Confused - very confused....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Confused - very confused....
5
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 8:26am

I started my A with an engaged person about three months ago. Just recently I realized that he was not what I was actually looking for. I wanted feel sexy again, I wanted him to show me that he really wanted me. I wanted to have fun together, gigle, and make things exciting. Needless to say that didn't happen. I can't talk to him on weekends, he talks to me twice a day making our conversations very short. He tells me he will call back and he doesn't and is always in a rush (therefore we don't really spend any quality time together). Everytime we meet he tells me that he will have to leave shortly because he has something to do... In three months there was only one friday night that we were able to spend 5-6 hours together.

My story is that I have a b-friend that I live with. Last week my BF went away and my other guy come over a couple of mornings to spend some time with me. Again, always rushing and did not spend more then 25 minutes with me. When my BF returned he found a pair of boxer shorts in the apt and asked me where the boxers had come from. I denied knowing anything about it and my BF left it at that. When I asked the other guy if he had anything to do with that he denied any involvement but at the end of our conversation he turned around and said "so are you still together?". That kind of ticked me off because why would he be so quick to ask that question? So I told him that breaking up was not that easy and that I was still in the relationship.

After that he realized that my attitude towards him changed and called me kissing my ass. He was really nice and left me a sweet voicemessage. The thing is I am done and can't do this anymore. I am not getting what I want out of this deal. I don't want him to leave anyone for me. I just want to have fun with him, and he just wants to come near me have sex and leave.

I am dying to call him right now and break up with him. Should I call and say it is over? Should I just ignore his phone calls and not bother breaking up? What is the best approach? Please help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2004
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 11:58am

Welcome to the board!!!!

<<>>

First you need to identify your true intentions behind making that call. Often times while in my A, I would write elaborate, heart felt emails stating why we needed to end it, etc. But truthfully, I was hoping he would respond begging me not to do this...yadda..yadda. It was a self-serving ego boost that I was getting. If you truly want things to end, NO CONTACT....he'll get the message!!!

SS

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 2:59pm
lubrago,
Hey girl! I tried the "ignore him and hope he goes away" tactic w/ my XOM. That does not work and it is unfair to him and to you. Most of the time in an A you might not always talk everyday or every week anyways so they don't really get the hint. You think you are having NC they just think your are not in the mood...on your period...etc. etc.
Plus, it's not really fair to leave someone hanging like that just because you don't have the spine to say "we are through" I am of the former spineless variety, but I ended it face to face. (and made a complete jacka*s of myself in the process...i might add)
But it gave the A the closure it needed so then I could move on and he knew where I stood with my decision.
Good luck sister!
~nuttmeg
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 7:51pm

Lub

One brief to the point call telling him your done with him and to NEVER CONTACT YOU AGAIN.

Then TOTAL NO CONTACT, there after you need to address the reason you did this, is it time to end the relationship with the B/F and find yourself an UNingaged single man with one hell of a lot more class then this one.

One

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 11:39pm

Free is right, tell him that it is over, call or write an email , whatever u think is humane, i go for the humane treatment, btw , my OW ended it using a text message, i think that was realy very classy of her ( pissed me off now if i think of it)

send the message and hold on for the onslought of MM/OM begging and trying to manipulate u to come back

take care,

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 7:26am

I was just driving to work a few minutes ago and I saw him. He looked at me and I fought so hard to pretend I didn't see him. I literally bit my lower lip to avoid any physical reaction from coming out. For a second there I thought "maybe I should just let it be", but then reason kicked in and I stuck with my guts.
And this is only after three months. I can only imagine that pain that some of you suffered during and after the break up.

Lub.