continue or stop

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2004
continue or stop
11
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 10:29am
I am new to this board but have posted on "my affair support" board in the past. I had an affair with an ex co worker and have tried ending it twice only to return to her. I feel like an alcoholic that knows he shouldn't drink but does it anyway because it makes me feel good initially. There are several issues preventing me from reconciling with my w. 1)I don't love her the way I love the girlfriend. 2) I don't feel like I can be faithful 3) girlfriend is beautiful and has so many other loving qualities. 4)I will be working with the girlfriend again. 5)my heart breaks when I think of life without her. Reasons I have tried to end it. 1) this is not her first affair and I worry I will be the next victim. She assures me I won't be because she doesn't want to go through this again and she loves me. She claims she didn't love her husband. They married because she was pregnant. 2)I have kids with w. 3) Girlfriend has ex husband that keeps trying to get in back in her life and she has 2 kids with him. 4)I have a nice, financially stable life with w and enjoy being with my kids 100% of the time vs. 50%.

I know I would not have wanted a divorce if I didn't have an affair and met this girl. I would have continued on in my boring, loveless, sexless marriage. The marriage offers other comforts such as financial security, being with my kids and a committed wife. NOw that I have been with the girlfriend I realize all the love and passion my marriage was lacking. MY wife and I got married right out of college. We were highschool sweethearts. SOme part of me beleives we got married becauses it seemed like the right thing to do not becasue we were in love. I feel our relationship is more like a brother /sister relationship. I worry because of the way the relationship started with the girlfriend and all the other complicating factors that it won't work out and I will have no one. I feel like it is just impossible to stop talking and seeing her and I'm not sure I want to. If I work with her again there is no way I can end it. My wife siad she will seek a divorce if I decide to work with her again. Financially I don't have many options so I may be forced to. I have read other posts. I know people know the pain and anxiety I am feeling as I contemplate cutting things off for good with the girlfriend. advice?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
In reply to: bear2092
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 10:36am
I think your question is one that we all have - men and women. I am married - married at 21, husband was 19 - I worked and put him through college. We have a child together. I met my MM over the internet last year, and though he says he will divorce the wife, how am I to know that he won't cheat on me? I mean...we're both cheating on our spouses. I, like you, would have continued in my sexless, loveless marriage had I not met MM. Well, I'm still in the marriage, but am extremely confused. I know I didn't answer your question, but just wanted you to know that I know exactly how you feel.

Hopefully you'll get some good advice. There are many of us in the same boat as you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
In reply to: bear2092
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 11:32am
Hi Bear

I too can relate to your situation i married my H 19 years ago when I was 19 and had 3 children, i did not expect much from life I was an easy going, happy go lucky laid back person that let everything go over my head and was or thought contented with every part of my life (or so I thought)(OOhh to be that person again) Then I met MM and that was when i realised that i had promblems in my marriage, my h and I are like best friends rather than lovers, I could not imagine him not being in my life but at the same time I cant now imagine spending the rest of my life with him now I know that I get have more intense feelings elsewhere.

I think what it boils down too is whats most important to you? your family life or girlfiend who at the end of the day you cant really know!! Have you ever been on a proper date with her? Seen her early in the morning, PMS? etc etc, Im guilty of thinking the grasser is greener on the other side but in reality it very rarely is! Reading these posts made me realise all I had with MM was snatched moments together and not real life of shopping, cooking washing his pants etc etc.

I told my husband about the A, and after the initial devastation he wants to start affresh with me. I think telling my H was the only way for it to stop, and it has, but Ill be honest with you I regret telling him sometimes as I now cannot see MM ever as he was a friend of my H.

I am not good at giving advise but thought knowing someone else felt their relationship was more like brother/sister bestfriend might help. All I would say to you to do is think long and hard before making any decisions that will effect the rest of your life and at least try the NC.

Take care

Happy 2004

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
In reply to: bear2092
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 11:59am
My only advice is, make the choice NOW, and live with it. Don't drag on with the A and your M. Its not fair to anyone involved, least of all your kids.

I suggest finding a counselor. I can't tell you how helpful it is to have a neutral third party to talk things through with. Someone who won't be judgmental, but will help you consider all the issues involved and possible consequences.

One thing my therapist told me was that this amazing sexual connection I had with my exMM would last about 18 months...after that point, we'd better have something more solid to fall back on. You may have that with your OW, but realize that like all sexual relationships, it WILL cool off eventually.

I thought I didn't love my H any more. Well, I was wrong. Yes, our relationship was more of a friendship than two lovers, but that's what relationships turn into as time goes on. The passion is no longer a daily occurrence. And you know what...I'm okay with that now. I'd rather have someone who loves me unconditionally, and takes care of me, and who I can count on, than be with someone I'm not sure I can trust and who will have all this baggage I would've had to deal with (my exMM's W found out, and he has a kid).

