Contact after 3 and 1/2 years

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2009
Contact after 3 and 1/2 years
5
Thu, 01-09-2014 - 6:57pm

Hello all,

I was here many years ago both before and after I ended my A and yes, it has been three and a half years since I ended it. I did really well, never once contacted him, don't know if he ever tried to contact me since I blocked and deleted at every turn - it really was the only way.

Recently, over the holiday season we were both at the same event, unbeknownst to me. He approached me and we politely greeted each other. As my husband was present things were cordial. I'll admit, this being the first time I had seen him since the end my heart was racing but I remained calm and pleasant. The conversation was brief and non-descript: kids, work, our families (we were good friends before the A so we knew alot about eachother's personal lives) and then I avoided him the rest of the evening. Soon after New Year, I received a FB friend request from him - at the end of the A he was not on FB as he "detested" it so I never bothered to block him and I never searched for him. Naturally, I denied his request and quickly blocked him from seeing my account or contacting me through it. I thought that would be the end of it, but today I received a cell phone call from him. I didn't even have the same phone number back then so I can only assume that he got it from a mutual friend.  I will admit to being a little shocked but decided it was time to stop running from him and listen to what he had to say. I let him say what he clearly needed to hoping that maybe he was looking for closure himself; but no. I got a running diatribe on how much he valued our friendship (remember we were good friends for many, many years prior) and how it hurt him losing such a "dear friend". He actually used those words. I let him have his say and then I told him that I had spent the last 3 years removing every trace of him from my life and that I simply was not ready to open that door again and that I don't know if I ever will again and asked him to respect that. Plain and simple.  I then wished him all the best and hung up before he had the chance to say anything else. Will he respect it? I doubt it. 

Initially, I was a little bothered by all this but now I'm just mad. Mad at him for intruding in my life and bringing with it such inner turmoil again, but mostly I am mad at myself for giving him that power to do that. I thought by now I would be indifferent and while I am indifferent to a certain degree, it bothers me that this situation, that HE, still upsets me. After three years I should not care at all about any of this but it still bothers me. Why? Why do I let it bother me?

MB

 

 

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Thu, 01-09-2014 - 9:55pm

Hi Missbennet :)

I remember your name...not so much your story, so thanks for filling in some of the blanks.

I'd be bothered too.  As a matter of fact, it's been a long time since I've read a post and been as bothered and angered.  I think we are angered and bothered at the same thing; like his absolute disrespect and disregard and down-right pushiness...how galling. Really, I'd like to strike him.

It sucks to think that that we've moved on from a bad chapter of our lives and then out of the blue get bombed by an in-coming bad character to remind us of a time we'd rather forget.

If you had come here before talking with him, I would have warned you not to, but you handled yourself well.  Will it be his last attempt?  I don't know.  He got through this time...after all this time, and I hope that he doesn't think that with enough perseverance he can get through again.

Man, some people.

So, are you bothered like I'm bothered, or is it something else?

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2011
Thu, 01-09-2014 - 11:33pm

Hi Miss B, you are only human and so is he and I think you have handled yourself really well in this instance. I think people take chances... he is one of them taking his chance... he obviously still feels very connected and cant let go and doesnt want you out of his life. Its normal to feel angry and hurt that he has violated that boundary and wants you back in his life. Have you thought of letting your DH know any of this? Do you feel its something you could share with him? ( your DH)  

I have an old BF who showed up out of the blue after 25 years - texted to say he was in town and how much he wanted to see me. I wanted to see him too, so I showed up, had a coffee and everything was pleasant...until... I realised that he was someone who I had loved very much a very long time ago and no longer had the chance to love again... He still contacts me via SMS and its hard because I really felt as though I was on his BUCKET LIST... he had wanted to see me but because we are from completely different countries, our worlds never connected... He had always come back to this country and my city and he had the chance thru work to travel here and I also drove him around for the afternoon after the coffee....

It was hard to see him and harder to say goodbye again but one thing that was great was after the coffee together, I came home and realised what I have. A DH, wonderful kids, great friends ( not such great family but you cant have it all) and the long lost BoyF was a memory. I have now compartmentalized him to a time when i was single and had no responsibilities... i

ts a good thing to have people who like us.

Its a GREAT thing to know where your home really is and to cherish the moments with those you truly love and admire. I think you can be mad for the time being, and be mad, be angry and be annoyed, becuase he has crossed the line by invading your space but at the end of the day, he doesnt have what you have and you can be somewhat flattered that he wanted to know you again. Hope this helps, let us know. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2009
Mon, 01-13-2014 - 6:24pm

Thank you both for your perspectives, both different yet very helpful.

