A Confusing day - Need insights

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
A Confusing day - Need insights
13
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 4:08pm

The end of this month will be a year since I ended my affair. For those who don't know my story, I work with him...just the two of us in this very small office. <<>>

I have remained firm in my conviction, and owe this board and the "AllSides" message board for saving my wretched behind when weak moments sneak up on me...I am forturnate to have access to all the sites here at work and make use of them on a daily basis when needed (usually I am so busy I don't need to check them out until I get home ;)

For background, first I want to tell you all that I have been through all of the stages; denial, anger, depression, indifference, and finally acceptance for what *we* had done, and now *we* are finally back to a sort-of, kind-of friendship that makes life a littler easier during the work day. Letting go of all of that pent up rage and anger took a very long time...I couldn't even look at him, let alone talk to him. He knew he had hurt me by ever crossing that line in the first place, so he gave me all the space I needed to get over his sorry a**. In time, I was finally able to laugh at his stupid jokes again. ANYWAY......

He just left a little while ago to go home to put one of his dogs to sleep. (She is really sick). I have this damn lump in my throat and I would like some insights as to why I am feeling so sad right now. Is it because I couldn't (or wouldn't allow myself to) console him? Is it because I couldn't tell him how sorry I am out of fear of tearing up? Have I turned into a cold-hearted bit*h? I KNOW how much he loves this dog. He has had her as long as I have worked here....going on 16 years. This sucks.....I can honestly say that I don't love this man anymore, so why is this bothering me so much?

Any ideas would be greatly appreciated. Thanks,

Id

**Id**

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2003
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 5:17pm

You are certainly not a "cold-hearted bit*h" and you are not a saint (although many of us who have benefitted from your wisdom may argue that one!)- you are only human and a darn inspirational one at that. It seems ironic to me that I have been sitting here reviewing many of your posts in the archives for the past two hours and now I have this opportunity to offer you some support.

It is only natural that your emotions have been tiggered in this situation. We would have to robots not to "care" about the pain that a co-worker is experiencing (not to mention one we have been personally involved with in the past). Likely there will be many more occassions like this in your lifetime. (I often wonder about how I will feel if my XMM becomes seriously ill or how it will be to attend his funeral - my situation is similar to yours in that I must have continued work-related contact) The important point is you did not become "engaged" in the drama - you maintained an appropriate distance. Congratulations and keep up the good fight....

ARTIST

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 5:21pm

Id,

My first reaction is that you have had to build such a wall to survive that you don't/won't/can't allow any thing that takes it over the boundary into friendship - not even one little spec.

I have more respect for you than you know and I think it is what is necessary or it would not have ended. You did an amazing thing. It is awful to end it and not be able to ride off into the sunset but have to keep staring at him every day. You truly are living the model I need to follow.

I think it's making you sad because you realize that you can't even express baseline friendship - even friendship that you'd offer to someone in the grocery store - to him because of the circumstances. You can not afford to let your guard down. You know how much this dog means to him but you can't risk even telling him that you're sorry about it - for fear of letting there be any emotional exchange. I don't think it's the fear of you tearing up specifically but more just going into the whole friendship side in general and the frustration of not being able to do it.

At least that's what I think. It's also the same place that I'm going to have to end up.

If you feel strong you could just say a quick "I'm sorry about your dog tomorrow" but that's only if you think it would make you feel less sad and sort of show yourself how far you've come.

WIP

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 5:37pm

~Artist~,


Thanks so very much for your response. Geeesh...I sent that post as I walked out the door,from work (4:30 EST)

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 5:46pm

Could it be that this is a trigger that could start an emotional exchange between the two of you? And even though you have moved on and want to have a supportive friendship you realize that giving emotional support about something this innocent is not something you can risk. Like an alcoholic who is determined to remain sober you know better then to walk around with a drink in your hand. You will not put yourself in a situation where you could lose control and potentially be hurt again. It is sad to have to hold back when you want to comfort someone else. That is part of being a woman, the need to give of oneself to someone in need. It is also a cold hard look at the reality of what your relationship with someone you once felt so close to has become.

I wish I had some great insights like the ones you come up with but remember our emotions can help us to learn and grown and recognize where we are in our lives....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 5:54pm

~WIP~


During my drive home I was able to think it through better, and you are so right on with everything you said. Thank you so much for saying all the right things.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 6:25pm

~Jstmekc~


<<>>


BaDa Bing! I think you have found my inner emotional nail and hit it on the head. I couldn't risk it. Not today, not any day, and that is why I have to maintain the boundaries I set up for myself many moons ago. In all honestly, I have lightened up on the strict rule policy lately, and have let him vent more than usual these last few months...... BUT, I attributed my standoffishness <----is that a word?----> to self protection at it's best.


