confused and trying to right my life

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2001
confused and trying to right my life
Tue, 01-08-2013 - 10:00pm

Yesterday was bad as it was our first day back to work.  By 6:15 he had emailed me and I was pissed.  I emailed him back a while later with lots of anger.  Eventually I called him and told him many things that I had been feeling and none of them were ILY.  He said he understood...blah, blah, blah.  He didn't contact me again and I was livid.  I did some unhealthy things and had a difficult night.

Today, he didn't contact me, but I contacted him.  Eventually he responded a couple of times basically acting as if nothing was wrong.  That is how he deals with confrontation.  He is a counselor and he is trained at de-escalating situations so he does that.  Example: I was recently raped, and he was the first person that I told, right after it happened (a few minutes).  He was really good at calming me down and getting me through the fear.

Well, I just realized that what I want is for him to not be the person to leave me.  Once he contacted me and realized he still wants to have the A, I felt like I can leave. 

So, a little about me.  I've been married for over 22 years, since I was 15.  My H was physically, mentally, sexually and emotionally abusive for most of the marriage.  Culturally I am expected to accept that as that is what women do.  I know this was an exit A and never expected to develop feelings for him.  This is my second A and I don't feel guilty for either because that was the way I was coping being in my marriage. 

He is the first man I have ever trusted with my body.  I tend to be afraid of men.  I don't like being hugged or touched by people.  In fact I don't allow people to touch me, including women and children, unless I trust them.  So, I choose to believe this is love, otherwise I am a slut and I don't want to be that.

So, now how do I fix myself so I can fix my life?  I am seeing my therapist tomorrow.  I am also going to stay connected to friends so I won't contact him.  Finally, I will forgive myself for having mess up badly yesterday.  I am used to physical pain, so I turn to hurting myself when I can't cope with the emotional pain.  tomorrow is a new day and I want it to be good.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Wed, 01-09-2013 - 1:05pm

Seeing your therapist is the best start...she can help guide and support you as you deal with the issues of life, your most recent trauma and teach you how to carry yourself in the workplace.

The next best start is to stop communicating with him and follow the guidelines in the LC in the Workplace thread in the H.L.



Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Wed, 01-09-2013 - 9:12am

I think a good start would be to just start simplify your life. You have a boat load of problems, but they have NOT just come up overnight, and can’t be solved overnight.

Stop communicating with him. If you truly want to end it, then end it. Stop the silliness of who ends it, who’s mad, who is right, who is wrong, and just end it. A simple “Don’t talk to me unless it’s business” and let it be done.

Limited Contact is tough. I know. I’ve been through it. Many of us here have been through it. But then ending it is tough. It can be done. You have to commit to it.

It's for you. Not for anyone else. No other reason, just you. No one else is going to protect you, or end it for you. Step up, and do it. Start putting yourself first in life.

Start simple and add to it.

Therapy is a good start, but when are you going to end it? You have to take the first step.

Choices are all yours. You can walk away any time you choose. It is you that is hanging onto all of this mess. The longer you hang on, the longer it all goes on and the misery continues.

The start of a new life, a better life starts with you doing it.

I am pulling for you.


We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.