Only you can decide what you want and need. I wish you strength in making your decision.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
In reply to: bear2092
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 1:40pm
I felt compelled to respond with my personal experience here. I was married to my college sweetheart for 16 years when we separated (for reasons other than infidelity) and I meet my XMM. I was head over heels, goosebumps, etc. when I was with him. All the while, my H was trying to convince me to give our marriage another shot. I didn't want to hear anything about it. I thought all the thrill, excitement, etc., was G-O-N-E. And me, I'm a thrill and excitement junkie. I was having way too much fun with the XMM. I remained in the A for 2 years, my H resigned himself to the fact that our marriage was over, and we were planning to go our separate ways. I was spending alot of time with my XMM and really thought I loved him.

When push came to shove, I was unable to leave my H. During the 2 years we were separated, I got some IC and he got some IC. Some of those issues that originally led to the separated became more clear. We accidentally started enjoying time together more. This, I noticed, happened simultaneous with my feelings toward XMM cooling down a bit. After the "thrill" of the A wore off, I started to see the person that was really underneath the "thrill," and he didn't hold a candle to my H. We reconciled just in time to spend our 18th wedding anniversary together. So 18 years later, I can still see the remnants of the man that I fell in love with in college, and remember why, and why I still want to spend the rest of my life with him.

The thing is, you really can't compare the long-term marriage where you're raising kids together, paying bills together, keeping house together, with the excitement of an A. They just don't match up. I don't know about you, but I've seen my spouse sick, angry, tired, we've struggled thru some serious health issues together, he watched me give birth to all 3 of our children, we buried one of those children together, gotten drunk together. You get it. I've seen his less mysterious, less glamorous side. The XMM, on the other hand, because we weren't living together, we'd never done any real life stuff. He never saw me thru any difficulties, never saw me puke (sorry, but you know eventually Hs and Ws do see this stuff!), never saw me cry my eyes out, never met my old, alcoholic father, etc. I put on all my best stuff for him, even when in my heart I thought I was being myself. Up until the very end of our A, I even tried to remember to shave my legs when I knew I was going to "be with" him!

As the previous posters said, the fire does eventually go out. When it does, maybe you can feel some pride/contentment in having done the more responsible thing and tried to make the marriage work. Maybe you can try to revive your marriage. Maybe you can try to see your wife in a different way. Once you end the A, if you can feel good about your marriage, you might be able to breathe some new life into things.

You can't compare apples and oranges. JMHO. Best of luck! Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
In reply to: bear2092
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 2:23pm
Hey Mo!

Glad to see you back!!! We've missed you! Hope you've been doing well.

Your post was very inspiring and a great reminder that we just CAN'T compare the thrill of an affair with real life. It isn't real, and our lives will never measure up to a fantasy.

Just wanted to say hi!

Love,

Lily
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2004
In reply to: bear2092
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 2:53pm
Bear

Your situation sounds so much like mine it's amazing. Only you can decide what to do - it is your choice whether to stay in a secure marriage but without many needs met that you deserve to have met. Many things come into consideration - how old are your kids? How old are you and your OW?

For me, I entered into the A I'm sure because so many things were lacking in my marriage. But it was a secure one. H and I are separated and starting divorce proceedings...after a 24 year marriage. I miss the security, obviously the financial support, having a man around to do some of the work, but that is about it. Don't miss the rejection, the lack of communication, the moodiness, the apathy. My OM and I are not together as a couple, but continue to work together. It has been extemely hard for my kids and they are all teenagers. It is painful to hurt them. It was hard for me to be cut off from his family - you divorce not only your spouse, but their family, too. But I am making it, am happy in many ways more than I have been in years, but I am still going through it all so it is still very hard for me.

I am alone now, and hopefully not forever. It is a fear(of being alone), but right now I have my kids with me, and it is just fine.

Only you can decide though.

Good luck to you.