A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do ;) but lately I have waned in the "Don't talk to me" department, and he is feeling more comfortable in unloading (family stuff, business stuff)....mind you, nothing affairwise...that subject is "TABOO" Hah! Is that ironic or what? But anyway, he has become more bold

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2003
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 8:26pm

<<<>>>

Speaking as a former betraying MW you are much to kind on US and MUCH TOO HARD ON YOURSELF. You WILL (and MUST) keep up your defenses because you have made a concious decision to no longer allow yourself to participate in dysfunctional behaviour and it is critical to your recovering self esteem to maintain the boundaries you have established.

Your experience (and that of so many others here on this board)has shown me that I will not be able to end my A until I too confront the woman in my mirror and admit that THERE is NO excuse for what I did either.

You asked me how I am doing. Yesterday I e-mailed a copy of your post about "Dis-enfranchised grief" to my XMM. It seemed to sum up so much of what I have been feeling. Somehow I am trying to keep him distant yet still staying present with mutual support as we work together to end this co-dependent monster that we have created. He e-mailed me back thanking me for the information, re-assuring me that he was still committed to ending our affair and said he would continue to honour my request for NC. It felt good to know we were both committed to the same goal but down deep I was dissappointed with myself for breaking my own contact rule.

Last night I experienced the best sexual intimacy with my H that we been able to share for years. Slowly, ever so slowly I am starting to see him again as my lover - hopefully, in time, as my one and only, forever....

Today I did lots more reading in the archives here and in particular, much of what "Posie" has posted is really hitting home for me. i.e)
****************************************************************************************
QUESTION:<<>>>

HER RESPONSE:If you feel this way...what makes you think you are doing your Husband any service by staying? What service are you giving yourself by staying? A roof over your head, someone that will always be there for you no matter how dispassionate you feel or what state your affair is in? Yes, You do know "what" to do ...read up on divorce so you know "how" to do it
*****************************************************************************************

OUCH- quite a wake up call - a real, as you called it,"Badda bing". I know I don't want a divorce...I want to recommit and rebuild my marriage.

Also her description of an Affair as a "needs-meeting feeding-frenzy cycle" - outlined further below - ******************************************************************************************
It is often the case that an affair with the necessity of secrecy and associated shroud of lies has exacerbated that feeling of separation whilst giving the illusion of temporarily filling a void. It is that feeling of connection, however fleeting & regardless of the cost to our integrity, which keeps us hanging in there. It's a vicious circle and one we can only break out of when we wish to do so.

(not sure who wrote this exerpt - are there any plagarism rules on this board? LOL I've been cutting and pasting to my journal all day. I find it so helpful to keep reading and re-reading all these statements - its kind of like "self re-programming".

*****************************************************************************************

So to answer your question (you're probably sorry you asked!) I believe that I am making tremendous progress. I am reading and learning and it is filtering into my masochistic skull. I have moved past denial and towards acceptance of personal responsibility. I am feeling stronger every day and the setbacks have been relatively minor and temporary.

I hope you are feeling on more level ground, less confused and ready to tackle what tomorrow brings.

ARTIST

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 9:52pm

~Artist~


<<<>>>a "needs-meeting feeding-frenzy cycle" - <<<<<


Back in the day, Posie was a Godsend to this board. Her hardcore, in your face truisms from BTDT experiences, sometimes unnerved posters....which I have to say,

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2005
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 10:23am

Iddy-wids,

You set your boundaries, maintained them and were true to yourself even when it was incredibly difficult.

A wise lady named Paruil once said: ""Who you are in difficult times *is* who you are, it's the truest measure of you as a person."

Another wise lady named Selket added: "You're right...it's eezy-schmeezy to be a do-gooder when not faced with any challenges. It's easy to be "good" in "easy" times."

I think you passed the test, hon. It's important to note that it was your own test, and it's a test you would have been ill-equipped to take a year ago.

More than anything I hope you'll simply acknowledge how far you've come over 365 days and that you can see as well as we can that you should be proud of who you've chosen to be - in the difficult times as well as the easy ones, too.

I believe in you, Iddy.

Love,
Feeny

"There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. " ~Anais Nin~
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 10:54am

<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>

My thoughts exactly (hope you don't mind that I won't repeat them in my own words...couldn't have said it better).

ID~ I just wanted to take a moment and thank you for your wisdom and support in all of your posts and I am glad you are finally asking for support that you so richly deserve. You are a helluva woman. Its ok to be sad, you are not made of stone, you are obviously a smart AND feeling woman. I am sorry that these type of "anniversary" grief moments happen or "trigger" griefs happen but yes they do ..even to the most stoic.

You are a woman hun, its ok to feel ....and its maturity that snaps us out of it when appropriate. You know when to hold em and when to fold em. Sometimes we are better at it then others.
::::::::special bonus hugs::::(cuz even strong people need em whether they like em or not::: lol
from a weaker, emotional chick lol
Lizzie

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