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| Wed, 10-13-2004 - 10:29am |
I know I would not have wanted a divorce if I didn't have an affair and met this girl. I would have continued on in my boring, loveless, sexless marriage. The marriage offers other comforts such as financial security, being with my kids and a committed wife. NOw that I have been with the girlfriend I realize all the love and passion my marriage was lacking. MY wife and I got married right out of college. We were highschool sweethearts. SOme part of me beleives we got married becauses it seemed like the right thing to do not becasue we were in love. I feel our relationship is more like a brother /sister relationship. I worry because of the way the relationship started with the girlfriend and all the other complicating factors that it won't work out and I will have no one. I feel like it is just impossible to stop talking and seeing her and I'm not sure I want to. If I work with her again there is no way I can end it. My wife siad she will seek a divorce if I decide to work with her again. Financially I don't have many options so I may be forced to. I have read other posts. I know people know the pain and anxiety I am feeling as I contemplate cutting things off for good with the girlfriend. advice?

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Hopefully you'll get some good advice. There are many of us in the same boat as you.
I too can relate to your situation i married my H 19 years ago when I was 19 and had 3 children, i did not expect much from life I was an easy going, happy go lucky laid back person that let everything go over my head and was or thought contented with every part of my life (or so I thought)(OOhh to be that person again) Then I met MM and that was when i realised that i had promblems in my marriage, my h and I are like best friends rather than lovers, I could not imagine him not being in my life but at the same time I cant now imagine spending the rest of my life with him now I know that I get have more intense feelings elsewhere.
I think what it boils down too is whats most important to you? your family life or girlfiend who at the end of the day you cant really know!! Have you ever been on a proper date with her? Seen her early in the morning, PMS? etc etc, Im guilty of thinking the grasser is greener on the other side but in reality it very rarely is! Reading these posts made me realise all I had with MM was snatched moments together and not real life of shopping, cooking washing his pants etc etc.
I told my husband about the A, and after the initial devastation he wants to start affresh with me. I think telling my H was the only way for it to stop, and it has, but Ill be honest with you I regret telling him sometimes as I now cannot see MM ever as he was a friend of my H.
I am not good at giving advise but thought knowing someone else felt their relationship was more like brother/sister bestfriend might help. All I would say to you to do is think long and hard before making any decisions that will effect the rest of your life and at least try the NC.
Take care
Happy 2004
I suggest finding a counselor. I can't tell you how helpful it is to have a neutral third party to talk things through with. Someone who won't be judgmental, but will help you consider all the issues involved and possible consequences.
One thing my therapist told me was that this amazing sexual connection I had with my exMM would last about 18 months...after that point, we'd better have something more solid to fall back on. You may have that with your OW, but realize that like all sexual relationships, it WILL cool off eventually.
I thought I didn't love my H any more. Well, I was wrong. Yes, our relationship was more of a friendship than two lovers, but that's what relationships turn into as time goes on. The passion is no longer a daily occurrence. And you know what...I'm okay with that now. I'd rather have someone who loves me unconditionally, and takes care of me, and who I can count on, than be with someone I'm not sure I can trust and who will have all this baggage I would've had to deal with (my exMM's W found out, and he has a kid).
Only you can decide what you want and need. I wish you strength in making your decision.
When push came to shove, I was unable to leave my H. During the 2 years we were separated, I got some IC and he got some IC. Some of those issues that originally led to the separated became more clear. We accidentally started enjoying time together more. This, I noticed, happened simultaneous with my feelings toward XMM cooling down a bit. After the "thrill" of the A wore off, I started to see the person that was really underneath the "thrill," and he didn't hold a candle to my H. We reconciled just in time to spend our 18th wedding anniversary together. So 18 years later, I can still see the remnants of the man that I fell in love with in college, and remember why, and why I still want to spend the rest of my life with him.
The thing is, you really can't compare the long-term marriage where you're raising kids together, paying bills together, keeping house together, with the excitement of an A. They just don't match up. I don't know about you, but I've seen my spouse sick, angry, tired, we've struggled thru some serious health issues together, he watched me give birth to all 3 of our children, we buried one of those children together, gotten drunk together. You get it. I've seen his less mysterious, less glamorous side. The XMM, on the other hand, because we weren't living together, we'd never done any real life stuff. He never saw me thru any difficulties, never saw me puke (sorry, but you know eventually Hs and Ws do see this stuff!), never saw me cry my eyes out, never met my old, alcoholic father, etc. I put on all my best stuff for him, even when in my heart I thought I was being myself. Up until the very end of our A, I even tried to remember to shave my legs when I knew I was going to "be with" him!
As the previous posters said, the fire does eventually go out. When it does, maybe you can feel some pride/contentment in having done the more responsible thing and tried to make the marriage work. Maybe you can try to revive your marriage. Maybe you can try to see your wife in a different way. Once you end the A, if you can feel good about your marriage, you might be able to breathe some new life into things.
You can't compare apples and oranges. JMHO. Best of luck! Mo.
Glad to see you back!!! We've missed you! Hope you've been doing well.
Your post was very inspiring and a great reminder that we just CAN'T compare the thrill of an affair with real life. It isn't real, and our lives will never measure up to a fantasy.
Just wanted to say hi!
Lily
Your situation sounds so much like mine it's amazing. Only you can decide what to do - it is your choice whether to stay in a secure marriage but without many needs met that you deserve to have met. Many things come into consideration - how old are your kids? How old are you and your OW?
For me, I entered into the A I'm sure because so many things were lacking in my marriage. But it was a secure one. H and I are separated and starting divorce proceedings...after a 24 year marriage. I miss the security, obviously the financial support, having a man around to do some of the work, but that is about it. Don't miss the rejection, the lack of communication, the moodiness, the apathy. My OM and I are not together as a couple, but continue to work together. It has been extemely hard for my kids and they are all teenagers. It is painful to hurt them. It was hard for me to be cut off from his family - you divorce not only your spouse, but their family, too. But I am making it, am happy in many ways more than I have been in years, but I am still going through it all so it is still very hard for me.
I am alone now, and hopefully not forever. It is a fear(of being alone), but right now I have my kids with me, and it is just fine.
Only you can decide though.
Good luck to you.
Beeya
I would never question your love for the OW. I too love my XOM and probably always will have feelings for him. We have know each other for almost 21 years...since we were 12 & 10--he's younger. I'm good friends with his family (I'm not allowed to have contact with them anymore). They have no idea about the A. My XOM lives 4 states away, I think that's my saving grace. We have no contact, we both thought it was best. I miss the way he could make me laugh and how he knew what I would say before I said it. So I understand your feelings. I was just as happy watching tv with him as I was anything else. We were just really comfortable together. So I get what you're saying.
From what I'm hearing in your posts, you truly have no feelings for your wife. Kudos to you for going to counseling and really trying to work through issues. I made the choice to make my marriage work. I didn't stay for my kids, I stayed for me. My mom & dad were in a loveless marriage for 26 years "for the kids". I'll tell you from personal experience that does no one any good. Kids pick up on everything, no matter how young. They probably pick up on your behavior more than your wife does. Do not stay for them. If you can't stay because you want too, your not going to give 100%, if you can't give 100% that's not fair to anyone involved including the OW. My advice would be, give counceling a real chance and be honest with yourself and the T. Explore deeply why your W is no longer the woman you were in love with once. It does happen that people grow apart. You owe it to yourself and everyone involved to make clear decisive decisions based on thought and fact and not on emotion. I wish you all the luck in all the decisions you make.
Remember that you make the choices that determine your path. Make them with care.
Good Luck!
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