contemplating ending affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2005
contemplating ending affair
7
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 7:11pm
Hi, I am new here and I am contemplating ending an 8 month affair with a divorced man. I am married. He does not know I am married. (Please realize there is a lot more to the story and I would be here all night writing so please try not to judge me or shred me too much, I got slightly massacred on the other board). Anyway, I beat myself up enough for what has happened and I need to put an end to it before it gets any worse. The OM has fallen in love with me which I never intended to happen. I was just looking for the sexual/physical/emotional fulfillment that I was not getting at home. He does not know I am married. I have met his family, friends, etc. I have become a part of his life and I do love him. He wants a future with me which I don't think will ever happen because I do still love my husband as well, even though he has a hard time with affection and never initiates sex and we have sex about once a year. He shows no affection but we have a good relationship and he is a good father and he is great in every other way. He is more like a friend, actually and I don't want to divorce him at this time. On the other hand, the OM is an unbelievable lover, we have the most unforgettable sex, and he is the most affectionate, loving man I have ever met. I really do love both of them, but that is not why I am here. I am here because I need to let the OM go on with his life as hard as that is for me. It will break my heart and certainly his to tell him the truth. I just cannot imagine what he will do (besides the obvious) after deceiving him for all this time. This man absolutely adores me, like I have never experienced. I feel like the biggest piece of crap on the earth but I can't do this to him or myself anymore. I know I will miss him so much because he has become such a part of my life and he has in a way become my best friend. I tell him everything(well, almost) and we have been through a lot together. I am just having a nervous breakdown thinking of telling him but I know I have to do it and was hoping I would find some support/feedback here. It helps just to put this in words, so thanks for listening.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 8:14pm

Dear Myatris:

I don't envy you. But it sounds like the lying is tearing you apart and that it is not who you want to be. So be who you want to be. Be BRAVE. Tell him the truth. Just do it. Do it because it is the right thing to do.

It will be the first step in regaining your self respect. He deserves to know the truth about why you are ending it so he doesn't hold out hope and wait and pine for you the rest of his life or think there was something wrong with him.

the truth will set you free

Survive

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 8:15pm

Myatris

Welcome to this board, I don't think anyone here is going to shred you as we have all made are mistakes some fare worse then yours.

You have not asked any questions or posed any problems that your looking for an answer to so if you don't mind I may just make a few comments NONE ARE MADE IN MALICE.

You seem very concerned about XMM and hurting him but you made no comment at all about hurting you husband if/when he finds out, does he matter ?

Ending it should be easy but most likely will not be, if XMM were single then telling him your married after carrying on for 8 months should about do it but considering that he is cheating on his wife he has little room to get to self righious with you.

How is it his family has met you and his wife does not know it, are they seperated pending divorce ?

What efforts have you made to address the problems in your marriage, does your husband know how badly these issues is effecting his marriage ?

I am sure your going to find many supportive ladies here even a couple of guys.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 10:51pm

hi myatris,

welcome to the board, hey FREE i think her man is single/divorce, i think

anyways, all i can say is whatever you do, do it soon, tell OM the truth, u said u will not divorce your H, do u have kids? maybe u can concentrate on the kids after u tell OM the truth, i realy have no idea what to say, im just ranting here and trying to listen

clearly u have some issue with your marriage or with yourself hence u are seeking solace in another man, tell him the truth and come clean before its too late, in the end he will eventually find out

this is just my opinion, your situation sounds like my OW, i feel like your OM, but if he realy cares for you he will understand, he will get hurt and might not talk to u again but he will understand

take care, we are all here to listen
max

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2005
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 9:45am
Thank you for your thoughts. I do have kids and my marriage is good except for no affection/physical/sexual, very rare. I have tried to talk about it for 2 years. I know there is not another woman, he just lacks in that department. But I don't want to hurt him and I don't want to hurt OM anymore than I know he will be because he is getting more and more serious about our relationship. I know I have to do it, I guess I am just being a wuss, and maybe a little selfish, okay a lot selfish, because I will miss him and what I have with him but I know I can't do this to him anymore. Thanks to everyone for your input.
By the way, yes he is divorced.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 9:15pm

I guess I disagree... if he doesn't know about the H and you want to keep your marriage - I'm not sure I'd put my M in the hotseat... what if OM gets really angry and tries to get back at you - sure you know him and don't think he'd ever do that - but... being the OW I can tell you there were times I thought about it. Would I ever do it... no... I don't THINK so... but... I sure wouldn't go taking chances.

If I were you I'd save your honesty for your husband and just "break up" with this OM and let it go... do what's right for HIM and let him go! And don't go risking your marriage! That's my 2 cents!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2005
Thu, 02-24-2005 - 6:26am
I have thought about that a lot as well and it worries me. I also think of this even though it sounds crazy: he invested all this time and money in me and our relationship thinking I was just his and his alone and now he finds out that I deceived him all this time. Can somebody possible sue somebody for that? Does anybody know? I read somewhere that a woman who ended a relationship with her lawyer boyfriend, got sued by him and he won. She lived with him and she had to pay him back for him supporting her because it was under the premise that they were getting married. Has anybody else heard of this? Anyway, I do think about that newposter and it adds to my sleepless nights, believe me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Thu, 02-24-2005 - 3:23pm
I think that you are smart to not leave your husband for some one that you enjoy burning the sheets with. I think that you'd feel better if you told the OM that you are married because in affairs if you can't tell anyone else you should be able to talk to the one you are doing it with. I am not married but I have had and am currently having an affair with a MM and from that side of the coin. . .sex was great, passionate, & I never felt more love & adored but we I chose "great" sex over a relationship that could have more substance I ended up alone, cold, and feeling very unsexy everytime. If I could choose between marrying someone that I could have great sex with or a best friend, I'd choose the best friend. Best friends, true friends are forever and their love is unconditional, not contingent upon how well you can heat the sheets.
Deep down inside you know what is or who is best for you. Don't beat yourself up so much. You are only human. Take care. Best wishes always.