confused, need help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
confused, need help!
8
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 10:40am
I've been reading the post here for the past six months and they have helped me tremendously. I can't relate to a lot of them. This is the first time i'm writing. My A started last september while i was training at an office for two months. MM was the boss and 15 years older and it was exciting at the beginning but after two months guilt kicked in and since he always chose his family over me and only saw me when they were away and i was willing to see whenever convenient for him. So everytime we got together i told him that it could have been the last time but i could never do it. He didn't want to end it but he said he would respect my wishes and i always knew if i ended it he had too much pride to call and beg me which is what i wanted.

I am married myself but have no kids but he has young children and his wife is always calling him.

I have a great husband who loves me and i don't know what's wrong with me, i guess like everyone else here i liked the excitement and knowing I could still make men fall for me. But problem is I fell harder for him than he did for me, or that's what i think. Part of me wants to think that he loves me too so I don't have to think so low of my self and think at least the risk i took was worth it but I'll never know. Do you think they love us too and just don't show it or they are not as emotional?

Anyways, after wanting to end for the past 4-5 months and since we were both very busy and we only talked once a week and saw eachother once or twice a month and gradually it got less which was something i wanted and i thought NC was the best so we didn't talk for the past month and haven't seen eachother for the past two and a half months and i was away for two weeks on vacation and work assignments which was great because i didn't think about him as much but then he never called me in the past month. Is it that easy for men to forget and just move on? I called him once and we talked as if we were two strangers and he did not say anything at the end, well i made up an excuse to call and i konw it was stupid. And now even though it's been almost a month or so of NC except for last week i feel like i'm going crazy i think about him every second and part of me wants it to be over but big part of me wants to know that he still cares and wants him to call. Why can we not control our emotions and they can. Do you think i should call him and have closure or just leave it the way it is and continue wiht NC, and when does it get better?

Thank you for listening, i know this is a long message but i really need help and advice. I feel so confused right now.

Twilight

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 1:04pm
I just read my post again and i realized i made a mistake. I meant to say i could relate to most of the stories and posts that i read on this board and that's why i've been reading for such a long time. They are very encouraging and at times help me get through the days.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 2:41pm
This is my first day on the board and I, like you, can relate to so many of the posts. But you sound like you are at your wits end and after what happened to me this past weekend, I will be there soon, I'm just still too mad. Just stay positive. I have tried for the past few years to end an A and I have never gotten anywhere, but just remember that there is a light at the end of the tunnel to every situation. Every message that I have read today, everyone seems to be so miserable and I am there also. But why do we do this to ourselves? We all deserve to live free of guilt and happy lives. The OM don't deserve us and why give them the power to make us feel miserable.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 3:40pm
Thank you for your reply. I agree with you these OM don't deserve us and we just have to be strong. But there are times that i just want to pick up the phone and call him and it's hard to resist the temptation but so far I've been good. for example today i really wanted to call but i'm worried that he would ignore my calls and that would crush me even more, and if he even does answer do i want to start this whole thing again and go through the roller coaster.

I guess part of me wants to know that he still wants me and so then i can ignore him. Does anyone else feels that way? I want to know that he might be suffering like me, but if he was wouldn't he call?

I guess it's human nature to want what we can't have. I sometimes think if i met MM before i was married i would not have really wanted him. I went for the excitment and am now trapped.

Aren't women suppose to be stronger than men? Do they just not show their emotions like we do?



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 4:59pm
I don't believe the OM ever really do forget us as easily as they appear to -- see Clarice's post from earlier today -- but men for the most part do deal with things differently than women. They seem to be able to compartmentalize things better.

I also don't think there is really such thing as closure. You might get some temporary feeling of relief by calling him and reminding him that you're still out there, but after awhile you will start to wonder again if he still thinks of you. It's been my experience that the best thing you can do for yourself is try to act like a man ;-) and do not contact him. Eventually, you will reach the point that you just don't care anymore, and trust me, it's a fabulous feeling! It took me 6 months to get to that point, but I really am there now!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 9:34pm
"I guess part of me wants to know that he still wants me and so then i can ignore him"

That is so true. Since I've been in NC I keep wondering if he is struggling with the separation as much as I am. My low self esteem haunts me with thoughts he just forgot me altogether and his going happily on his way. It might be nice to have the reassurance that he is as miserable as I've been..but the double-edged sword is if he did reach out to me, would I be able to walk away again??

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 1:49am
I am reading myself in every one of these posts. I always want to know, to make sure that he feels the same way I do. I crave that.

I'm not so sure that finding out directly is the best thing. Think of the times he spent with you and the things he did to express his feelings without words and know in your heart that he cares too and is hurting and try to leave it at that. I wish I took my own advice though!

Whenever I have tried to back off he shows his feelings through the tears in his eyes and I just loose all resolve and comfort him. He was SOOOOO mad at me last week and said he couldn't trust me and didn't want to be friends because he was so hurt and angry. He came over with tears in his eyes and was so obviously hurting that I just held him and apologized and we ended up in bed. Now I know I need to back way off but I feel closer to him than I ever have. We talked about feelings and emotions and shared "our pain" and instead of being able to back off, I saw him just like I wanted to see him - as a caring, loving man and now it is so much harder to walk away. I don't know what to do. I know what I should do but I don't want to.

As a side note - he was so angry and upset over something that is actually funny in a way - I made a joke and he completely misunderstood what I said - we don't share the same native language so we have had some misunderstandings from our language difference. It is not funny for him - but for me it is now that we are friends again.

I'm going to a therapist today and hope to get this all sorted out. I want out but I don't want out. This is so hard!

-Lazy
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 11:00am
Does anyone know if our H can find out that we are posting on this board? I'm not very good with computers so i'm not sure if there is anyway to check.

I'm feeling much better today, even though i woke up thinking of XMM. But all your words of encouragement helped me resist the temtation to call him and since i'm going on vacation this week i can try and work on my marriage.

You're lucky that your MM showed his emotions, mine did in his own way but not the way i wanted him to, and that was one thing that always frustrated me and he always said that's who he is, and that he doesn't try to change me so why do i want him to change. But then i don't know what i expected from him since i wasn't willing to leave my H and i know he wasn't willing to leave his family. I started this A thinking it will be over soon.

Don't let his tears and emotions get to you. You have to sometimes think of just yourself and put your needs before others and be selfish. I know it's easier said than done but know that the more you respond to his emotional breakdown the more he will do it, it's like kids if they know by crying parents will buy them something they will always do it to get what they want.

I think A give us a self confidence and a high that just feels too good to let go. I'm just so angry at xMM that i'm having a hard time to just let this go and move on. Does anyone know the stages of grief?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 11:34am
To delete all traces of where you've been on here, you need to go to Tools - Internet Options, then click on delete the cookies, delete the files and also click on delete the temporary files. Then you have to click on clear history. I also have my history set to save for 0 days. This way it clears itself every night at midnight. Then check your history to make sure its deleted. If not, right click on it and delete from there.
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