Contact is NOT an Option
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|Fri, 08-24-2012 - 10:19am|
Day 3 of NC and I am struggling. I'm hurting and in a perpetual state of two-seconds-away-from-tears. Yesterday wasn't as bad as I thought it would be - meaning, I didn't cry and I didn't call or email. I think I was trying my best to remove myself from the situation by keeping busy with work, reading the healing library, playing with my daughter, going to yoga. I knew his dog was having surgery and I spent the morning thinking about his dog. HIS DOG! Are you kidding me?! I mean, why the hell do I care about HIS DOG! This is my tiny logical voice hammering in my head. I kept that voice going all day like an annoying coach screaming in my ear telling me I can do better. Even when I drove past xAP's car on the way to my daughter's school and felt my heart sink. It's a constant battle between logic and emotions these days.
I have had two consecutive nights of xAP dreams and where I wake up dazed, confused, and exhausted. But I've managed to get myself up, read some posts on this board and get myself to work. Shed a few tears on my way to work this morning and am a bit less than functional at work, overwhelmed by the constant anxiety taking over my body, but the annoying coach inside my head is telling me that contact is NOT an option. I'm going to keep listening to that voice - I think he's on to something. It's getting me through each hour.
I've also thought of a couple of new names for myself. I'd be happy to get your feedback.