When I ask myself why I am so peeved, it isn't just because he has intruded on my life after 3 years but also because I am bothered by how much anxiety his contact it is causing me. I feel that if I was truly healed from all this, then it wouldn't cause me such worry. Just remembering the pain this A caused me is creating this anxiety. I know I don't have any feelings for him anymore and I don't regret ending the A but I do regret starting it and losing a great friend in the process. And this is where things get complicated. We were friends and we had a good friendship and we have both taken responsibility for the A, and that A wasn't done because we didn't have enough respect for eachother not to conduct it. We both knew it was never going to go any further than just an A but we did it anyway. We were just fulfilling something for eachother that didn't exist in our real lives and I don't mean just sex, it was more than that - at least for me. The reason I ended it was because by the end, I was no longer convinced it just wasn't about sex for him. It was devastating to me and the only way for me to handle it was to end everything, the A and the friendship - complete no contact.  It was the right thing to do and I did it without warning to him - just an email telling him why and not to contact me.

I know in part that he contacted me recently becuase he has regrets over how things ended and wants to "clear the air", he wants closure, but don't know if he just wants to vent his side of things or if he wants to try to have a friendship again. I wonder if I should let him have his say and be done with it. I know I'm not in danger of allowing him back into my life because right now my life is complicated enough, I don't need any more complications. On the one hand I feel I kind of owe it to him out of respect for our once-existent friendship to listen to what he has to say but on the other, am I afraid to hear what he will say. I know in the end though it doesn't really matter what he says as it will not change things for me but I am afraid to hear it nonetheless.

In a nutshell, I think what I'm trying to say is that we both need some closure: give our respective opinions, agree, disagree, apologize and go our separate ways. I don't think it will truly be over until we both have that.

I'm sorry this is so long and convoluted but typing it out has actually helped me see things a little clearer so thanks for just being here.

MB

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Mon, 01-13-2014 - 8:20pm

I'm glad writing it helped gain some clarity for you, and I hope that that clarity is that talking to him, and once again opening the door to him, did not provide closure for anyone really.  It may have provided him with some closure...I dunno...neither do you, but it didn't provide any real closure for you because here you are all re-engaged in your mind again.   

I let him say what he clearly needed to hoping that maybe he was looking for closure himself; but no. I got a running diatribe on how much he valued our friendship (remember we were good friends for many, many years prior) and how it hurt him losing such a "dear friend". He actually used those words. I let him have his say and then I told him that I had spent the last 3 years removing every trace of him from my life and that I simply was not ready to open that door again and that I don't know if I ever will again and asked him to respect that. Plain and simple.  I then wished him all the best and hung up before he had the chance to say anything else. Will he respect it? I doubt it.>

I think it's quite apparent that looking for closure is NOT what he is looking for...and I think you know that too, MissBennett.  Listen, you ended this talk on an amicable note.  If you open the door further, you will show that you 'are not' a woman of her word  when you asked him to respect your wishes not to open that door again.  And you are already leery about him respecting that.  Why go there?

<On the one hand I feel I kind of owe it to him out of respect for our once-existent friendship to listen to what he has to say but on the other, am I afraid to hear what he will say. I know in the end though it doesn't really matter what he says as it will not change things for me but I am afraid to hear it nonetheless.<

I don't think you owe him anything and if you are afraid to hear it...then why go there?  

Save your respect for your husband and yourself, and don't go there.

To tell you what I am honestly hearing and seeing here?  'BUDding'.  It's what they call it in AA when a member is doing battle in his mind to break out...'Building Up to Drink'...thinking they can try hanging out with their drinking buddies at the bar, even handle one more little drink because they 'think' they are in control and can handle it.  You are having this little battle in your head, waivering back and forth and all over the place.  What does that tell you.  Time to get honest and real before you find yourself in deep D'oh....again.

Clarity


Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2009
Mon, 01-13-2014 - 10:19pm

Thank you Clarity, you are absolutely right. I certainly have been giving this more consideration than what it is worth. It is engaging my mind and taking me away from the things that really matter and for what purpose? Nothing beneficial that I can see.  All this fretting and worrying really isn't worth it. That's the perspective that I really needed to view this from - time to put it all to bed again and hopefully for the last time.

Thanks,

MB