wore on, I realized I need to hear from him simply in order to feel good. Then, with further time, I felt depressed and in a state of longing and deprivation most all of the time, and needed to hear from him just in order to feel NORMAL. This is where the addictive behavior starts to set in for real. In our relationship, this was pretty mutual; we were on another's happiness carriers. I broke it off successfully for about 9 months, then we started up again... but just like the alcoholic who thinks she can handle "just a few drinks", it got out of control again... And now I am NC for almost (1hour and 45 minutes short of) 5 days. Wish me luck, please! I'll need it. Now where's that drink....? :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 4:38pm

I too, like Alice, was in an emotionally good place when my A started. I liked the attention and the 'high' I felt when I was w/xOM. It wasn't until things got serious (he told me he loved me) that I started get needy of his attention. This is when he started to pull away. It was all downhill after that.

Thanks to Posie and annonymous for this insightful post!

Diva

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 8:33pm

Hiya CGU,

Keep looking inward for your answers & puzzle pieces and it's hard to go wrong.

Glad it struck a chord, poppet. I'll be sure to let the original poster know he's a hit in the USA.

Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 8:39pm

Hiya Alice,

Yup, with time making someone else responsible for making you happy will suck the happiness right out of both of you. It's pretty self-defeating and worse is that we drag some other poor soul right down the plug hole along with us.

Helpful link here, long but well worth a read if any of this stuff is ringing any bells (I think Free copied it below in another section but it's applicable here) http://website.lineone.net/~dr.mgm/relationships.html

Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 8:44pm

Hiya AD,

Kinda makes sense when you see it set out in print, doesn't it?

Glad it's helped you come to some understanding. I've emailed a link to this thread to the original poster from a similar UK board. I'm sure he'll be pleased to see his words have been helpful.

Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie

Avatar for alice700
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2003
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 10:32pm
Posie,
Thanks for the link. I just had time to skim it, but it seems very wise and very relevant to me. I think I am a combination Chaser/Runner, and you? I am parts of both, and even part Walker (the healthier part of me). I plan to go back and read it more thoroughly when I have time. Thanks for your comments. I enjoy reading what you have to say about practically everything.
Cheers!
Alice
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 10:58pm

Hiya Alice,

Me? Oh I was a Chaser with strong Runaway tendencies, exOM was a Runaway with strong undertones of Chaser. We were that intensely into our mutual needs-meeting feeding-frenzy that just standing in a room, we'd suck out all the oxygen.

Had it not ended, I firmly believe we'd simply have cancelled each other out. Or as was suggested on another board, possibly just spontaneously combusted.

Seven months on from last contact and I've no idea & actually no interest in how safe whatever room we were both standing in would be nowadays.

These days I'm genuinely happy to Walk. ;)

Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie

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