Beeya

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2004
In reply to: bear2092
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 3:18pm
I usually lurk on the boards, but I felt compelled to share my story this time. I have been married to my H since we were 19--13 years. We've been together since we were 17. He was the only man I had ever slept with. Over the years we became more like room mates than lovers. We'd always been together, we knew nothing else. A little over 2 years ago H got hurt at work, ending up having surgery. He was disabled to the point that he could not even use the bathroom by himself. I took 6 weeks off work to nurse him (he wouldn't let anyone else). He fell into a depresion (we know that know, didn't at the time). He became extremely bitter. Over the last year or so we grew apart. What I realize now is that we stopped talking to each other. I talked to my friends, he talked to his. It got to be a chore to be intimate. We never talked. Eventually the lack of communication took it's toll. I met up with an old friend from school. XOM and I would email back and forth, he would flirt with me, call me sexy...all things I hadn't heard from my husband in years. I felt so alive and wanted. XOM was hot too, a sexy guy from the city, parties all the time, went out to clubs on a Tuesday! I'd never even been to a club.....let alone on a Tuesday---that was Cub Scout nite for goodness sake. The thought of this man wanting me was amazing. Before I knew it was making plans to meet up with him for the weekend, orginally we were just going to party, go dancing and drinking. I had a blast, no kids, no husband---just me---no one else to worry about---HOW WRONG I WAS!!! I had been someones wife or mother for 13 years, to be off on my own was exhilaratiing. We went to parties at exclusive homes with 8 bathrooms, we got into private rooms at clubs. This is the life I thought I wanted to live. The second night, we had been at a club and came home at 4:30 am. One thing led to another and we end up sleeping together. It was just that one night. I came home like nothing happened. 3 weeks later my husband found out about the affair from an email he read. The day after we had made the decision to work on our marriage. Because I needed to feel free and wild, I ended up destroying a human being. I have never seen a person more hurt and in pain in my life. I complelety ruined this man. My advice would be to think---REALLY think about what your actions, because what your doing really does effect everyone involved. Your wife, the OW, kids, friends and family. It's not just about you. I was living a fantasy, now I'm workign through the reality of the situation I created. I am a lucky one though. My H and I are rebuilding and doing very well. We reailized we lost track of each other and are working at communication. We are re-discovering each other and what we used to love about each other. I realize now that all I had to do was give us a chance. So end your A, talk with your wife, try to re-discover that spark. We are 5 months post-A and just Monday he took me in his arms and said "We have work to do, we have our problems, but I love you and you love me and we're gonna be O.K." I guess you have to decide if you want the "thrill" or the "forever". The choice is yours to make. Good Luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2004
In reply to: bear2092
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 9:22am
thanks for the responses. I have known ow for 3 years and we have been an on and off couple for about 1 year. I have lived with her and experienced the every day events that I have with my wife. I have not had the history with her that I have had with w but that takes time. I can't stand my w's family and that is some of our problem over the years. It have been exciting to be with ow and get away from the boring, dull marriage I was in adn the pressures that go with it. My w grew up with a "silver spoon" in her mouth and that puts and enormous amount of pressure on me to keep up with her expectations. I do miss my kids and they are both under 10. I worry what effect a divorce will have on them and what effect staying in a marriage that has no love will have on them. I have been going to a marriage counselor for about 3 months. I have gone to 2 different ones. Both seem like they are trying to push me back to my marriage instead of helping look inside so I can decide. As you can tell I tend to get defensive when people ? my love for the ow. I realize the thrill and the awesome sex will slowly get less and less exciting. What I count on is the type of woman my ow is. she is so much more open, loving and fun to be with. MY w is a nice person but very conservative, not very open. Because of her job she tends to be bossy and treat me like one of her slaves at work. I don't know how to even begin telling ow that I want to go back to my wife especially since I don't feel like I want to. I can't stop seeing ow. I have tried and it literally almost killed me. The pain was unbearable.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2004
In reply to: bear2092
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 4:24pm
Bear,

I would never question your love for the OW. I too love my XOM and probably always will have feelings for him. We have know each other for almost 21 years...since we were 12 & 10--he's younger. I'm good friends with his family (I'm not allowed to have contact with them anymore). They have no idea about the A. My XOM lives 4 states away, I think that's my saving grace. We have no contact, we both thought it was best. I miss the way he could make me laugh and how he knew what I would say before I said it. So I understand your feelings. I was just as happy watching tv with him as I was anything else. We were just really comfortable together. So I get what you're saying.



From what I'm hearing in your posts, you truly have no feelings for your wife. Kudos to you for going to counseling and really trying to work through issues. I made the choice to make my marriage work. I didn't stay for my kids, I stayed for me. My mom & dad were in a loveless marriage for 26 years "for the kids". I'll tell you from personal experience that does no one any good. Kids pick up on everything, no matter how young. They probably pick up on your behavior more than your wife does. Do not stay for them. If you can't stay because you want too, your not going to give 100%, if you can't give 100% that's not fair to anyone involved including the OW. My advice would be, give counceling a real chance and be honest with yourself and the T. Explore deeply why your W is no longer the woman you were in love with once. It does happen that people grow apart. You owe it to yourself and everyone involved to make clear decisive decisions based on thought and fact and not on emotion. I wish you all the luck in all the decisions you make.

Remember that you make the choices that determine your path. Make them with care.

Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
In reply to: bear2092
Sat, 10-16-2004 - 11:08am

Love

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