confused and trying to right my life
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|Tue, 01-08-2013 - 10:00pm|
Yesterday was bad as it was our first day back to work. By 6:15 he had emailed me and I was pissed. I emailed him back a while later with lots of anger. Eventually I called him and told him many things that I had been feeling and none of them were ILY. He said he understood...blah, blah, blah. He didn't contact me again and I was livid. I did some unhealthy things and had a difficult night.
Today, he didn't contact me, but I contacted him. Eventually he responded a couple of times basically acting as if nothing was wrong. That is how he deals with confrontation. He is a counselor and he is trained at de-escalating situations so he does that. Example: I was recently raped, and he was the first person that I told, right after it happened (a few minutes). He was really good at calming me down and getting me through the fear.
Well, I just realized that what I want is for him to not be the person to leave me. Once he contacted me and realized he still wants to have the A, I felt like I can leave.
So, a little about me. I've been married for over 22 years, since I was 15. My H was physically, mentally, sexually and emotionally abusive for most of the marriage. Culturally I am expected to accept that as that is what women do. I know this was an exit A and never expected to develop feelings for him. This is my second A and I don't feel guilty for either because that was the way I was coping being in my marriage.
He is the first man I have ever trusted with my body. I tend to be afraid of men. I don't like being hugged or touched by people. In fact I don't allow people to touch me, including women and children, unless I trust them. So, I choose to believe this is love, otherwise I am a slut and I don't want to be that.
So, now how do I fix myself so I can fix my life? I am seeing my therapist tomorrow. I am also going to stay connected to friends so I won't contact him. Finally, I will forgive myself for having mess up badly yesterday. I am used to physical pain, so I turn to hurting myself when I can't cope with the emotional pain. tomorrow is a new day and I want it to be good.