Contact is NOT an Option

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Contact is NOT an Option
10
Fri, 08-24-2012 - 10:19am

Day 3 of NC and I am struggling. I'm hurting and in a perpetual state of two-seconds-away-from-tears.  Yesterday wasn't as bad as I thought it would be - meaning, I didn't cry and I didn't call or email.  I think I was trying my best to remove myself from the situation by keeping busy with work, reading the healing library, playing with my daughter, going to yoga. I knew his dog was having surgery and I spent the morning thinking about his dog. HIS DOG! Are you kidding me?! I mean, why the hell do I care about HIS DOG! This is my tiny logical voice hammering in my head. I kept that voice going all day like an annoying coach screaming in my ear telling me I can do better. Even when I drove past xAP's car on the way to my daughter's school and felt my heart sink.  It's a constant battle between logic and emotions these days.

I have had two consecutive nights of xAP dreams and where I wake up dazed, confused, and exhausted. But I've managed to get myself up, read some posts on this board and get myself to work.  Shed a few tears on my way to work this morning and am a bit less than functional at work, overwhelmed by the constant anxiety taking over my body, but the annoying coach inside my head is telling me that contact is NOT an option.  I'm going to keep listening to that voice - I think he's on to something. It's getting me through each hour.

I've also thought of a couple of new names for myself. I'd be happy to get your feedback.

a) BraveEnough

b) I'mMoreThanEnough

c) DoBetter4Me

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2011
Fri, 08-24-2012 - 10:24am
(hug)

Day 3 is huge sweetie so give yourself a huge hug. The first few weeks are brutal as you detox from the highs of the A. Keep going and doi g as you are Challenge your thoughts and post here. Making contact will only give you a brief high - that's if you even get a response. And if you don't you'll feel worse than before.

As for your name - I like b - we are all more than enough but it's often not feeling and knowing our own worth that led us down this path and that holds us back in our healing.

Stay firm honey - you will get through this.

Much love

Yellow xx

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." ~Henry David Thoreau~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2012
Fri, 08-24-2012 - 10:44am
It might be time for you to get fall allergies. Blame climate change. It'll give you a reason to have red eyes and a swollen nose. (I ended in February and had "a cold" for a month.)

Bear in mind that these first days and weeks can be crushing. Use your coach to get through them. (You might want to start telling your coach to pick a softer approach, though, as you go along but right now his tactics seem to be working so we won't mess with the current success.)

It's weird how we get sucked in where we don't belong, isn't it? Worrying about his dog but are your plants watered?

For your names, I like b or c. It's just my opinion but I don't think bravery enters anywhere into an affair. Strength, yes. Wisdom, yes.

Keep posting. It helps to get it down in black and white.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Fri, 08-24-2012 - 10:48am

That's right!  Contact IS NOT AN OPTION!  

Hang in there...you are detoxing and grieving like any addict...and you will be all over the place for a while.  Journal it out, come here as you did, do what you are doing with your reading, playing and yoga...and when he enters you brain, banish him with a loud/or to yourself, "GET OUT!"  Make up a happy place in your mind and go to it.

I like any one of those new names...except that I was start to perfect my listhp...oh yeh right, it's not about me :smileyhappy:

The emotional rollercoaster ride won't last forever...it'll eventually slow down and come to a stop.

Keep posting in.  You're going to be okay.

((hugs))

Clarity


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2012
Fri, 08-24-2012 - 10:53am
It's interesting that he was surprised by your reaction and over-appreciated his own love. I think, in the future, you'll want to look for a man who works every day to earn and deserve your love, not just assume you'll be okay with whatever less-than-100% offer he has.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Fri, 08-24-2012 - 11:19am
Hi she-who-must-soon-be- named - you are doing so well with the process, we are all sorry for the pain you are going through but can promise, it does get easier and eventually better - really and truly. It is a constant battle as you say, and logic seems to be hiding under the rug most of time. but come tell us about it and keep reading - different things ring true at different stages.

d) Enoughsaid
e) EnoughsEnough
f) Enoughalready
g) Imanuff

Just stirring the pot. the right one will bubble up!

Hugs, Daisy
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2012
Fri, 08-24-2012 - 5:00pm
Imanuff! Imanuff! Imanuff! Or maybe Ima Nuff. I love this one. (Acknowledging, as others have done before me, that it's not about me.)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2012
Fri, 08-24-2012 - 7:13pm

Hi Letho,

You are doing great at 3 days! I like either choice B or C,

I remember telling xap many times that he didn't love me 'enough'. He said in our last talk that some day I would realize just how much he loved me someday; I guess because he was finally letting go. I keep thinking his love doesn't do me much good, since I'm sitting here alone.

I'm at 22 days and still struggling, but it IS getting better at times. Definatley the logical part of me is much stronger.

Hang in there!!

K