Confessions of an XMM
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| Sun, 12-19-2004 - 7:19am |
I've been lurking for a while on many affair boards, mainly waiting to see if any gents would eventually speak up about their affair. The last few weeks have produced a couple on here, so as one not to break new ground too easily, I've decided now to post here in hopes I can offer a different perspective as an XMM.
She (single and my coworker) ended our 4 year affair several months ago. If she hadn't I would still be having my cake and eating it too, so I wanted to tell you ladies that many of us (if not most) are capable of hanging around as long as you are willing to allow it. As I posted on the AllSides board, my wife and I are/were best of friends and I got reemed harshly for saying that. Now I understand why, but I am not yet strong enough to debate that with them. Up until my affair, we were great friends and I think the term "best" was not the proper choise of word. My AP eventually became my best friend, but only because everytime I tried to get intimate with wife, she would push me away. I am not just talking about sex here, I am also referring to intimate conversations, the sharing of feelings, the trying to get her to open up, whatever....she shut me down. I think that is when the "best friend" part of our marriage began it's demise.
Anyway, I am getting off track. I just wanted to tell you ladies that "YES" we MM's do suffer when the affair is over. We do go through pain and "Yes" we do hide it better than women do. Men are conditioned not to show emotion and remorse early on in childhood.

I do not believe in divorce. Period. I found a lover who would give me what my wife refused to. I already said I was a cake eater. Are you involved with a MM? If so, maybe hearing that many of us are unwilling to leave our wives regardless of our indescrepancies is unnerving to you, but that is why so many MM cheat. If you are told that you are "the one" and she (W) is cold and unfeeling, it could be very true, but we will say whatever is needed to be said to have a warm body next to us once in a while,
Hiya Lore,
Firstly, welcome aboard.
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Secondly, you weren't reamed a new one on ASB because you said you are/were best of friends with your wife, you were reamed a new one because you stated that she was "frigid since our last child turned 5. He is now 22." When called on it, you compounded matters by restating your wife was "Colder than a witches tit?" and asking whether that description was "less contemptuous."
Thirdly, your wife's permission is not required to attend marriage counselling on your own nor is it a requisite for attending individual counselling. You're a big boy now with grown children of your own, seek some self-awareness & self-knowledge for yourself and your own peace of mind.
Fourthly, since religion seems to be a major factor in your decision to remain with the `frigid best friend who happens to be colder than a witches tit,' how exactly do you balance the love, HONOR and obey/respect bit of your vows? Do you imagine for one moment that Him Upstairs is going to high-five you on entering the pearly gates for sticking with a marriage from which neither of you are getting much love, honor or respect? Or maybe you perceive it as some kind of pennance here on earth?
Finally, stick around, read some posts and read some more posts. You'll find support in all kinds of guises, from the huggy-kissy type to the type where you are told in no uncertain terms that your arse looks like the back of a bus in that outfit. Both types have merit if you can simply open your mind sufficiently to take both types on board.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
Lore,
I hear your pain on all levels. I understand your situation. I understand your feelings no matter how you've articulated them, crudely or cautiously & sensitively. It kinda sux to think you're providing a perspective only to find yourself in debate; be reminded that this can be a place of hightened emotions.
Nevertheless, some good questions were brought to your table. I'll add this. I, too, would wonder about the reasons for remaining married to a person with whom you've predicted a life of distance and unfulfilled needs. That part of your story sounds very familiar. Years ago my marriage went south, much like you have described yours: cold & distant feelings, IndifferenceCity, no shared affection, two kids.
"We" tried the counseling thing. (I say "we" because it was my idea, and the wife thought it would be okay to go into MC and find out why I was such a F-up.) MC was going along swimmingly for weeks as we disected "my issues." Once the counselor turned to the wife and started talking about her role in the M, she bailed from MC.
Long story short: I tried holding on for a few years, but I could no longer endure the emotional isolation. I filed for divorce and ended it--the kids were 4 & 6 at the time, mere babies. I decided to be the poster child for divorced dads, and achieved that.
Yes, it took time and much work for me to survive the D, but I wouldn't change a thing. The kids are in college now, and they have lived with me full time since they graduated from high school.
I'm sure we don't view the world from the same perspective since, for you, D is not an option at this point. But you seem to understand living a "dual" life isn't either. Sounds like you've got some things to sort out. You should probably hang around and post some more. You may find some comments worth thinking about. I know I found a few really good morsals to chew on from people whom I originally thought were "picking" on me.
Good luck.
-LG
Perhaps I'm selfish or I leave things that are difficult too quickly but for the life of me, I cannot figure out why people choose to live in misery for years and years ... not just a 3 or 6 months of a rough patch but 3, 5, 10 plus years with no happiness.
Just because you become a parent doesn't mean you have to drop all your dreams and goals. You can do it all.
You can raise your kids and love them, love yourself, and find romantic love and partnership with a partner and friends.
One major thing I have learned from my affair, stories from people at work, and these boards is that so many people choose to live in a dead-end life.
Let's choose hope and the potential for happiness over known misery.
Levi - your story is a prime example. Congrats on your risk taking and hard work.
Lore,
Thanks for posting that. It helps to know that the MM hurts when the A ends too.
I catch myself wondering if my xMM thinks of me, or misses me. Or wondering if he is just going on with his life happy as a clam. We just ended our 9 month A 3 weeks ago.
He wanted to stay friends, but I can't do that. So I often wonder if he is going through the whole range of emotions that I do everyday.
So thanks again, it helps.
Glad to see another man on the board!
Owl
Posie--
I just gotta say thank you !!!!!
I am laughing outloud right now, which is great therapy for me! I have missed this board, and I think it's because I miss your insightful comments--you always seem to speak the cold hard truth while still injecting a good dose of humor. Thanks again :-)
Meg
*stage whisper* Oi! Megs! Shhhh! You'll give the whole game away!!! *end stage whisper*
*cough* I'm big, I'm bad, I'm mean & bitter as all get-out and don't none of you forgeddit!! *cough-splutter*
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
(who's actually on the short, slim & remarkably content side)
Lore,
Just wanted to concure w/ Owl and say thank you for posting. My x is/was single and I am married, but I have to assume it is the same *pain* wise. He ended things w/ me for various reasons (tired of lying when someone aske dif he was dating someone, tired of going home alone when I went home to H, didn't think I would ever leave H - and if I did he didn't want it to "be because of him").
I think alot of time, we get so caught up in our own pain - we imagine that there is no way they could possibly be dealing w/ pain too. Sometimes men seem to make walking away look so easy...it makes our pain even worse. Maybe it sounds selfinsh and mean...but yes, I think knowing (imagining) that my xOM is dealing w/the same pain I am makes me feel a bit better.
Diva